One and Only

Part 16

One and Only - Chapter Sixteen
Camila's POV
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Lauren wouldn't even look at me and I couldn't blame her. I had said some horrible things-things I couldn't take back. At first, I blamed Adam for this. He had been getting into my head the short time we were together two days ago. I was fuming now just at the memory of the whole thing.
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We hadn't even gotten our food when he blurted it out. "I want you back."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Okay, but I'm with Lauren now. I told you that."
"You're making a huge mistake." He scoffed, his face an expression of disgust. "Where the hell have you been those past seven years, Camila? Have you not seen how she is in a relationship?" Adam shook his head, thoroughly baffled at my decision to be with her. "Do you really think she's interested in what you're interested in? You want a life. She can't give you that. I can."
"She's different with me." I mumbled.
"How many of her girlfriends have said that exact same thing to you?"
I placed my head in my hands for a split second, flustered at his words. He was confirming every insecurity I had about this relationship with her-I was nothing to Lauren and that would never change.
Adam continued, fueled on the idea that he was getting into my head. "She has a new girl in her bed every night. What, you think this thing with her is going to last forever? She's just going to give up her previous sex life to be with you? I don't think so, Camila. Who is going to be there for you when she tosses you to the side like she's done so many times before with other girls? You won't have her shoulder to cry on if she's the one making you cry."
"I love her." I said, as if that one statement made all of his points invalid.
"She's never going to love you. She's never going to love anyone. We're talking about Lauren here. All she cares about is herself. You think you're special to her?" He chuckled. "Don't be pathetic, Camila. For all we know, she's just pretending for the sake of your feelings." His hand reached over the table to grasp mine. "I'm not pretending. I love you. Forget about Lauren-she'll forget about you."
I frowned, taking my hand back. "I can't forget about her." I stood up. "I should go."
"Why go? It's not like she'll be waiting for you. Girls like Lauren don't wait." He got to his feet, "Just be with me, Camila. I love you and she doesn't."
Before I could register what was happening, his lips were pressed to mine. I had forgotten how rough they were compared to Lauren's. I pursed my lips together, forcing his tongue out of my mouth, and shoved him off of me. "I'll never love you like I love Lauren." We shared one last exchange before I walked out, my hand roughly wiping at my mouth. The taste of Adam was prominent, my cheeks flushed in anger.
I never understood why I stayed with him for so long when he made me feel this way-inadequate, insufficient, pathetic. Maybe it was the fact that I knew he would never leave me. I was safe with him. Being with Lauren was so different. It was risky and exciting. She made me feel alive. I just hoped I made her feel the same way.
However, there was some truth behind what Adam had said about my girlfriend. What if it didn't work out with her? What would I do then? I had always gone to Lauren for my problems and I'd never thought about what would happen if I no longer had her in my life.
The comments about her leaving me seemed to stick in my mind as I drove home. Was I holding her back? Was she just pretending like Adam said for the sake of my feelings? It would explain her hesitance to just be with me. It would explain her reluctance and 'taking it slow' approach. Adam wanted me and I wanted Lauren but what the hell did she want?
When I parked, I noticed a familiar car. I got out rapidly, taking a closer look. Holy shit. No, that wasn't possible. She couldn't be here. Not at eleven PM at night. My walking pace increased significantly as I entered our building, trying to get to our loft as quickly as possible.
My shaky hands fumbled for my house key, the words of Adam in my head all at once: "She has a new girl in her bed every night." "Do you really think she's interested in what you're interested in? You want a life. She can't give you that." "She's never going to love you. She's never going to love anyone." "Forget about Lauren-she'll forget about you." "You think you're special to her? Don't be pathetic, Camila."
I pushed the door open, my jaw dropping at the sight of Lauren in her robe, her hands interlinked with a very excited and close Gabrielle. Adam was right. Her happy greeting set me off. I couldn't cry-not now. I needed to be angry. I needed to explode.
And oh, I fucking exploded.
It all happened so fast. First I was pushing-more like shoving-Gabrielle out of my home and then I was screaming at Lauren. The fact that she wasn't retaliating was only making me more mad.
It was then when she explained everything, my face falling at the realization. I flinched when she slammed the door behind her, the seriousness of the situation weighing in on me. What the fuck had I done?
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But it wasn't Adam's fault. He didn't walk in my home and insult my girlfriend. That was all me, and now she wouldn't speak to me. It was becoming increasingly harder to accept that this whole thing was my fault. It had been a total of two days and I decided the worst thing was falling asleep without her. I began to wonder how in the world I used to sleep alone without her by my side.
Neither of us slept in either of the bedrooms. I slept on the living room couch and she stayed in her study. I wasn't sure she had been sleeping at all, though, the increase in her coffee intake noticeable.
Lauren rarely left the room, always writing something in her journal. She stopped playing her music and I found myself missing the songs of the Eagles flowing through the loft.
