Detached [h.s au]

Chapter 47: Regret

Harry's POV

I fucked up.

I know I did. I'm the type of person who dislikes sudden changes and what happened earlier today was just that. I wasn't planning on admitting what was I doing all along, I didn't want Beth to find out about my stupid idea. I now realise what I did was wrong, very wrong.

I pace back and forth across the small room, my fingers tangling in my hair. I don't know if sending her the notebook will do any good. In fact, I think it's going to make everything worse. She'll realise I'm not worth it. I can't be like them, I don't know how. Now that I think about it, maybe it's good she's angry, maybe that's what I needed all along, no distractions to focus on my original plan – revenge.

Something in my chest tightens at the thought and I immediately disregard it. Why would I want that? I like her and she accepted me, we could possibly make it work. I knew from the moment I started to follow my stupid plan it wasn't meant to last, but now, whatever it is that we have, I want it to last longer. I wanted to show her how naive her view on the world has been, I wanted her to see what I've been telling her is the truth. But maybe, just maybe, I am wrong.

A knock on my door startles me, my eyes rolling in annoyance. I march toward the door, prepared to see Niall who is probably going to offer to hug me again and invite me to "shoot stuff." I open the door, sighing.

I'm caught off guard when the pair of big doe eyes I've grown fond of gaze right at mine. "Uh, hi," I say awkwardly, gulping.

"I came to give this back to you," Beth says quickly, holding my notebook in her hand.

She's not yelling at me, so that's a good sign. "Have you read it?" My heart starts thumping in my chest.

She shakes her head, avoiding my gaze. "I'm not sure I deserve to read it."

My eyes draw together in confusion, my fingers curling around her wrist as I pull her inside. She gasps in surprise at my action, her eyes flicking back and forth between my lips and my eyes. I almost smile even though it's clearly not the time.

I close the door, moving my gaze to hers. "I want you to read it," I say. "Maybe it will help you understand why am I the way I am."

"Just take it," she says. "I...I peeked at it once and I feel incredibly guilty for it. I swear I did it only once."

Of course she did. I can't say I wasn't expecting that, I know her well enough and I know what happens when curiosity gets into that head of hers. I'm actually surprised I'm not at all angry because she pried where she shouldn't have. It may have something to do with the fact she's the one that has all the right to be angry at me.

"Now you have my permission. Don't frustrate me and read the damn thing," I tell her.

"You do realise what you did can't be forgiven so easily?" Beth says harshly. "You have no idea what..." she shakes her head, her eyes closing.

"I'm really sorry," I say honestly. I haven't got a clue where is it coming from, I just know I need her to tell me it's okay and let me kiss her again. I want to tell her how annoying she is and I need her to tell me she tolerates me and roll her eyes at me. I need her to run her fingers through my hair and I need to hear her say my name when I make her feel good.

"Are you sure about this?" She asks me, ignoring my apology.

"I am," I carefully take a step closer to her, my hand reaching to cup her cheek, but she steps away. I feel an unpleasant feeling in my chest, something I'm not used to. My face falls and I sigh. "Don't let my mistake ruin what we've started to build. My views haven't changed, but please, please don't be mad at me. I swear I regret what I did, Beth, and if you think I slept with you only to hurt you, you're wrong."

She gulps, casting her gaze down. Her fingers fumble with the notebook nervously and I can tell she wants to believe me, but she can't. Earlier today she told her father she trusts me and now I ruined it. It scares me how things have changed so quickly.

When she looks up at me, it bothers me to see her eyes are glossy, ready to shed tears. "I once told you crying is something powerful and significant. I don't deserve your tears."

I never liked seeing people cry, especially not the ones close to me. I witnessed numerous tears on Gemma's and mum's face, and now I have to go through the same thing with Beth. The worst part is, I'm the cause.

"People cry when they're hurt," she frowns, wiping her cheek angrily. "I don't trust you, Harry. Not anymore. You told me I was just a game to you and now you expect me to read this and forget about what you did?"

"I expect you to read this and try to understand," I sigh.

"Zayn already told me about the shots and how they control everyone," she says.

Of course Zayn had to swoop in like a hero and fix what Harry messed up. I can't help but roll my eyes at that. Her small talks with Zayn have always bothered me in a way, it may be because they are very alike, so they understand each other.

"It's still not enough for you to understand."

"Zayn also said--"

"Enough with Zayn," I snap. "Maybe you should've let him fuck you instead and have that emotional shit with him."

The moment those words leave my lips, I regret them. Beth's eyes widen in disbelief before pure anger radiates off her, her jaw clenching.

"You asshole," Beth raises her voice. "What else do you want from me? Why are you even trying so hard? I've told you you won, Harry, stop messing with me and using my feelings for you against me. The moment I heard it was all a lie, I knew I was done with you. You can now find someone else to use because I'm done being your toy. For a person who hates control you've used awful a lot of it."

My lips part, my mouth unable to form a single word. I stare at her for a few moments as her words replay in my head over and over again. I deserved everything she said, I know I did, but she can't just recklessly make a decision without knowing the whole story.

"Beth, look--"

"Just tell me one thing, Harry," she interjects. "Would you have told me the truth if it hadn't been for my father?"

I gulp. "When my original plan had failed, that was an option for me. But I was angry at the world, at you. I was angry because you became useless...and then I realised you're resistant. I wanted to hurt you because of it, I wanted to show you the world's not a romantic fairytale you think it is." I realise how despicable that sounds now that I said it out loud.

Hurt flashes through her eyes and she throws the notebook on the twin bed aside, turning to leave the room. I react quickly, my legs carrying me to block her path. Her soft cheeks are red from anger, her pink lips pressed in a thin line, her hair disheveled. She's beautiful, even in this state.

"Harry, please, just stop," she sighs, her voice cracking. "Why are you so persistent? Why can't you just leave me be?"

"Because I care about you," I say quietly.

Her eyes widen slightly before she shakes her head, a small, bitter laugh escaping her mouth. "I believed you for a split second, you know? My tolerance for you and your lies is gone, Harry."

She's right. Why am I even trying so hard? Why did I let this annoying, frustrating girl get into my head and make a mess as if there wasn't a huge mess already. I should just let her leave. After all, my plan was to just use her and get rid of her. Now's my chance.

I don't care about her, it was just a moment of weakness. I'm used to her and I got afraid of another change, I got afraid of her leaving me, but that's exactly what I need.

"You know what? I want you to leave," I step aside, my eyes glued to her face, unable to look away. "Right now."

She gives me one final glare before reaching for the door handle, twisting it slowly and opening the door.

"Thank you for tolerating me," I add quietly as the door slams shut, and just like that, she's gone.

. . . .

a/n: Ugh, Harry wtf