Part of Your World:A Chris Evans FanFiction

6.

                       

Chris left town again for the next few weeks.  He told me he'd been filming a movie based on a comic I had heard of, just because I read comics, but wasn't really familiar with.  It was called the Losers and Chris had been in and out of town because there had been a lot of location shooting around the world, particularly Puerto Rico.  He had said he actually hadn't been supposed to be coming home to LA at all, but was worried that the three months he was supposed to be gone was too much to expect someone to wait for when they'd only just met.  

     Work started really dragging on me.  The lecturing (which was something I was never really comfortable with given the massive class sizes and my social anxiety) had started to move into territory that I was less familiar with.  My expertise being in ecology and behaviour, I was now teaching almost 600 first year students a week about genetics.  Something I was never very good at myself when I was a first year student.  It was light stuff, and not very in depth but I felt like a fraud.  I had to double check all my facts prior to a class, which of course meant I actually checked everything about a dozen times.  I would be up all night checking and double checking, and I was sure, at some point someone was going to ask me a question that I wasn't going to be able to answer, and they'd all see me for the faker I was.  

     I stopped being able to hold down food if I tried to eat within two hours either side of a lecture.  So I stopped trying.  Instead I'd drink a red bull just before the class and hope that the fact they made my heart feel like it was trying to escape my chest that it would cover up the fact my hands were shaking as I spoke.     

     During the second week of Chris being away, I finished my Monday lecture, told my students I was in a hurry and couldn't answer any questions after class, but to email me and I promise I'd respond and I ran back to my office.  I curled up into a little ball and started weeping in the corner.  

    Gaby burst in though the door about half an hour after my class had ended, as she often did, a huge smile on her face.  "Emmy, I've got tickets to..."  She trailed off as she saw me and dashed to the corner, crouched down on the floor and wrapped her arms around me.  "What's the matter?  What's happened?"  

     I sobbed loudly, not even trying to get control over my emotions.  "I can't do it any more.  I'm a fraud.  They'll all seen soon."

     "Who will see?  What can't you do?"

     "They should never have offered me this job, I can't do it. I'm stupid and useless."  

     Gaby started running her fingers through my hair.   "Shh."  She cooed.  "They offered you the job because you are amazing at what you do.  I've read your papers you know."

     My breath hitched.  "You haven't seen me teach.  I don't know what I'm talking about.  What do I know about genetics?  Nothing.  I can't keep standing up in front of everyone and acting like I know what the fuck I'm talking about.  They probably know just as much as I do."

     Gaby laughed and hugged me.  "Oh girl.  Is that all?  No one likes teaching first years.  Why do you think they make us newbies do it?"

     "At least you know what you're talking about."  I sniffed. 

     "Hey, hey.  Trust me.  It's all good.  And even if it isn't, it doesn't matter.  You have the material.  They'll get through fine."  She kissed the top of my head.  "You wanna go get high?" 

     I nodded.

*    *    *    *    *

    Gaby lived off campus with a couple of room mates, so she drove me to her place.  We were lying in her room with the curtains shut, as she rolled us a couple of joints.