Part of Your World:A Chris Evans FanFiction

8.

                       

The next morning we slept late, lying in bed together curled up in each others arms talking.  

     "So what was the thing you didn't want to tell me on the phone the other day?  When you were with Gaby?"  Chris asked me, trailing a finger down my arm.

     I rolled my eyes.  "It was nothing."  I groaned.  "But if you're going to keep asking me, it was just that I had a pretty bad anxiety attack at work."

     Chris' eyes went wide.  "What happened?  Are you okay?"

"Seriously, nothing.  Which I guess is a problem in itself.   I was diagnosed with severe anxiety when I was a teenager.  I went to Catholic school where I felt I had no control over my life.  Plus, as a bisexual girl, I was pretty much damned to hell.  Everyone had all these plans for me, and nothing about what I felt inside matched up.  I was put on medication.  But then when I went to University, I didn't have the same pressure from the school.  My parents sure.  But at school I could dye my hair and date girls.  I found a major I loved, and then I met Jessica.  She really helped me get a focus on what I wanted in my life.   Broke me out of my comfort zone.  With my doctors advice as well, I stopped taking the medication and I had control over it.  But teaching at UCLA has really just pushed me over again.  Having to stand up in front of 300 people twice a day and tell them stuff I am not really an expert on.  I hate it.  And it just got too much for me.  Gaby found me curled up in a ball on the floor of my office.  She's been helping me get back in control of shit again."

     "I'm so sorry, I wish I could have been around for you too.  I'll have to thank Gaby for looking after you."  Chris smiled.

     "I don't think there is anyway I could possibly thank Gaby enough for how she's been helping me.  I still freak out.  But it seems to be not as bad each time.  Maybe I should speak to my doctor about meds again.  At least until I'm done teaching."

     "You know, I have anxiety too."  Chris said.  "I love my job.  I do.  But I hate the press and stuff.  It's the absolute worst when on the rare occasion I get recognised in the street.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like I'm always in my head."

     I nodded, and ran my finger along his jaw.   "Sucks, right?"

     He leaned in and kissed me.

     "Tell me about Jessica."  He breathed when we pulled apart.   "It sounds like you really loved her."

     "Are you sure you want to hear about my ex?" 

     He nodded.

     "I did love her."  I sighed.  "A lot.  She was fun, and spontaneous, and beautiful.  She helped me really get to know myself in a way I'd never had before.  I thought we'd get married.  Maybe move away from Australia, and raise a family."

     "What happened?"

     "She cheated on me.  A lot as it happens.  I think when I look back on it, we probably should have put different expectations on our relationship.  Maybe kept it open.  Because it wasn't the fact she was going off and fucking all these different girls.  It was the fact she kept lying about it all the time.  I couldn't trust her.  And to me, that's the most important thing.  I can't just be jealous and mistrusting of the person I'm with.  I need to be able to relax at let them do their thing and know I'm not going to get hurt."

     "And here I was lying to you."  Chris said, shaking his head.

     "Yeah, right?  Probably why I lost it so much."

     "I'm sorry I put you through that.  I was stupid."  

     "Yeah, I think we've moved past it.  You don't need to keep apologising."

     "It's weird though.  We both got hurt by exes breaking our trust.  And your response is to go; 'Well, I can't change who people are.  So I'll just keep my heart open until I find the person who respects me.'  And here I am, not trusting anyone.  Lying to people about myself, to make sure they're telling the truth about who they are."

     I shook my head and nuzzled my face into his neck.  "People get hurt, they react differently.  I can't hold your natural reaction to hurt against you.  If it takes you time to know I'm not going to take advantage of you.  That's okay.  As long as you don't try and control who I am and change me while doing it.  And I haven't seen any indication that's the kind of person you are."

     He rolled me onto my back and looked down on me.  His eyes were soft and a little sad.  I reached up with one hand and ran my fingers delicately across his brow and then his lips.  He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again.  We remained like that for a while.  Just staring at each other.  I became very aware of our breathing. 

     "I'm really glad I decided to speak to you at that book store."  Chris said, breaking the silence.

     "Me too." I breathed.