One and Only

Part 38

One and Only - Chapter Thirty-eight
Lauren's POV
-
It was 8:26 A.M. when I woke up to see an empty space next to me. Frowning at the absence of my brunette beauty, I swung my legs out of bed and got to my feet, wiping the tiredness from my eyes. Since Camila refused to let me out of her grasp after I had come home last night, I was still in my clothes. The tight waistband on the skirt had left a blemish on my hips and I groaned as I pulled the garment off, my fingers trying to sooth the somewhat itchy mark.
Despite the dull headache I had, I felt pretty relaxed as I walked out into the living room. "Good morning," I said to Camila, who was sitting on the couch. I bent over to kiss her cheek in greeting when I noticed tears coating the skin there. She wiped them away as fast as she could, looking up to smile at me. Before she could brush it off, I spoke, "What's wrong?"
Camila shook her head, "Nothing, baby." She leaned up to kiss me.
I moved back, sitting down on the coffee table in front of her. "Tell me."
"It's really nothing."
I gestured to her swollen eyes and red nose. "It's something."
After she realized I wasn't going to leave the subject alone, she sighed, "I just got off of the phone with Sofi-"
My eyes widened at the mention of her younger sister. "What happened? Is she okay?"
"She's fine," Camila reassured me. "It's just..." I watched as fresh tears formed and she chuckled when I reached for her hands. "You're going to think this is so stupid." I frowned at that. "I miss her."
"That's not stupid."
"Oh, come on. You don't have to pretend like I'm not overemotional."
"Hey," I said, moving to sit beside her on the couch so I could rub her back, "I'm not pretending. Being away from family is hard."
"How would you know?" Camila gasped as the words came out of her mouth, looking at me in regret. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean-"
"No, you're right," I stopped her. "It's not the same for us. I miss my father everyday-you know how hard his death was on me." My girlfriend nodded, squeezing my hand to comfort me. "And I don't even have a chance to miss my mother... But I missed you when we weren't together and I know that's not the same thing but it was some of the worst pain I've ever felt in my life." She brought my hand up to her mouth and kissed it, her eyes still filled with sadness.
"She's just growing up so fast and I'm missing so much of it."
"Maybe you should take a trip back down to Miami," I suggested.
My heart almost broke at the sound of her sniffling. "You think so?" When I nodded in response, she looked at me nervously. "Will you come with me?"
I did everything in my power not to collapse right there. My heart was almost beating out of my chest. Meeting the parents? ...Well, I'd met them before. I practically lived with them and Camila during my senior year of high school... But this was different. I was dating their daughter now. What if they didn't accept that?
What if they didn't accept me?
"Lauren?"
"Hmm?" I snapped out of my panicky thoughts, refocusing on Camila.
"You'll come with me?" She asked.
I took a deep breath, trying to play it cool. "Of course."
A squeal escaped her mouth as she shot up, running out of the room. "I've got to go plan this! We're going to Miami!" She shouted, "We're going to MIAMI!"
When I was alone in the room, I shut my eyes, rubbing my temples. That dull headache I woke up with had taken on a new level. It was throbbing.
I hadn't seen her family since we moved out here just over a year ago. Camila always went back for the holidays, but I never had any family to go back to, so my company around that time was usually lonely girls with daddy issues.
And since Camila told everything to her mom, Sinu, I was sure she knew about those things. What mom would be happy to hear that her daughter was dating some sort of big city slut? Not to mention the amount of times Camila had probably called her crying over me. If I was her mom, I wouldn't be my biggest fan right now.
Despite being nervous, I was excited that I would be seeing Sofia. She always felt like the little sister I never had.
Usually, I hated being around kids-and I didn't say that to be insulting or rude. I just didn't do well around them. I guessed it was because I didn't really get a childhood of my own. My dad didn't have time for me to be a kid, so I just wasn't. I grew up.
But I didn't hate him for it. His wife abandoned him and left him with some dependent being. He didn't know how to handle it. Neither did I.
I didn't understand childhood.
"Oh, my God!" I heard Camila scream.
My thoughts vanished as I got up and ran to where she was, afraid she had hurt herself. "Camz?" I rushed over to her, noticing her mouth agape as she stared at her phone. "Camila, what is it?"
"Dinah's in labor!" The brunette let out a sound of cheerful laughter, showing me the text Dinah's husband sent out. "She's having the baby. We have to go to the hospital!"
My heart stopped. Seeing that gleam in her eyes gave me a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't exactly place. "Camz, she's going to be in labor forever. I mean, Ally was in labor for twelve hours before her first son came along. We can go later-"
"Are you crazy? I'm not missing out on this," she interrupted, moving to the closet. "One day, I'll be experiencing childbirth and I'd like to see what I'm getting myself into."
I froze. She wanted a baby. A flash of the engagement ring I had bought ran through my mind. How incredibly selfish did I have to be to purchase a ring for someone who I never discussed a future with?
"What are you doing?" Camila grinned, throwing jeans at me. "Get dressed. You're keeping me company."
I gave a half-hearted smiled, putting on my clothes and trying to brace myself for the rest of the day.
