Dear Nick

Seeing is Believing

Nick

A nurse stopped to see if I was okay & I told her I needed to see my fiance. She took me to another nurse who looked in the computer for Beth's name & when she looked up, I knew she saw that Beth was deceased. "Is she in the operating room or did they move her? I need to see her. Now." I said, leaning on the counter.

The nurse behind the computer murmured something in the other nurse's ear & the first nurse touched my arm & told me to follow her. She took me through a few hallways, then to an elevator. I wasn't crying anymore, but my heart was still hurting. I felt this pain & still needed it to go away, but I had a feeling, it would be a long time before it went away, entirely. The nurse led me to a set of doors & turned to me. "Are you sure you want to do this?" She asked. I nodded & she sighed before opening the doors & leading me into the dimly lit operating room. In the middle of the room was a table with a body that was covered up with a sheet. There was blood on the floor & I knew it was Beth's blood.

I walked slowly to the table, that was surprisingly tall so I didn't even need to sit down. I stared at the lump under the paper sheet, for several minutes, then inhaled as I pulled the cover down so I could see her face. Instantly, a sob came out since she looked dead & it hit me like a knife to the heart. She didn't look like she was asleep or closing her eyes waiting for a surprise. She was pale & lifeless. There was discoloration on her skin, on various parts of her neck & face. The top part of her head was covered & I didn't dare move it. I didn't want to see what was underneath. I touched her cheek with the back of my fingers & cried out when I felt how cold she was.

"My Angel.... Oh God... how am I supposed to go on without you?" My voice was shaking as tears filled my eyes. "I was supposed to grow old with you. I can't believe you're gone...." I choked on my words & took in a ragged breath. "I love you so much, Beth. I will never forget you." I whispered as I leaned down & placed my lips on hers, softly. I let them linger for a moment then stood up, with a sigh.

I had seen her & now it had sunk in, completely, that she was gone forever. Now, I could believe that she was really dead. It didn't change the fact that I wanted to stay right here, by her side. I didn't want to leave. I couldn't make myself leave her. I stood there, by her side, staring at her face & remembering our last year together. I was remembering all the times we laughed until our sides hurt. I was remembering making love to her, countless times & I was upset with myself that I didn't try harder to memorize every inch of her body, that last time we were together. I got lost in the memories, because a nurse came in the room to tell me I had to leave so they could clean up the room & take the body to the morgue. Thinking of my beloved, Beth, being in a cold, dark drawer in the morgue, made me want to scream. I held my breath, then left the room, practically running into the hallway, where I leaned on a wall to catch my breath. Sobs tore through my body & I didn't stop until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Denny.

"Let me take you home." He said.

I shook my head & stood up, straight. "I can't leave. I have to call Tucker & wait for him & there is paperwork we'll need to fill out...." My voice trailed off as I looked around the hallway.

"Lydia & I need to get back to the theater... the team is meeting there to support each other through this... Beth meant a lot to everyone who worked on the show. She was so loved & we're going to decide if we should postpone the show or cancel it all together." Denny's voice cracked & he looked down when I lifted my gaze.

"Beth wouldn't want you guys to cancel it. She loved this show... she was so excited about it." I said, feeling strongly that the show had to go on in her honor, as a tribute to her memory.