One and Only

Part 15

One and Only - Chapter Fifteen
Lauren's POV
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I looked down at Camila whose head was laying on my lap, both of us resting on the couch. She was sleeping, her delicate facial features evident under the soft light of the lamp on my desk. My study was illuminated slightly, only allowing me to see her covered in shadows. She had been asleep for a few hours but I hadn't closed my eyes for more than a couple of seconds, too worried about the younger girl.
I stroked her hair lovingly, the sight of her dry tears making me frown. Her sudden outburst had surprised me to say the least. Was that my fault? Did I make her cry like that? The crease in my forehead was deepening at the thought. I didn't want to make her unhappy but, then again, she thought she was making me unhappy. I knew I was having a difficult time in making my mind up but I didn't know it affected her this much. Sighing to myself, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Her chest rose and fell slightly, her cheeks red from her earlier distress. Her hands were placed by her sides and I wanted nothing more than to hold them, but I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to disrupt the beautiful girl from her slumber.
"I'm sorry, Camila." I whispered, knowing full well she was asleep and couldn't hear me. "I didn't mean to fuck you up."
-
It was after seven in the morning when I saw her eyelids flutter. I moved my hand from her hair, waiting for her to wake up completely. Camila shifted her head to look up a me, a tired look in those chocolate eyes I loved so much.
"Good morning, baby." My voice quivered.
Her hand found mine, intertwining them and resting them on her stomach. She played with my fingers, keeping her gaze on them when she spoke. "Did you sleep last night?"
"Yeah, don't worry about that." I lied. I didn't want her to feel worse than she already did, blaming herself for the things that were my fault.
"Don't lie to me, Lauren." She frowned before meeting my eyes. A sigh escaped my lips and in that, she found her answer. "You can't do that. You have to sleep."
"I couldn't go to sleep when I had you in my lap. I was too worried."
"So, what? You watched me sleep for, like, ten hours?"
I nodded shyly. "I hate seeing you cry." She tightened her grip on my hand, the pad of her thumb rubbing against it. "Especially when you're crying because of me."
There was a silence between us as we looked at each other. "I'd cry forever if it meant you would hold me the way you did last night."
A small crease etched itself onto my forehead before I leaned down to plant a light kiss under both of her eyes. "I'd hold you forever if it meant you wouldn't cry."
A sad smile graced her face before her hand moved to cup my face. She connected our lips slowly, shifting back to sit up sideways in my lap. I felt her tongue trace my bottom lip before she explored my mouth. She kissed me deeply for a while before she tugged at the hem of my shirt. I shook my head hesitantly, grasping her hands and interlocking our fingers.
Camila pulled away, her breathing heavy from lack of air. "Sorry." She quickly got off of me, discreetly wiping the corner of her mouth.
"Don't be sorry." I frowned, trying to come up with a reason for my reluctance. "Look, I know how frustrating it is-"
"No, you don't. You don't know how frustrating it is. No one has ever rejected you in your life, Lauren. You don't know." I swallowed hard, not expecting the anger in her tone. "We're going to be late. There's no time for your excuses now." She glanced at the floor, avoiding my stare. "I'll meet you at work, okay? You can take the car." And like that, she walked out of my study.
-
If I thought she was cold this morning, sitting across from her now felt like a blizzard. There wasn't a hint of a smile on her face, her jaw clenched in dissatisfaction.
The fact that half of the office was staring at us wasn't helping either. I knew it was strange for them to see us so uneasy around each other, but could they at least make their stares less noticeable? None of the girls came up to us, either, only shooting worried glances to me across the room. Camila's eyes remained locked on her work, not giving anyone the attention they wanted. No one approached us, not even our boss, Mr. Clarke.
It was when I was in the copy room that someone finally decided to speak to me.
"Is something wrong?" Mark asked.
I smiled up at him, "No." My attention moved back to the copy machine, trying to get it to work.
"It's just that..." He paused, frowning. "Well, things seem to be a little off. You know, with you and Camila."
"We're fine." I said, pushing multiple buttons to get something out of the machine.
"You can talk to me."