The girls could tell something was going on with us but no one had said a thing to me. They just looked at me with sympathy as if they thought I was the most fragile thing in the world and I hated it. It was like they were confirming that we were going to break up and I just couldn't think about that. I refused to believe that losing her was even an option.
It was lonely without her near me. I didn't have anything else to do. I couldn't concentrate on anything long enough before she entered my mind again. I couldn't read or watch TV or listen to music or even focus at my own job. All I saw in my head was her face when she told me she needed time. I hadn't realized just how much she was a part of my life until she stopped being a part of it. It'd only been around forty hours-not even a whole two days-since I last heard her voice and I was missing it like crazy. I was missing her like crazy.
I couldn't take it anymore. I got up, walking straight into her study. She continued to write in her journal, not missing a beat even at my appearance. "Do you want to go out?" Lauren glanced up at me, her hand stilling. To my surprise, she wasn't looking at me with hate. "Like... together. We could get dinner." She shook her head no. "Or I could go pick something up and bring it back?"
"I'm not hungry." Lauren replied and the sound of her voice made me sigh in relief. I was beginning to think I'd never hear it again. It'd only been forty hours.
"You didn't eat yesterday." I frowned. "You've got to eat something."
"Not hungry." She said again.
I nodded reluctantly. "What about a movie? We can watch whatever you want, even a horror film." Lauren didn't reply, staring at me impassively. "I mean, I'd have to move my stuff off of the couch-all of the blankets and stuff. Have you been sleeping in here? Have you been sleeping at all? Oh, my God, did I take all of the blankets? I'll bring you some. Or maybe we could go back to sleeping together in our bed-I've missed you and-"
"Camila, just stop. Stop." She whispered. "You're making this harder than it needs to be."
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do to get you to forgive me."
"You want forgiveness?" Her eyes locked with mine and I was captivated by the harsh emotion behind them. "I want trust."
"I trust you!" I yelled, frustrated.
Lauren took a deep breath before she spoke again. "Enough, Camila."
"So, what? Am I just supposed to wait around while you get more and more mad at me?"
She looked at me, frowning. "I'm not mad at you, Camila." The brunette paused for a moment, conflict obviously not something she dealt with well. "I'm hurt and I'm confused and disappointed... To know that that's the way you feel about me and about us... You called me a mistake, Camila. I told you that I was afraid of that." She swallowed hard, looking away from me. I noticed the tears forming in her emerald eyes. "I mean, if this is what a real relationship is like-if I feel like this all of the time-then you might've been right. I don't know if I can handle this." I could've sworn my heart broke. Lauren didn't cry often and to know that this was my fault was killing me. "God, I can't even look at you."
"I'm sorry." I murmured. "I don't know what else to do."
"Just close the door, Camila." She grimaced, burying her head in her palms.
So I did.
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We didn't talk after that. I'd lost count of how long it had been since we'd even glanced at each other. The girls stopped coming over, the tension between Lauren and I becoming unbearable to be around. The whole office was careful around us, scared they would set one of us over the edge. There was not a single person in there who would risk getting on Lauren's bad side which meant there was not a single person in there who was willing to talk to me about my problems. Everyone could tell something bad was happening between us.
I felt completely and utterly alone.
It had become routine. I'd wake up and she'd already be gone. I would eat alone, get dressed alone, and drive to work alone. When I got to work, I'd walk in alone, everyone's conversations stopping. It was like no one could even move if they were in the room with the two of us. Lauren and I sat across from each other like always, but she didn't talk to me. She didn't smile at me or tell me cute jokes or anything like she'd done before.
I guess it helped knowing that she hadn't officially broken up with me-she was still my girlfriend. She was just taking some 'time to think'. After all, to break up with me, she would have to speak to me, and I don't think she was up to that task. Plus, she did say she wasn't mad at me-just hurt. I don't know which one is worse.
Besides the fact that Lauren had stopped talking to me, there was something else that was slowly getting to me. There was a new temp in the office-some girl named Ashley-and she'd been eyeing my girlfriend ever since she had walked in.
It was nothing at first. She would every so often brush past her or send her a smile-friendly things. But as the days passed, they started talking. Brief, little conversations that made my Lauren smile. I didn't have any dirt on her, either, since Dinah was usually the one that supplied me with the information on the pasts of my coworkers. Ashley had been slowly embedding herself into my girlfriend's life and her intentions were obvious. Her staring was not subtle and she was always touching her whether it was on her shoulder or her arm or grabbing her hands in excitement. All I could do was watch. Lauren wasn't speaking to me and if I even mentioned that her being around Ashley made me uncomfortable-well, that wouldn't exactly go over well for me since this whole thing was because she thought I didn't trust her.
I had really fucked up-I mean, truly, this had to have been one of the worst times in my life. I wasn't used to life without Lauren and it scared me that it might become something I'd have to get used to.
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