Dear Nick

What Should Have Been

I sat there, staring at the envelope for several minutes, then Demi's voice broke the silence. I looked over at her, grateful, at that moment, that she was sitting here with me. I really was glad I wasn't alone today.

"Do you want me to give you some privacy?" Demi asked, in a soft voice as I pulled the letter from the envelope.

I looked over at her. "Um.... you don't have to."

"I'm going to go pour myself a glass of wine. Want me to pour you one?"

"That actually sounds good. I'm going to go read this in my bedroom. If I'm not out in a half hour, please check on me." I gave her a tiny smile as we stood up, then I turned & headed toward my room. I sat on my bed & opened the folded stationery, taking in a deep breath when I saw Beth's beautiful handwriting. I looked up at the ceiling & blinked a few times, trying not to cry before I even knew why I should be crying. I looked back down at the letter & started to read.

Dear Nick,

          I feel so incredibly blessed that I met you & that you fell in love with me. You are such an amazing man. You have an enormous heart. A wonderful sense of humor. A kind spirit. And most of all you are a true gentleman in every sense of the word. You are the kind of man I always dreamed of meeting, but never thought existed. I thank God everyday for you & I will continue to thank God everyday for you. I can't wait to marry you today. I can picture how perfect our life will be. Our beautiful children will bless us for all eternity & our love will only continue to grow deeper everyday. My dear, sweet Nick.... you are the love of my life & I look forward to growing old with you. And when we're both no longer on this earth we will walk hand in hand in heaven forever. I am forever yours. Never forget that.

I love you,

Beth

I saw a tear fall onto the bottom of the letter & I, quickly, reached up to wipe my eyes. As the words she had written, sunk into my brain & my soul, the tears came faster. I sobbed, leaning on my legs, not realizing that the letter had fallen to the floor. My heart hurt so bad, I felt like I was going to die. My anger was so severe that I wanted to hit something. I cried out, in a throaty groan as I fell back on the bed & covered my face. I cried, quietly, but every few minutes, the pain was so severe that a sob was forced from my gut.

"Nick?" I heard Demi's soft voice as she came into the room. I wiped at my eyes & sat up. "Oh, Nick...." Demi's voice was sympathetic as she sat on the bed beside me & pulled me against her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have given you that letter until I knew you could handle it."

I sat up & shook my head. "No, no. I'm glad you gave it to me. The letter was beautiful & if what should have been actually happened, I would have cried while reading it. I was so lucky to have had her in my life, if only for a short time. I was lucky that she loved me. If someone ever loves me the way she loved me again, I will never take it for granted." I looked around the room, then looked down to see the letter on the floor. I reached to pick it up & handed it to Demi. "You can read it."

She shook her head & made a face. "No, that's personal. She probably didn't mean for anyone else to read it."

"I want you to read it, I want you to know why my heart hurts so badly & why I'm so angry at God, right now. She should have been marrying me today, instead of lying in the cold ground. I can't stop thinking about what should have been."

Demi took the letter since I shoved it at her, again. I stood up, as she started to read & saw the wine glasses on my dresser just inside the door. I took one & gulped half of it down. I paced the room, drinking the wine until it was gone, then Demi stood up. "Wow... this was beautiful, Nick." Demi's voice cracked, then she let out a sob. "I'm so sorry." She walked toward me & put her arms around me. I let her hug me, because, I needed it. I needed to be comforted since I wanted to punch a wall. The day Beth died was heart wrenching, but it was nothing compared to today. A month later & realizing what should have been was never going to happen, made me feel sad & angry.

Once Demi let go of me, she looked up at me. "My wine is gone." I said, my eyebrows lifting up, quickly.

"I'll go grab the bottle." Demi said as she left the room. I took the second glass off the dresser, the one Demi had poured for herself & swallowed the wine from that glass, too. When Demi came in the room, she smirked at me. "Well, then. Guess you were thirsty." She poured more wine, into the two glasses, as I chuckled, then she put the bottle on the nightstand beside the bed & sat down. She took a drink of her wine, then watched me as I sat down on the bed beside her. I downed my wine in two gulps, then Demi rolled her eyes as she filled my glass again.

"I am glad you came over." I said, almost into my glass & Demi frowned.

"I am, too. I know how hard this has to be for you. I hate the thought of you being alone & being so sad. It breaks my heart."

"Don't feel sorry for me. I hate that." I shook my head as I took a sip of wine.

"Okay, fine, I won't. I know how much you hate sympathy. So. What can we talk about to make us think about something other than this day?" Demi asked.

"Tell me about your job. People you work with. Any guys you're seeing these days?"

Demi grinned, then moved so she was sitting with her back against my headboard. She started talking about people from work & actually made me laugh with some of the stories she told about client requests. We finished our glasses of wine, then Demi sat her glass down & leaned forward. "Well.. you have yawned three times, now & it is getting late, so I should go." She stood up & started walking toward the door. I leapt up & ran after her, grabbing her by the wrist.

"You can't leave." I said as she turned around. "You've had two glasses of wine."

Demi clicked her tongue & rolled her eyes. "I'm fine to drive. I only live a few minutes away."

When she started to turn, I pulled her arm, making her look at me, with a furrowed brow. "Demi... please. I don't want to lose my best friend in a fucking accident, too. Just stay." I pleaded, my voice cracking.

She put her hand over mine & sighed. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'll stay."

"Good." I said with a relieved sigh as I let go of her arm. "Can I ask one more favor?"

"Sure." Demi replied, walking around me to grab her glass.

I walked to sit on the bed, then leaned forward, holding the wine glass with both of my hands. "It's just that this was supposed to be my wedding night....And If it's too weird for you, I will understand. But it's not like we haven't done it before. Would you mind sleeping with me?" I blurted out the question & Demi's eyes got wider than I'd ever seen them.