"Mark, we're fine." I huffed, hitting the machine. Camila really did break the damn thing when she saw Adriana near me.
"No, you aren't, and everyone knows it." He placed a hand on my back, rubbing it as I sighed. "Let's go to lunch together, just you and me, and if you want to talk about it, then great... If you don't, we can talk about something else."
I met his concerned eyes, nodding slightly. "Okay."
We walked out of the room separately, the office half empty as people were taking their breaks. I gathered my purse and coat from my desk, the action getting Camila to look up at me.
"Are you leaving?" She asked, surprised.
Before I could answer, Mark appeared behind me. Camila's eyes narrowed. Oh, shit. "We're going for a lunch date together. Don't worry, Camila, I'll have her back before you know it." He grinned at her.
I sent Camila a 'please-don't-hate-me' look, but a frown remained set on her face. Despite her expression, she leaned up for a kiss. I planted one swiftly on her cheek, not being able to bear the look on her face as I bolted out.
-
Mark and I were seated at a small cafe with lots of windows. He was talking to me about the menu as I glanced outside, taking in the scenery. It was raining, the streets filled with umbrellas. I couldn't help but to wonder about Camila and where she was, who she went with, what she was talking about... I'd never felt so conflicted over a girl before-over anyone before. It was always 'no big deal' and Camila knew that. My resistance was nothing short of confusing for her and it killed me knowing that I was the cause of her distress. I huffed, looking at Mark.
"What are you going to order?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowed as he studied the menu in front of him.
"I am so confused." I blurted out.
He nodded, "Yeah, I'm debating between pasta or the-"
"No, not about the food."
"Oh?" He inquired, finally looking up at me. "Oh." He said again, realizing what I was talking about. He set the menu down, interlinking his hands together as he rested them on the table. "Okay. Lay it on me. I'm all ears, baby."
I cleared my throat, finding it extremely difficult to talk about my feelings. "Camila and I..." I began. "We were good-really good. We were happy and it was so easy to just be with her..."
"What changed?"
"We had sex." I admitted.
He stifled a snort. "Was she bad?"
"No." I rolled my eyes. "Why'd you just assume she was the bad one? What if it was me that didn't perform well?"
"Uh, because I've slept with you before and let me tell you-you perform." I chuckled. "So, the sex... Not bad?" I shook my head no. "I assume it was pretty hot then." Mark smirked, both of us laughing together.
"It was hot and it was sexy and I ripped her dress off." I grinned. "We were both very satisfied."
"Her dress, huh? Niiiiiice." He wiggled his eyebrows at my smirk, the memory fresh in my mind. "So, what's the problem, then?"
I paused, trying to build up the courage to tell him. Before I could get a word out, a waiter interrupted us. "May I take your order?" He was clearly staring. Mark and I ordered quickly. "I don't think I've ever seen you around here." He said to me, leaning on the table, his elbow supporting him.
"Um, yeah. It's my first time here." I watched as Mark rolled his eyes at the encounter.
"What do you say to you and I going out for a couple of drinks later? Can I get your number?"
Mark grabbed his arm, spinning the guy around to face him. "You know what you can get? My fist in your face repeatedly if you don't leave my girlfriend alone."
He cleared his throat, frightened. "My apologies, sir." Mark let his arm go and watched him scurry off.
It was times like these where my arrangement with Mark paid off. I could let him be an asshole to me in public forever if it meant creeps like that would stay away. "Nice job, boyfriend." I teased.
"Whatever." He took a sip of his drink. "Finish telling me your lady drama."
"Okay." I sighed. This was about to become so much more real-my relationship with her. I was admitting it to myself... I took a deep breath. "I've had feelings for Camila for... a long time." Mark's eyes widened. "A long, long time." I began fiddling with my hands apprehensively. "And I've never... well, I've never had feelings for someone besides her. I've always kept it pretty under wraps because the feeling-well, it makes me nervous, if I'm being completely honest. I'm not used to this." Mark listened intently, fully interested in where I was going with this. "Being with her... you know, in that way... it just brought up a lot of feelings that I tried to forget about and keep buried away." I felt a smile tug at my lips despite my anxious demeanor. "The way she looks at me, Mark... The way she holds my hand and the way she kisses me, like I'm the only thing that matters in the world to her... Everything she does just makes these feelings grow." I gulped, continuing. "I'm afraid of that. I've never felt this strongly about anyone before and it terrifies me. So, I've been pushing her away, you know? Trying to slow this down so that I can take control over these feelings again. I was doing so well with hiding them... Seven years of control and it's all gone-instantly." There. I said it. I looked at Mark, anticipating his reaction.
