Dear Nick

Feelings

When I found Demi, she was in one of the spare bedrooms at Tucker's, sitting on the bed, her face in her hands. I heard her crying when I stepped into the room & when I closed the door, she jumped, looking up at me. She wiped, quickly, at her tears & stood up to start pacing. "What the fuck was that Demi?" I asked, nearly shouting, without even thinking.

Demi started shaking her head as she paced the floor. "I'm sorry, Nick. I was drunk and... and heartbroken." She stuttered.

I swallowed, watching her face & seeing that she wasn't making eye contact. I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Heartbroken? Really, Demi?"

Her head snapped up to glance at me as she chuckled & looked around like I was talking crazy. "Yes, really. That was all that was... combined with the alcohol."

"Don't you dare lie to me, Demi. I feel like there's more... I know you... I can tell you're not telling me everything."

Demi stopped pacing & looked at me, her hands, alternately playing with her shirt & her hair, in a nervous fashion. She sighed, looking up at the ceiling. "I wasn't going to say anything. But now I have this little voice in my head that is saying that I should tell you since you're engaged. It's telling me that if I don't, I'll regret it. I should get it off my chest so it doesn't eat away at me."

I wrinkled my forehead, wondering what she was babbling about. "Tell me what?"

She sighed again, this time it sounded shaky as tears filled her eyes. "I don't want it to change anything between us. I'm not telling you, so you have to choose. It's more just because I feel like you should know this before you marry Beth." Demi took a deep breath as I gave her a look of impatience. She looked down at the floor & I could feel myself getting anxious.

"Jesus, Demi. Just spit it out."

"I've been in love with you since I was sixteen." She spewed the words out so fast that I wasn't sure I heard her right.

"I'm sorry. What the fuck did you just say?"

Demi turned around & started pacing again. "You heard me. I've loved you since I was sixteen." She turned around to face me, but was avoiding looking into my eyes as I stared at her, in disbelief. "I realized when we were in tenth grade, but I would ignore it & never admit it to myself or anyone else. I kept hoping it would go away, that it was an innocent crush that I'd eventually get over. I never said it out loud, but that didn't matter. It didn't go away. It just got stronger & stronger & I just had to try harder & harder to pretend I wasn't in love with you. When you went away, I thought it would get better, but I still felt the same way until I met Joe. He was a distraction because I fell in love with him... or so I thought. It helped me forget my feelings for you." Demi looked at the ceiling & took a few deep breaths. "Then you & I had sex & all the feelings came rushing back & I got so scared. I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I just pretended I didn't love you. I figured it was easier so then there was no chance of our friendship being ruined. But it was ruined anyway because you admitted you had feelings for me. I could have admitted my feelings then, but I was so scared to tell you that I was in love with you... I don't know why. I was stupid... afraid... it was all becoming way too real. So I just let you go & hoped the feelings would go with you."

I was in shock, as I listened to her, so all I could do was stare at her as she spoke. Then when what she was telling me, admitting to me, sunk in, I started to get angry. "Why the fuck are you telling me this? Do you feel better getting this off your chest? Do you feel good about unloading this shit on me? Do you think I'm going to choose you over Beth?" I was raising my voice & Demi was flinching as the tears continued to flow.