Dear Nick

New Normal

So I might have said I didn't want to be Demi's friend because it felt like an easy out. It felt like it may be just what I needed to get over her, once & for all. Of course, as I nursed a beer on my couch that night after I left the party, I felt like absolute shit, remembering what I said to her. I was sitting in the dark, still wearing my costume & I couldn't stop replaying the conversation in my head. She had hurt me with her words, her accusations & I lashed out, but I lashed out with an agenda. When you're drunk things can make perfect sense, in a moment, then later, you realize how stupid something was.

I was trying to protect myself from further heartbreak, but I knew I went about it all wrong. My agenda was misguided. Demi was family & she deserved better. I owed her more than I gave her. I sighed as I got up & tossed my empty beer bottle into the trash. I headed to the bathroom & showered, then laid in my bed until I fell asleep. I didn't sleep, peacefully, by any means. I kept picturing Demi's hurt expression in my head. I kept reliving the moment I told her to have a nice life. I woke up in the morning with a headache, so I headed to the kitchen to make coffee.

About halfway through my cup of coffee, there was a knock on my door. I opened it & saw Demi standing there, still wearing part of her costume, but now she had a tear stained face to go with it. I inhaled, not saying anything to her, but I opened the door to let her walk in. "I am so so so sorry, Nick. I passed out last night & Denny told me what I said when I woke up today. I can't believe I said all that to you. Please believe me, Nick. I don't think you used me. I know it's not your fault that Joe dumped me. I'm sure one day, I'll realize that I'm better off without him. I need you to forgive me, though, Nick. I couldn't stand it if you didn't forgive me." She was babbling, her arms flitting around her as she tried to keep looking at my face.

I took in a deep breath then walked to the counter to pick up my coffee mug. I held it at my chest as I looked at Demi. "I forgive you." I said, then cleared my throat. "But...." I looked down at my coffee mug & took a deep breath before I sat my cup back on the counter. I crossed my arms & watched Demi's face as she waited to see what I was going to say. "I need a break from my feelings, Demi." I said, quickly.

"What does that mean?" Demi asked, her forehead creased.

I glanced away as I took in a breath. I didn't want to look in her eyes, honestly. "I think we need to take a break from our friendship."

I looked back at her just as her mouth fell open & tears welled up in her eyes. "Like not be friends at all?" Her voice cracked. "For how long?" She asked, her voice shaking as a tear slid from her eye.

"Please don't cry, Demi. You know I can't stand it when you cry." I said, my arms falling to my sides as I took a few steps toward her.

"You're telling me you don't want to be friends with me anymore & you expect me not to cry?" Demi exclaimed as she flailed her arms out. "I'm losing my best friend!" She sobbed, turning away from me. "And I don't even know for how long!" She said over her shoulder.

I couldn't even give her an answer as to how long, because I had no idea how long it would take to get over her. "Please try to see my side of this. I'm in love with you & you don't have any feelings, like that, for me. Every day I keep falling in love a little more. While I was overseas, loving you kept me alive. I can't stop loving you as long as you're in my life everyday. I was hoping you would want to pursue something, especially after we made love, but you don't & it hurts too much to be rejected, Demi. I need time to get over you. It won't be forever. Just for a little while, I promise. We'll be able to be friends again as soon as I can stop being in love with you." My voice was squeaking, since I was so upset.

Demi rolled her eyes as she wiped the tears that fell down her cheek. "I can see how this will go. We'll stop talking then bump into each other in a few years, have an awkward conversation & then go our separate ways... again." She let out a short, sarcastic laugh as she tossed her hair.