He took in my words, considering them for a moment, before he responded. "I don't think that you should push her away, Lo. You're always so careful and, sure, you had your fun with those people, but this is Camila. She's not just some random fuck to you. She's important to you and you're important to her. You should just let loose, Lo, for once in your life. Let go with her. See where it takes you." He smiled at me. "And if you fuck up, like I did, I promise you that I'll still be here for you... With tons of alcohol."
I giggled, the advice weighing heavy in my heart. "Thanks, Mark. Despite what your ex tells you, your daughter is lucky to have a dad like you, even if she doesn't get to see you as much as you'd like."
He beamed at me, the mention of his pride and joy making him glow. "Well, Camila is lucky to have a girl like you, even if she doesn't get to have her dresses ripped off as much as she'd like."
We laughed together, my previous confusion about my relationship with Camila vanishing. He was right, I needed to let go. I smiled, knowing Mark was my little secret. He was horrible to me in front of others, mainly because of the agreement we made, but as we were by ourselves, he was a friend in ways Camila couldn't be and I treasured him. I knew everyone thought he was a shit person, but he had been there for me in ways he didn't even know about. Mark was the only 'repeat' I'd ever done-I never ended a relationship and then went back on it-but he was special to me, and I was special to him.
I had no romantic feelings for him, but he was nice to have there when I needed to forget, and I knew he felt the same way about me.
-
We got back to the office about an hour later and I was disappointed when I returned to my seat and Camila wasn't at hers. I waited for a couple minutes more until she finally arrived, walking in with Ally by her side.
Camila sat down in front of me, glaring. "Did you have fun with your fuck buddy?"
I couldn't hide the smile creeping up on my face. "Camila Cabello, are you jealous?"
She didn't seem as amused. "I'm glad to see you haven't returned intoxicated. We both know how badly he messes you up when he's finished with you."
"We just talked." I rolled my eyes.
"Oh, yeah? About what? Catching up on old times, were you? Like the time he kept you drunk for a whole weekend." Her eyes were ablaze, infuriated with me.
"He didn't keep me drunk. I kept myself drunk to forget about the news of you moving to California-the news you didn't tell me about." I stated, simply.
"That's not fair." She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, breaking eye contact with me for a brief moment. When our eyes locked again, hers were less angry.
"Who said anything about fair?" I shrugged. She scoffed at me and I almost smirked at the sight of a mad Camila. "You." I stated.
"What?" She seethed, obviously not in the mood to play games.
"We talked about you." I informed her.
She blinked at me, not expecting that response. "Me?"
"Yeah. We did talk about sex but... only about you and me." My smirk found its way out.
Camila gaped at me. "You told him about that?"
"I told him about a lot of things. He knows stuff about me. I know stuff about him."
She sat back in her seat, pondering something. "Vulnerable Lauren came out today for Mark?"
"That's not the first time."
She pouted at me. "I thought I was the only one who got to see Vulnerable Lauren."
I paused, contemplating what she said. "People might see that side of me but you're the one and only person who knows that side of me." She smiled. "So, you aren't mad at me anymore?" A small shake of her head gave my answer. "Good, because I wasn't planning on running away and eloping with Mark."
Camila chuckled. "I wasn't worried about that. I know you aren't ever planning on running away and eloping with anyone. That's a joke." She went back to work, the words she said stinging a little.
I frowned. I mean, she was right-I had always said I never wanted to get married-but it still hurt a bit. I brushed it aside, like I did with everything else that bothered me, and returned to my work, happy to know she wasn't upset with me as much anymore.
