One and Only

Part 21

One and Only - Chapter Twenty-one
Camila's POV
-
I looked at my watch again for what felt like the millionth time tonight: Lauren was running late. The watch was a gift from her, meant as sort of an apology for never being on time. How ironic.
I was about to call her when a woman around my age sat down in front of me, a smirk present on her perfectly sculpted face. She looked a tad bit familiar, but I couldn't exactly place her.
"You're dating Lauren Jauregui, right?"
"Oh," There it was. An ex. "Yes."
Her eyes swam with amusement as she rested her chin in her hand. "It won't last."
My eyes widened at her bluntness and I wondered if I had heard her wrong. "Excuse me?"
She didn't bother to repeat herself, instead looking me up and down. With a small shake of the head, she met my eyes once more. "What do you have that I don't?"
My confidence couldn't help but to take yet another huge blow. The girl was absolutely stunning, obviously, just like every other ex-girlfriend Lauren had. I didn't respond, awkwardly looking toward the door and praying Lauren would show up.
She took my loss for words as an invitation to speak again, "I hope you know I'm planning on getting her back."
I shot daggers at her, finding my voice. "She has a rule-no exes."
The girl smiled powerfully, as if she found me to be the most nonthreatening competition to ever exist. "I'm sure she had a rule for you, too-no roommates. And even if she doesn't want me, she'll want someone else-someone new. That's just who she is. Your time is running out, cupcake. I'm not the only girl fighting for her heart." The girl stood back up, bored with the conversation. She looked like a supermodel, and with Lauren's history, I wasn't ruling that option out. "I know she makes you feel special, like you're the one and only girl for her, but there's nothing special about you, roommate-she used to be late on all of our dates, too. Make sure to tell her Lea said hi when she gets here... if she gets here." The girl laughed, swinging her purse over her shoulder and walking off.
I felt a swirl of anger and insecurity flow through me and I realized just how much I hated those two feelings mixed together. How dare she come up and speak to me that way? But she was right. I did need to be worried. There were tons of hot girls gunning for mine and I was just some old friend. How long did I have before she realized what she was missing out on-before she got tired of being with the same average girl?
My head was buried into my hands when I heard her voice.
"Camz? Are you all right?"
"You're late." I muttered.
I heard her sigh, setting her bag down and taking a seat. "I know, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, okay?"
"Yeah." I looked up, feeling sick to my stomach from how nervous I was. Her concerned green eyes stared straight into mine, the soft light that was surrounding us bouncing off her irises and making me breathless.
"Are you sure you're all right, Camila?"
"I'm fine." I put my hands in my lap so she couldn't see me fiddling with them and looked around to make sure the girl wasn't still here.
"Expecting someone?" Lauren asked.
My eyes shot to hers, my throat dry. I couldn't tell her what had just happened-that would be so embarrassing. "N-no."
"Then what's wrong?"
"I told you, I'm fine." I looked to my side, almost certain that I had just seen her out of the corner of my eye.
"No, you're not."
Relief washed over me when I saw it wasn't her, but that was immediately replaced with jealously when I found that girl staring at Lauren like she was something on the menu. "Excuse me." The girl looked my way, then back at her food, a profuse blush on her face.
Lauren gaped, pulling on my hand to get my attention. "Okay, what the hell is going on?"
"Nothing. How did your meeting go?" I asked, trying to steer the conversation away from her worry.
She began talking as I returned to scanning the room. How many people stole peeks at my girl without me noticing? I couldn't even focus on what she was saying, my eyes trained on the man at the bar, the girl with her friends, the husband with his wife, the waiter-they were all staring at her. I grimaced, interrupting her. "I feel like we can't even go out to eat anywhere without, like, fifty people hungrily staring at you. They do know you're mine, right?" I spoke the last bit of that louder than necessary, hoping the people around us heard and took the hint.
Lauren rolled her eyes, finally understanding what was wrong. "How are they supposed to know I'm yours if all you do is pay attention to them instead of me?"
"I'm paying attention."
She scoffed. "Oh, really? What was the last thing I said?"
