goner. ;; a joshler fanfic

twenty three

do you ever just be listening to northern downpour then Ryan starts singing with beebo and you can just feel your heart breaking cause same.

a week had past and i only went to school on the last half of friday to collect my homework. art class felt so empty with out him that day. i dragged myself through the week and i didnt even leave bed. but frank would come over and make sure i was doing okay. which im so not.

one day frank came to visit and josh was with him. josh said he was sorry for being the way he was to ryan but it was too late. its wasnt going to bring him back. today was the funeral and frank was coming with me for support. i didnt even want to see josh right now itd just be a reminder of what he did. but, since we cant drive he kinna had to come with us.

we walked into the funeral home and we must have been early as there werent alot of people there. his mom was sitting in a chair talking to another girl who must have been a relative or something. and then i looked over and saw brendon crying in a corner. he saw me and walked towards me

"tyler" he said wiping his eyes "you know i didnt impact this right?"

"i-i know brendon. he was hurt after the breakup but recovered fast just-" i looked back to see if josh was there which he wasnt, i dont know where he went. "you know how things were with his mom and then someone was being a cunt and that didnt help anything"

"he was far too young to die tyler!" he gave me a hug and cried into my shoulder "i miss him. i did something wrong and he forgave me which i didnt deserve. he was such a good person he deserved a longer happier life!"

"i know bren."

he shortly after that went back to a spot in the back corner crying. he was clearly really hurt.

"i just cant believe hes gone." i whispered to frank

"i know. he doesnt deserve to be dead." i was already crying, frank was holding back tears and josh was still nowhere to be seen.

"h-have you seen josh? i need to talk to him." i said quietly looking around the room, not that i would have found him as my vision was blurry from all the tears

"nope." he too was now looking for josh.

"im gonna go check the bathroom ill be back"

i wiped my eyes and tried to stop crying. i slowly walked towards the bathroom. once i got there i pushed the door open and saw josh sitting on the counter on his phone. he looked up to see who had came in and immediately jumped off the counter and put his phone away

"hey ty" he said as if everything in the world was great

"we need to talk" i said walking towards him and leaning back on the counter where the sinks were.

"okay"

"i need a break" i spoke quickly so i wouldnt chicken out mid-sentence

"oh" he looked down at his feet

"im sorry josh but im breaking up with you. things were great but took a turn and i cant look at you the same. yes you made a mistake but i just cant-" i tried to swallow the lump in my throat "im sorry" i whispered and left the bathroom before he could see me cry

i returned to frank and told him i had broken up with josh.

"well, its for the best" he put a reassuring hand on my shoulder

the viewing was was really long but we stayed for the whole thing. we even stayed longer than ryans own family. josh stayed in the bathroom avoiding the whole situation and frank stayed with me the whole time. we stayed for probably 6 hours until the funeral home director said we had to go. i just wasnt ready to say goodbye

i told the funeral home director i just needed a few minutes and she nodded and walked away leaving frank and i, and ryan alone.

i walked up to the casket, frank leaving me be for this last goodbye which i was grateful for.

"ryan." i said tears running down my face. he looked so peaceful. "th-thank you for being my friend" i whispered "you were a great friend and didnt deserve this. but i just wanted you to be happy and wherever you are now. i hope your happy, thank you for everything" i put my hand on his. it was cold. "i love you ryan, goodbye"

i slowly stood up and went to frank

"lets go get josh" he said to me i just nodded my head not wanting to speak

after the viewing was the funeral. i hugged frank as ryans casket was lowered into the ground.

josh drove frank and i to franks house then josh went home. he tried to talk to me but i didnt want to talk to anyone.

frank and i sat in silence for a while both mourning ryan. sure frank didnt really know him well but he may as well have from what hes heard from me.

i stayed at franks house for the night and had a dream with ryan in it. it was strange.

i had found a piece of paper with the words 'help' 'help me' written all over it in his handwriting. then a gust of wind blew it away even though i was inside.

i chased after it and it finally stopped blowing in the wind once it took me to ryans grave.