-
I was writing in my study when Camila walked in, the scent of perfume making me look up. She was in one of those dresses Adam had bought her-the 'acceptable' ones-and her hair and make-up were done to his standards. My eyebrows raised in interest.
"Adam asked me to dinner." She stated.
I stared at her for a moment, my gaze making her uncomfortable. "Do you want to go?"
"A little." She admitted. I nodded before she began to explain herself. "I've just... I've known him for years. He was the first guy to ever even talk to me, you know? I'm interested in what he has to say." She paused. "If you don't want me to go, I won't. Just say the word and-"
"You should go." I interrupted her.
She looked surprised. "I should?" I nodded again, shrugging. "You don't have an issue with us talking over dinner at some restaurant in the city without you?"
"Should I?"
Camila frowned. "No, I... I guess you shouldn't."
I forced my best smile. "Have fun."
And she was gone.
-
It was around eleven at night when I heard a knock at the door. Confused, I threw on a robe to cover myself before I opened the door.
"Gabrielle?"
"Hi, Lauren." She smiled radiantly. "May I come in?"
"Yes, of course." Gabrielle strode past me, inhaling deeply. "Here, let me take your coat." She shrugged it off and I placed it on the rack, waiting for her to speak.
"I know it's late, but I was in the neighborhood after leaving the office-late work nights and all-and I knew you would be awake." She laughed. "Is Camila up? I'd like to talk with her, too."
"She's, um, out with Adam."
Gabrielle gave me an astonished look. "She's still together with Adam?"
"Well, no."
"Then why are they out on a date?"
I grimaced. "You can wait here until she comes back and ask her yourself if you want."
"No, I'm sorry. That won't be necessary. You can just pass along the invitation." Gabrielle grinned, her black hair shining even under the soft light. She held up her left hand and on her third finger was a ring. "I'm getting married."
I gasped, inspecting it. "Holy shit." My eyes looked to her. "That's great! Congratulations!" We giggled, hugging tightly.
She rambled the story to me quickly about running into her old friend from high school and how it 'just happened' all while holding me close. She finally pulled back, her hands resting on my shoulders. I moved my hands, placing them over hers. "I'm just so, so happy and I'd love it if you and Camila could come. I know we had a bit of a rocky ending, but I like to think we were good friends before then."
"Yes, of course! Oh, Camz will be so happy to go." I smiled warmly at her.
The door opened suddenly, Gabrielle and I whipping our heads in that direction.
"Hi, Camila." Gabrielle smiled.
Camila's jaw dropped just before she glanced at our hands, the familiar glare from today returning. "What the fuck?" She yelled.
Gabrielle removed her hands, attempting to explain, but Camila wasn't having it. She began screaming at her to get out, to leave, throwing her coat at her. Once Gabrielle was out of the loft, Camila slammed the door, turning around to face me.
She wasted no time in beginning to scream at me, too. "Seriously, Lauren? I mean, you've got to be fucking kidding me. I'm gone for a couple of hours and you call Gabrielle up? And what the fuck was that? 'Hi, Camila.', all nonchalant like she doesn't give a fuck that I caught you? What the hell does she think this is? I'm so tired of these girls who aren't phased at all by me being with you! Like I'm nothing to them-like I can't compare to them!" I watched her yell patiently, unamused. I wasn't going to try to speak when she was this angry. "I cannot fucking believe this, Lauren-you know what, actually, I can. I can believe this. What I can't believe is how I was so stupid to think you could actually commit to someone-like you could handle a real relationship. God, Adam was right. This is a huge mistake. All you care about is yourself and it's obvious I mean nothing to you. If I'm not enough for you-if you want someone other than me, this isn't going to work!"
I took a deep breath, studying her. She was waiting for me to say something, looking at me expectantly. My voice was calm when I replied, but you could hear the harshness from miles away. "Gabrielle came here tonight to invite you and I to her wedding but I'm not so sure we'll be on the guest list after that." Her shaky hand moved to cover her mouth in disbelief. "You're so concerned with Gabrielle not knowing 'what the hell this is', why don't you ask yourself? What the hell do you think this is?" I could feel myself getting more angry and I knew if I didn't leave now, I would explode. I gave her once last disapproving look before I walked out of the door, slamming it as hard as I could behind me.