One step forward meant two steps back.
-
The first hour at the hospital was okay. We got situated in the right waiting room and waited until Dinah was up for visitors. We found Normani, who was also here early to see what it would be like when she had her baby, and things were good for a while. I thought, Maybe this won't be so bad.
The second hour was better. We all surrounded Dinah who, every so often, let out a loud cry of pain that seemed to unsettle Camila. I felt bad for praying that Dinah's yells would worsen. To silently make it up to her, I paid for her to be moved to a private room.
The third hour wasn't as great. We were still with Dinah, but we had all grown accustomed to the loud yelps of suffering. I barely even noticed it anymore-neither did Camila.
The fourth hour was where everything started going downhill. It was constant talk of babies and motherhood and raising children. I found myself being pulled into the conversation by Normani and Dinah, who kept asking about baby names and giving me 'what-if' scenarios: What if your kid turned out this way? or What if your kid did this? What if your kid did that? But I politely got my way out of answering every question they asked, trying not to scream out 'leave me alone'.
Hour five wasn't bad. I talked to Dinah's husband, who was glad to discuss other topics with me that didn't revolve around his first born. It was mostly about sports, but I had dated so many sporty lesbians that I could keep up with what he was talking about.
Hour six, seven, eight, nine, ten, and eleven all blurred together. It was 8 P.M. and Dinah was still in labor. Her contractions were getting worse though, which had to mean the baby was close to coming out. Then we could go home. I could cuddle up to Camila and we could forget about all of this baby talk.
But by hour twelve, I knew that wasn't possible. Ally had shown up and, by being the most experienced one regarding children, she was constantly being shot questions by Normani and Camila... and Dinah, through gritted teeth.
The thirteenth hour was rough. I spent most of it thinking about my mom. Was she as excited as Dinah was to hold me when I was born? Or did she know from the start that she was going to leave? It was crazy to me trying to imagine her laying in one of these hospital beds, going through all of this pain only to end up discarding me a few years after.
I spent hour fourteen with Ally's husband, Troy, who was dragged here by Ally herself. He was probably my favorite out of all the husbands. He was nice and funny and for a little while, he made me forget about all the worrying I was doing.
Hour fifteen, they kicked us out of her room.
Hour sixteen, he was born.
We all filed into the room which seemed significantly smaller with everyone crowded inside. Everyone was crying, except me.
Ally held him first after Dinah, telling the story of how it felt the first time she held her own son. Troy smiled proudly, standing next to Ally and playing with his little hands. They were two very elated godparents.
Normani was next. She said, "I can't wait for you to grow up with my baby," which made everyone cry more. I smiled at him from over her shoulder. I was happy for Dinah and her family. I knew she'd be a great mother, just like she was a great friend.
Camila was next. I didn't move. I didn't breathe.
The room got quieter when Dinah's baby was placed in her arms. She softly smiled at him, looking more breathtaking than ever before. Her hand moved to caress his head, stroking the dark hair he was born with. "He's beautiful," she whispered, more to herself than any of us.
I couldn't stand to watch it. She looked so... happy. I left the area as quick as possible, pacing back and forth outside of the hospital room. I was trying to pull it together before anyone realized something might be wrong, but I couldn't seem to calm down.
I don't know how much time had passed before Camila came out into the hallway-maybe ten minutes or so. She had her eyebrows furrowed. "Lauren?"
"I'm fine, Camila." I didn't look at her, trying to steady my breathing. "Just go back to the girls."
"You're not fine. You've been like this all day-"
"Camila-"
"No!" She cut me off. "You need to tell me." I didn't respond. "You said you would try harder."
"I just really need to be alone right now," I told her, getting the car keys out of my pocket and handing them to her. "You take the car. Drive safe, okay? I'll get a cab. Tell Dinah I'll call her later." I hurried off before Camila could respond, taking my phone out to call for a car. I realized it was almost 1:30 A.M.
I reluctantly began a text to Camila: Don't be mad. Please make sure you drive safe. I didn't realize it was this late. I love you and I'll see you at home.
My phone lit back up seconds after I sent it.
Camila Cabello: I'm not mad, dweeb. I'm worried. If you don't tell me what's going on, I'll drive extra reckless.
Camila Cabello: Just kidding.
Camila Cabello: I'll drive safe. I love you, too.
I smiled despite my mood and called for a cab, impatient to get home. Maybe I would feel better after a few moments alone. Maybe my heart would stop trying to break free from my chest. Maybe I'd be able to breathe again.
-
Truthfully, I didn't get much time to be by myself before I heard Camila open the door. She didn't come into my study though. I guess she thought I would come to her. I didn't.
It was just after two in the morning now and my wrist was hurting due to the fast scribbling I'd been doing since I got back.
After a couple of minutes, she walked in and stood in front of my desk, arms crossed. She didn't look angry. In fact, she was giving me a smile. But I could see she was anxious. "You've been in here long enough. It's time to talk." Camila walked over to me and I pulled her in my lap, her legs draping sideways over mine.
"I can think of something better to do than talking." I murmured, my lips finding hers.