I glared at the man at the bar. He couldn't keep his eyes off of her. "Can I help you?" He quickly looked away, only to glance at us once more. I kept my eyes locked on him until he finally averted his gaze.
"Camila!" Lauren stressed, a hint of annoyance in her tone.
"What?"
"This is unbelievable. Are you being serious right now?"
"I'm just making sure no one has the chance to sweep you off your feet."
"Well, you don't need to make sure. If you trusted me, this wouldn't be a problem."
I glowered at her, offended she brought that up. If she wanted to talk about this now, then it was on. "It's not about trust, Lauren. It's about me knowing that you've already been with so many girls who are better than me: prettier, hotter, better bodies. I've seen those girls, Lauren. They would take you back in a second-you could leave me at any moment with one of them... They have come and gone out of your bedroom so easily. Knowing that they're better than me but only lasted that little is scary."
Lauren took what I said in, clearly displeased. "I've seen those girls, Camila, and you know nothing about them other than their appearance. Do you really think I'm that shallow? That appearances are the only thing that matters to me? Do you think I listen time and time again to people's problems just to get into their pants? Is that all I am to you? A slut?" She shook her head, closing her eyes for a second to calm herself down. "Those girls have come and gone out of 'my bedroom' for their own different reasons."
"And I haven't!" I stated, truly unable to understand why. "I've stayed!" She shrugged in response. "Why? Why keep me when there's so many others?"
"Because I care about you!" She stood up, getting the attention of the people around us in the restaurant. "And because I have feelings for you! There has been no one better than you, Camila. No one before you that I've really felt something for. So don't sit here and tell me that you're scared I'm going back to some past girl who you think is better. You've surpassed them all. I feel something for you, and it's the first time I've ever felt like this for anyone. Can you say the same?" I gulped, unable to speak. "You can't! You were fucking engaged. So I slept with a couple of people-I didn't ever like them enough to marry them. I like you and that should be all that matters, but it's not. You don't make it about that anymore. You make it about jealously and distrust and what kind of relationship is that?" She gave me one last look before she stormed out, leaving me alone at the table. Embarrassed at the amount of people staring at me, I walked to the bathroom to recollect myself. I almost felt like I couldn't breathe, like there wasn't enough air. Was that a fight? I didn't know-she didn't raise her voice at me, so technically, it wasn't. Technically, I could go home and cuddle up with her and forget this happened. Right?
Right?
I huffed, staring at myself in the mirror. What the fuck was I thinking? I knew how touchy Lauren got when she felt like I didn't trust her. But I couldn't help myself, honestly. I just could not believe I was still dating her. This wasn't a dream-my girlfriend was Lauren Jauregui. I couldn't bring myself to accept that, to accept that I was enough for her.
I splashed some water on my face, trying to rid myself of the ever-so-present uncertainties of what events were waiting for me when I got home. Fuck it, I thought. It's now or never.
-
When I closed the floor door to my loft, I leaned against it, preparing myself to deal with whatever mood she was in. I knew she never really got too angry at me, so that made me feel better, but I didn't know what I was going to do if she was too upset to talk like last time.
I walked over to her study and leaned against the doorframe-it didn't feel right to walk in and intrude. She was writing, like always, refusing to look up and acknowledge my presence. "I'm sorry," I sighed, "Please don't be mad."
"I'm not mad at you." She muttered, her eyes fixed on the journal in front of her.
"You're mad about something." Lauren remained silent and I shifted, uncomfortable. "Lauren..."
Her emerald eyes met mine, a flicker of resentment in them. "What do you want me to say, Camila? That I'm upset over how dinner went? I'm not mad about that."
"Then what are you mad about?"
"I'm mad at myself."
I paused, puzzled. "Why?"
"I'm mad that I let this happen. I let us happen."
And there it was-that familiar pang of hurt in my chest. "You said you didn't regret it."
Lauren didn't bother to respond to that comment, instead setting her pen down to fully pay attention to me. "Look at us, Camila. Don't you remember what we used to be like? When we could go through one day without arguing over something? We aren't like that anymore. We're all... washed up."