I don't know what came over me after that. I just started running. I didn't even know where I was going at this point, I just needed to get away from there. There was so much happening-I validated my feelings for her after seven years and she spent a night with her ex-fiancé and Gabrielle showed up and Camila completely freaked out on us. I ran until my lungs couldn't take it anymore, finally resting against a random building.
I was so tired-physically and emotionally. I didn't know how to deal with this. What was I supposed to do when being with the only person I cared about was getting harder and harder? Maybe she was right-maybe I couldn't handle a real relationship. I huffed, regaining my full posture. It was easier to breathe now. I didn't know how long I'd been gone from home and I couldn't seem to get her out of my thoughts.
I mentally cursed myself. I had gone seven years-seven years burying these feelings down and now they were back. Only this time I was going to be forced to deal with them.
-
I had managed to stay out past three in the morning. When I returned home, it was quiet, the sound of the soft click of the front door shutting and locking flowing through the loft.
When I entered our room, I wasn't expecting to see Camila. She must have been sitting at the end edge of the bed, because only her hips and up were laying on the mattress. She was asleep, a bouquet of roses near her hand.
I decided to move the flowers to the dresser, absentmindedly waking up Camila in the process.
"I'm sorry." I heard her whisper.
I didn't turn to face her, knowing it'd be too difficult. My fingertips traced the petals of the red roses. "It hurts to know that you think I'll cheat on you, like I would just bring Gabrielle to the loft and unravel her on the bed we both sleep in now. It hurts to know that you think of me like that."
Camila got up, standing behind me. "I don't want you to get bored of me. You had a pretty active lifestyle before me and I came in and messed it up. You won't even touch me and it's just-it's really scary thinking that. Your life used to be drinking and clubs and hot sex in dirty bathrooms and now it's just laying on the couch in comfortable pajamas with your lame roommate." I turned to face her, frowning.
"It's not just that. It's laying on the couch with you in comfortable pajamas with you."
"But is that really enough?" She asked.
"I can't imagine the day it won't be, Camila."
She looked at me, contrite. "Adam kissed me!"
My jaw clenched in response to her outburst. "What?"
"Over dinner, he was saying all of this stuff, trying to get me back and saying he's still in love with me, he wants me, and I got up to leave-to come home to you and he kissed me and I swear to God, I pulled away. I didn't kiss him back, I promise, and I'm sorry, I just-I guess this felt like the right time to tell you when we have all of our stuff out in the open and-"
I cut Camila off from her rambling, my mind focused on the kiss. "Do you have feelings for him?"
"No!" She exclaimed immediately. After a beat of silence, she answered again. "...No."
"You don't seem so sure." My tone was accusing.
"It felt nice to be wanted." Camila told me. I grimaced. That was a low blow. She continued, "You just let me go with him like you didn't even care we were going to get married... You let me go to dinner with him like it was nothing. I think that that's why I was so quick to judge when I walked in and saw you with Gabrielle. I just-my mind was all messed up about the kiss and what he was saying-that he wants me back and how you'd never want me-and then to come home and see you with an old girlfriend, I thought maybe you were getting back together with her and-"
I held up a hand to silence her. "It's not my job to tell you where you can and can't go, Camila. If you want someone to dictate your life, get back together with Adam. That's not who I am and you know that's not who I am. Don't blame this on me." I inhaled sharply. "The difference in this, Camila, is that I trusted you to go and visit with Adam knowing that might happen because I knew you would walk away. I knew you wouldn't betray me like that. Why don't I get the same trust in return?" I watched as she stuttered for the right words, nothing coming out. "You don't trust me, Camila, and I don't want to be thinking of that when I'm with you."
"I trust you." She said, weakly.
"No, you don't." I scoffed, angry at her lie. "You made it pretty obvious tonight."
"Lauren..."
I shook my head, stopping her from speaking again. "I need to figure some things out, Camila. I need some time."
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