Fate

CHAPTER 5: Nostalgia

"Nostalgia is a seductive liar that insists things were better than they seemed."

Song: Long Way Home - 5sos

The pouring rain drenched me and got me soaked. The situation can't get any more ironic; mentally drained and physically drenched.

Way to get out of your cave Sierra, I thought. I exclaimed when I found a mass of people going to Wal-Mart until it stops pouring, so I did too. Of course, I did what I'm good at, I ran. And that was the most stupid thing I've ever done.

I slipped on the wet asphalt and got myself even more drenched. "Fuck." I hissed, trying to stand up. I tried to hold on the car behind me to help me get on my feet, but someone's hand was faster to catch me.

A blue-eyed boy; with the same eye color as André's but even lighter, pulled me by the hand (without permission) and tried to pull me up. But I was faster to decide when I yanked my hand from his, making him fall too.

I wanted to laugh, until the laughter escaped my lips involuntary. I cupped my mouth with my hand to suppress the laughter. He noticed.

"Really?" He said between laughter, "Couldn't you just let me help you."

"I'm perfectly capable of helping myself." His smile fell and I felt just a little guilty. He recovered when he saw me get up on my feet. I do not need help.

I stormed to Wal-Mart not giving a care that he is still staring into a blank space right now. Or that my back is completely soaked just like the rest of my clothes, but I couldn't care less. Here's one less thing to care about. I got the beanie off my head as soon as I stepped into Wal-Mart, I can't be completely wet and also have a bird nest on my head. I decided to go on and buy things that'll maybe be useful for college. So, I started with snacks. I picked up a lot of marshmallows, gummy bears, and even a lot of chocolates. Yeah, like this is exactly what you need for college, complained my inner bitch

I was heading to pay for the things I got when I heard another faint "Hey." But I didn't wait for him to approach me, I know better...I played deaf. I guess that's what I'm good at beside running away from my problems, ignoring it. The last thing I want to do today is stress over a stranger who doesn't get the message that I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. To. Him.

"You forgot this." He handed me my phone. Oh.

"Oh." he handed me the phone and I walked away.

"No thank you?" This nosy little thing won't stop talking, won't he? "I'll pass." I think I made it perfectly clear that I'm not interested into talking to a stranger.

"Oh how nice." He scratched the back of his neck, and I gave him my best fake smile and turned to leave. 

I don't know why, but when I didn't hear his boots behind me, I felt a little disappointed. It doesn't really make sense but I always get attached to routines, or at least things that happen constantly and in a row. I know I'm being ridiculous. I turned around slightly to check if he's still there, he wasn't.

I smiled a sad smile to myself. I knew everybody gives up on me, it's okay, I thought.

***

It's crazy how the word 'pain' is not plural but it makes you feel a lot of things, and it's crazy how a single person makes you feel a lot of 'pain'

The nostalgic feeling consumed me when I met the bright blue-eyed boy. His eyes reminded me so much of him, how nosy he is, is just like how André was when I first met him. He, as silly as it sounds, gave up on me just like André. 

I remember that I and André got kicked out of Wal-Mart once for messing around. "I really like gummy bears." I used to tell him,

"Really? We're really different though." He smiled flirtatiously.

"How so?"

"Because," He kissed my nose, "You like gummy bears," Then kissed my cheek "And, I like you." And he leaned in and kissed me. I giggled and turned around to hide my red cheeks, but he was faster when he took my hands and intertwined our fingers, pulling me with him to the other direction. Butterflies had exploded in my stomach at that moment. It felt like all the stars were aligned, my life was perfect. And if you can freeze a moment, I'd have froze this moment and kept it forever.

"What are you doing?" I asked him a little too loud when he started running. 

"Having some fun." He screamed,

"STAAAHPP." I said between laughter when he tickled me and swept me off my feet and gently put me on his shoulder in a swift motion.

"No can do."

"You're crazy."

"Crazy about you."

"Cheesy."

"Pizza."

"What?" I laughed even harder.

"I thought we're playing this game when you say a word and I say what does it remind me with." He said putting me down

"Oh really? I wanna play." I pouted.

"Gummy bears." He started,

"Santa Claus." I grinned widely,

He arched his eyebrows but continued nonetheless. "Chocolate." I said.

"You."

"I'm not black."

"But you're sweet." He said, and I giggled.

I started running and of course, he chased after me. We played around like little kids running after each other and hitting everything we made contact with, hiding behind toilet papers, and throwing chocolate bars at each others, and of course, pissing elder people's off. That was all until a security guard caught up with us. He was standing in front of us, arms crossed and a scowl on his face, "Are you done yet?" He oh-so-professionally said,

"Um..." I trailed off but he was faster to cut me off, "Both of you. Out. Right now."

Giggling, we both left Wal-Mart like little kids without uttering a single word.

...

I missed it. I missed us. I missed the feelings I used to have around him. The butterflies I used to get when I take a glimpse of him or the knots that form in my stomach when he used to compliment me. I miss the excitement I had when he used to kiss me. I miss the me I used to be when I was with him. And above all of this, I missed how happy I was.

Am I even gonna be that happy again?

He left me for another girl, he is happy.

He left me because she made him happier than I am.

But what about me?

...

Pain changes you. Maybe even for the better sometimes. When you're done with your life and close your eyes firmly, you say, "Please end the pain." Whom are you talking to? Is it God? Is it yourself? Is it just the chaos in the back of your head that brings you that nostalgic feeling?

No matter what it is, if you're smart enough, you'll know that everything is in your hands. You can make yourself happy if you believe you can be. You can let life under your skin and be miserable and it'll be in your hands to decide whether you want it or not.

You. Only you. Can decide whether you want to be happy or not.

And I'm tired of being miserable.

If there's someone who'll make me happy, then it's me.

_______