goner. ;; a joshler fanfic

fifteen

a whole week had past from what happened. josh was constantly making sure i was doing okay which made me feel like i might actually be worth something. i promised josh to let him know how i was really doing and ive been trying to.

since last saturday josh and i went on another date he had planned and it was really sweet. and i went over to franks and we watched nightmare before christmas for the hundredth time. they kept me busy so i was never really alone but blurryface made up for that. it didnt matter if i was with josh, or frank, or at school or wherever with whoever. he was constantly there. even when he didnt say anything i could feel it.

so now its saturday night and im sitting in bed watching movies and then my phone lights up from across the room. i pushed aside my laptop and reached for my phone and saw a text from ryan, we hadnt talked since last friday.

'hey tyler sorry if ur asleep rn'

'hah tf is sleep' it felt weird talking to ryan after my failed suicide attempt i guess ill call it. even if he hadnt known about it, it felt weird

'so howve u been'

'okay i guess' im not okay. 'wbu'

'p good. everything okay man?? u seemed off in class this week'

'oh you noticed that?' i didnt want people knowing. not that my mom would give two shits i just-

'what wrong' well now i have to choose. do i be honest or lie. if im honest then he'll know. if i lie ill feel terrible. both are pretty shitty choices. my thoughts were interupted by another text from ryan

'**whats'

'its nothing'

'ok but its something tyler' i hated this why couldnt i just not answer? cause your a piece of shit who can't deal with a little guilt. true.

'jishua' ignoring ryan for now i wanted to talk to josh

'yes tyjo'

'whoa why are you up so late. its 2am jish your usually not awake'

'incase you needed me'

'ok thats cute' i smiled to myself stupidly looking down at the glowing screen

'wanna hang tmrw??' i quickly hit send and held my breath scared of rejection

'sure ty. if you dont need to talk im tired as fuck.' i exhaled and quickly type a response

'sleep jish ill see ya tmrw ily'

'ilyy2'

our texts were usually short conversations since we were almost always together and then in that moment i realized i still hadnt answered ryan. he seemed too cool for me.

'nah im good anyway phone gonna die gtg sorryyyy'

i lied. i feel bad. my phones at 73 i just didnt want to tell him anything

'ok see ya at school i guess bye'

i turned on my phones flashlight and walked into the kitchen seeking a snack. my mom was gone again. she been leaving for the weekends lately, but im not complaining.

as i walked down the hall and into the kitchen the knives were taunting but i thought of josh and tried to ignore blurryfaces words. i wanted to cut, i craved it ever so badly but i couldnt bring myself to it. i knew that if i picked up a knife itd be the last time i picked up anything. i flicked the light switch on and the kitchen became full of light

out of the corner of my eye i could see the knives, it was difficult to ignore them. i pulled up my sweater sleeve and exposed my slashed up wrist i looked at the cuts examining them all. i wanted to cut

i needed to cut

short chapter i gotta wake up early tomorrow so im gonna read through this for errors a couple times and then sleep ((lmao prob not)) sorry for shitty chapters lately im not really happy with this one but its something let me know what you think??