All I could do was cry(completed)

Chapter 33.5

I got up from off of my knees and went downstairs to lay down on the couch because my stomach was cramping.

Blue:"mommy you ok?"

Bey:"o yea yea baby mommys fine."

Jewel:"are you sure?"

Bey:"yes baby girls I'm fine."

Jewel:"ok well we're gonna head back up to our room."

Bey:"you can stay down here if you want."

Blue:"no thank you."

Bey:"ok."

I understand why they don't want to lay down here because I'm always waking them up and they need to get some sleep.I turned the tv on and laid there I found a blanket and wrapped that around me when Jay came down the stairs.Dang it he could have went and got the blanket now my stomach hurts again.

Jay:"are you ok now?"

I didn't look at him I just kept looking at the tv because I was about to lie again.

Bey:"yea I'm fine."

I said it in the driest time possible I just wanted to be left alone and the way my stomach is hurting I won't be getting up for a while.Jay walked over to me and came to pick me up but if he touched me that was going to make everything worse the guilt in my stomach knowing that I was going to kill a life would eat me alive and the pain would have too.

Bey:"No! No! No! I'm fine don't touch me please don't pick me up."

Jay:"so you don't want to lay with me?"

Bey:"no that's not the problem I just don't want to get up from right here."

Jay:"alright."

He raised his upper lip and nodded his head quickly like he understood but I don't think he does.He walked into the bedroom and slammed the door.I started crying because he's mad at me again and he's never been this mad except for that one time but that's a story for another day.I laid there as the tears blurred my vision and the pain in my stomach grew.The bedroom door pomes again and Jay came out with a pillow and a blanket.He laid them right I front of the couch I was on.

Bey:"what are you doing you don't have to lay there I will be ok out here?"

He ignored me and keeping laying his stuff down.

Bey:"Jay?"

He ignored me again and turned the lamp off then came and laid back down.

Bey:"Jay that's not good for your body your gonna be in pain in the morning."

Jay:"I couldn't be in more pain then I am right now so just please go to sleep."

Bey:"well goodnight I love you."

I whispered to him and he didn't respond to me.Im not a weak person but damn it seems like I have become one over these last few years and it's because of Jay.Maybe we are doing more harm to each other then we are helping.I laid in the same spot watching as his chest moved up and down.Thy say if you love something set it free maybe I need to set him free but I don't want to walk out on my children because I know what that feels like.I could split them up I get jewel and Julia and he gets blue and Julian.Than they can have play dates or whatever they want to do and they can have bonding time.No cause I don't want to separate the twins like that and that's not a healthy home.Who am I kidding nothing is healthy when I'm involved.I slowly got up from the couch trying to be careful so I didn't wake Jay.I walked into the bedroom and started packing my things if I was going to leave I'm going to leave the right way.I went into the kitchen and grabbed a pen and paper and wrote them a note.

Dear family,

Hey it's me umm I didn't want to wake you all so that you could try and talk me out of this but I'm leaving.Where I'm going I don't know will I be back I don't know.Its nothing that anyone did it's just that I'm not cut out for this I'm not cut out for all the stress and the responsibility I'm not made for it I love all of you from the bottom of my heart and that's why I have to go because I'm not helping you by keeping you up all night and lying to you.Momma I'm sorry for getting so mad at you I don't know doe thing in me just snapped and I didn't mean to upset you because I've lied too.Jewel mommy loves you and when you have a meltdown you can always call me or talk to your father I think he can handle your stories a little better than I can.Blue I want you to grow up and be a big girl I'm gonna miss you graduate school but I want some pictures.Julian and Julia you may not be able to read this but mommys babies I love you and ask your sisters and father about me I hope they tell you good things.Last but not lease Jay Jay I'm sorry that it had to end like this I'm sorry that I'm hurting you like I always do.This is just something that's gonna help you and the kids you can find someone else to love someone better than me and you can finally have your big family I encourage you to move on from me because I'm nothing but a lost cause I love you so much and I hope you can understand.

Love,
Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter

I went and put it on the living room table and grabbed my bags out of the bedroom.I opened the door to the house and walked out.I have no idea where I am going I have no idea when and if I will be back hell I don't even know if I'm staying on earth.