She reciprocated for a bit before she pulled away, "Are you trying to seduce me so you can get out of discussing this?"
"Absolutely," I admitted.
"Nice try." Her perfectly shaped lips formed into a frown. "Now spill. Why were you so upset at the hospital?"
"I don't like hospitals." It wasn't a complete lie. I mean, who really liked hospitals?
The girl in my lap gave me a skeptical look. "Since when?"
"Since... now?" I cringed at my own unconvincing tone.
She rolled her big brown eyes at me, "This whole not discussing our problems thing didn't work out for us before. Are we really going back to that?" I hesitated, breaking eye contact with her and focusing on playing with her fingers. Camila dipped her head to meet my gaze, "Tell me." It was more of a beg than a demand, the nervousness in her voice evident.
I sighed, resting my arm across her legs. "When I saw you with Dinah's son... you just looked so happy. I don't think I've ever seen you that happy before." I began to stroke the skin on her legs, trying to ease myself into telling her the rest. "You were glowing, Camila. I just can't get it out of my head that I won't be able to give you that-what you ultimately want. Having kids has always been a dream for you and I hate that I'm taking that away from you. I couldn't bear to watch it for one more second. Seeing you hold that baby-I mean, you looked like a mother... which is just another part of the fairytale that I can't give to you."
"Lauren, there's lots of ways we can have kids." Her eyes lit up and I realized she didn't get what I was saying. "There are donors or we can adopt or-"
"No, Camila." I shook my head, "You aren't understanding. I don't...," I huffed, not able to look her in the eyes as I said it, "I don't want children."
I could feel her eyes on me, the silence in the air suffocating me as I waited for her to say something. "Ever?" She breathed. That one word had never sounded so broken before.
I looked at her sympathetically, not answering, and she didn't waste one more second before she tried to get up. My hands grasped at her waist, "Camz-"
"Lauren, just-" She stifled a sob, her hand moving to cover her mouth.
I let her go, understanding what she was asking of me. She needed to be alone. I watched as she stumbled out of the study, feeling helpless: something I thought I'd never feel again.
A thought that made bile rise in my throat crossed my mind.
What if she didn't want to be with me anymore?
What if she ended things?
I didn't want to lose her again. Not after everything we'd been through.
Not after I bought a ring for her. Not after I decided on a future with her.
But I wouldn't stop her from leaving. It wouldn't be right. I wouldn't expect her to stay when I knew I was making her unhappy. That was one mistake I refused to make again.
How could she give up a family? For me? She was going to have to give up something she's wanted for twenty-two years for someone she's known for seven? That wasn't right.
I wanted to scream. I was angry at myself. She was giving up everything for me and I just kept taking more. I wanted to give her the world. I wanted to give her what she wanted. But I couldn't raise a baby. I couldn't be a mother.
I waited a few more minutes before I decided it was time to get up and check on Camila. I didn't know what to expect when I saw her on the balcony.
She was leaning on the railing, seemingly deep in thought.
"Camila?"
She wiped at her eyes before she turned around to face me, a heartbroken expression painting her face. "I need to know why." She continued when I looked at her, not understanding. "Why you don't want children. Is it because you don't want them with me? Is it something I'm doing-something I did?"
"Camila, no." I had to restrain myself from touching her, knowing she wasn't ready for that yet. "Don't you ever think that. It's not you." I exhaled heavily, having difficulty organizing my thoughts and speaking. "What if I turn out like her?"
At the mention of my mother, Camila's expression changed immediately to concern. "Lauren..."
I could hear the pity in her voice and I shook my head, "I can't take that risk on someone-on another child."
"You're not your mother, Lauren."
I disregarded that, wrapping my arms around myself insecurely. "Look, I understand if... I mean, if you want to leave..." I looked away, my throat closing up as tears threatened my eyes.
The petite girl moved to embrace me and we were both urgent to hold each other as tightly as we could. Camila rested her head on my chest and we stood still for a while until she said, "I love you."
"I'm sorry."
She ignored that comment, leaning back to look at me, her eyes determined. "There's nothing in the universe that I want more than I want you."
"You deserve bet-"
Her lips connected with mine, slow at first before it quickly turned needy. Her hand wrapped around my neck, pushing our mouths closer together, before her tongue traced along my bottom lip and began to explore the mouth she knew so well. When she reluctantly pulled back, her eyes pierced through mine. "I never want to hear you say that again."
"I just hate making you unhappy."
"I hate that you think you make me unhappy."
"I just know how much you want kids," I said.
"I don't need kids, Lauren." Her shaky hand moved to caress my cheek. "What I need is you. I would give up the world before I gave up you."
I just stared at her. I studied her tear-stained face and I felt her trembling hand on my skin and I saw the way she looked at me, like I mattered, and I believed her.
So I kissed her. Her lips were soft and sweet and something I'd never get tired of.
I kissed her and I didn't stop until we moved inside and somehow found ourselves on the couch, stripped down to nothing. I was reminded that my favorite sound to hear was her heavy breathing, I was reminded that my favorite sight to see was her underneath me, I was reminded that my favorite taste to savor was her.
It was slow and gentle and apologetic and real.
It was love.
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