"What the hell does that mean?" I felt my sadness being replaced with fury. Washed up?
"We are ruining our relationship." She said, simply. "Not only that, we're ruining our friendship. Tell me, Camila, how much more of this constant cloud over your head can you take? Because it's really starting to get to me. Don't you feel it? Every time we're together there's like this inevitable feeling of worry and panic that flow over me. I worry about our future-do we have one? I always thought we would, but now I'm not so sure." I listened to her ramble on, as if she'd been holding this in for weeks. "I panic over losing you-will we still be together in another year, or month, or week? And God, I don't even know how to fix this. I don't know what I can do."
"Maybe if you told me how you felt, we wouldn't have so many issues!" I replied, outraged.
"I'm trying. I'm not like you, Camila. I don't have everything figured out. I never had a plan for my life."
"Oh, and I'm so sorry that I came in and ruined that for you. I'm so sorry I made you think about your future."
Lauren paused and I could see she was trying her best not to upset me. Too late. "At least you have people to talk to when you're lost or confused. I don't have that-I can't just call up my mom or my dad or my sister for help. I had you. We shouldn't have done this-I knew it was a bad idea."
"Lauren, you still have me! I'm still here for you."
She frowned, looking at me like I was some fragile being she couldn't bear to break again. "It doesn't work if you're my problem."
I felt it-all of the air being sucked out of me. "Is that what I am?" I asked, "A problem?"
"No, I didn't mean-" The flustered brunette sighed, "I'm just saying I can't figure anything out with you. Not anymore, anyway."
The first set of tears began to form at the rim of my eyes, threatening to fall if this went any further. "So, what? What am I expected to do while I wait for you to figure it out?" I was so mad-so offended. She treated me like I was a burden, like I had just gone in and messed up her whole life.
"I don't know, but maybe... maybe we should stop this. This whole... thing is really getting to you and I know you've always had issues with self-confidence but it's never been this bad." She was speaking so fast I could barely understand her. "You don't think I will be faithful to you or stay with you and that's wrong. I don't want to be the cause for that. I won't allow you to stay in a relationship with me if that's how you feel."
"Oh, don't turn this around on me!" I yelled. "This is about you! You're scared of commitment!"
I could see that struck a nerve, anger flaring up in her that she was trying so hard to bury. "Don't start." She gritted through her teeth.
"We've already started! Admit it, Lauren. You are such a coward, you can't even stay with someone for more than a couple of months."
She stood up, fuming. "I STAYED WITH YOU!" She screamed. My heart stopped, my eyes widened-she never yelled at me. "For seven years I've been with you! You're the only person I've ever cared about, Camila, and you're going to stand here and tell me I'm ending this because I'm some slut that can't be in a relationship with someone without wanting to fuck other people? I've given you no reason to believe that and yet you still do! You think I'm some cheater, like I'm going to leave you, because that's just the selfish, slutty person you've made me out to be. I'm afraid of commitment? Take a look at yourself!" I stared at her in absolute shock. This girl-this girl who's never raised her voice at me once in the whole time I've known her-is now screaming at me. "I'm ending this because I cannot take what we've turned into! I want you to be able to trust again, Camila-I will not be the cause of your inner turmoil, and you will not be the cause of mine."
I shook my head, finding the strength in me to speak. "You can't do this."
"And why not?"
I met her eyes, a pleading look on my face. "You know why."
"I'm doing this for our sake." She said, slightly quieter.
"Don't I get a say in this?"
Lauren glared at me, "I think you've said enough."
I remained in the doorway, staring at her in disbelief. This didn't... That wasn't... We weren't...
We weren't over, were we? No. No. That was too fast-that wasn't long enough. I didn't have her for enough time. We were just together. Ten minutes ago, she was mine. Now what? It was done, just like that? I wanted to scream-I wanted her to know she couldn't just end this. She couldn't hurt me like this.
But as I stared back at her, I noticed I wasn't the only one hurting. I couldn't speak. I couldn't put us through more pain tonight. So I stayed silent. I didn't say a word. I just left her alone, praying to God this would all be fixed in the morning.
How naïve was I?
-