Dear Nick

Letters

When I got back to my apartment, I grabbed a beer from the fridge & stood against my counter to drink it. I was glad that my heart was hurting less than it had been, but the pain would sometimes come with no warning. I missed Beth, so much, but I was getting used to her not being here. I had come to terms with the fact that I'd never see her again. I inhaled as I looked around my apartment, my eyes lingering on some of the things that were Beth's or a gift from Beth. That's when I remembered Demi's letter, that I had stuck in my pocket. I pulled it out & moved to the couch so I could read it. The moment I read the first two words, I was comforted like I had a warm blanket over me. The two words, I read, gave me life & purpose, even now when I wasn't in the middle of a war, overseas. I was at war, but it was with myself. My heart was fighting with my head on how much to grieve for Beth. But these words, written by Demi, helped me feel like I could go on & live a happy life.

Dear Nick,

          I decided that I wanted to tell you about the demons from my past, because you are the one person who has been there from the beginning. You were there through it all, even if you had no idea I was struggling. I'm sorry that I never told you any of these things that were happening to me when we were younger, but it took me a long time to realize that I had nothing to be ashamed of. It took years to realize that I was a victim & wasn't to blame for the things that happened.

         When I was very young, I was molested by someone that was in my family at the time. I won't make you suffer through the details, because they aren't as important as the fact that I now know that I didn't do anything that brought the advances on. It happened many times over a span of a few years, then stopped as abruptly as it started. I didn't tell anyone it happened for a long time, so that man died, never paying for what he did to me. My parents know because it came out in therapy years later. 

         I was in therapy because of the breakdown I had after a boyfriend, who wasn't exactly good to me, dumped me. I am better off without him, but I was devastated, at the time. I yearned to feel love from a man, any man, because I wanted to not feel dirty like I had when I was a child. I learned that, in therapy, but I also learned that I had low self esteem because of the bullying I endured in junior high. There was a group of girls that made my life hell during 7th & 8th grade. Once junior high ended, they all went to other high schools & I was finally free. But the damage had already been done & I didn't realize it, until much later.

         All of these things, together, ate away at my confidence & I still am not completely confident, even now, but I am going to get help for it. I want to stop dating assholes. I want to realize that I am worthy of a great guy that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I want to stop falling for the Joes of the world & let more Hunters into my life. I ruined things with Hunter, because I couldn't stop pursuing something that was unattainable. I should have realized that you & I would only ever be friends & maybe Hunter & I would still be together. I think I pushed him away on purpose because he was everything that I thought I didn't deserve. I don't know. It's my own theory. In any case, I am grateful for your friendship & I want to forget about any feelings I had for you, in the past. I want to just be your friend & I don't ever want anything to come between us again. I can't lose your friendship, because now I know the pain of losing someone I love. I loved Beth & I will always hold a special spot in my heart for her, since she helped me in so many ways. I want to be a better person because of her & because she meant so much to me, now I could never be with you. I feel like it would be wrong.

           I am here for you, whenever you need me & I know one day, you'll find a love like you had with Beth. It will happen for you because you are an amazing man. I know it. Beth knew it & one day, someone new will know it, too.