One and Only

Part 17

One and Only - Chapter Seventeen
Lauren's POV
-
It was when my phone buzzed that I realized what time it was. I gaped, no doubt knowing that I'd have to get dressed alongside Camila today. I was usually out of the loft before she even woke up.
I disregarded the text from Mark as I walked to my bedroom, noting Camila's absence. Quickly, I got dressed-showering, drying my hair, applying make-up, and finally putting on a fairly tight, black dress that ended just before my knees. I noticed just how quiet it was when I walked into the living room to see Camila asleep on the couch.
Even though she was sleeping, she looked exhausted. I had barely looked at her in almost two weeks and to see her now, like this-it was upsetting. I cared about this girl, I really cared about her. Not hearing her voice or her laugh was killing me-not seeing her smile or feeling her arms around me, it was all becoming too much. But every time I was near her, all I thought about was the way she screamed at me. There was nothing but absolute anger in her voice and when people are angry, they tell the truth. It seemed like I wasn't the only one hiding how I felt. I had deep feelings for her and she thought I was a mistake.
I sighed, walking over to her. If she didn't wake up soon, she'd be late. I folded my legs underneath me, sitting on the floor next to her. The dark circles under her eyes were evident and it looked like she'd lost weight. I grimaced, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear before I tapped on her shoulder. "Camila?" She stirred, her eyes opening to blink up at me. She looked confused. I waited until she was completely awake before speaking again. "Why are you sleeping on the couch?"
Camila frowned at me. "Because I can't sleep in our bed without you. It feels empty. At least with sleeping on the couch, I can pretend that the only reason you aren't next to me is because there's no room." She paused, thinking something over in her mind. "But even then it doesn't work, because we used to fall asleep on the couch together all of the time." She shrugged at little, staring at me. "I'm just trying to adjust to a life with less of you... but it's not working." Her hand grasped mine and I immediately tensed. "I really love-" She stopped herself, her voice cracking at what she was about to say. Camila shook her head as if trying to dismiss her thoughts. "I really need you in my life, Lauren." She began to cry, getting up off the couch and locking herself in the bathroom.
I rubbed at my temples, suddenly overcome with a headache. Knowing I wasn't going to resolve this in the next ten minutes, I got to my feet, beginning my short walk to work.
She was going to say she really loved me, but that was different from being in love with me, right? I mean, before we started dating, she said she loved me all the time. I dismissed the thought as fast as I could. No, I couldn't deal with that right now. One mishap at a time.
Watching her cry was one of the worst things in the world to me. It made me want to forget about everything and show her just how much I needed her in my life. I huffed, remembering that that was exactly what I had planned to do before she blew up on me like that. I thought that with a couple of days the sting of the truth would fade but honestly, it still hurt as much as the moment she said it.
But I missed her. I missed touching her and kissing her and sleeping next to her. I missed the way she crawled up into my lap and I missed talking to her. I missed holding her hand and looking at her-the way she was always near me whether we were sitting across from each other at work or eating together or watching some stupid movie with one another. I missed all of it. I missed her.
This whole thing was fucked up. I hadn't seen my girlfriend smile in God knows how long. I hadn't heard her laugh or felt her lips. I didn't know what to do.
Mark kept asking me what was wrong but I never told him. I couldn't say it. I didn't want to make it feel more real. I didn't want to say, "Things might end between Camila and I." out loud. I just wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to lose her. But was she ready to lose me?
"This is a huge mistake." The words were fresh in my mind despite the many days that had passed since they'd last been said. I didn't want her to regret this. I didn't want her to regret being with me. I would've never started a relationship with her if I knew that was how she felt-but I did. We're together and she's my girlfriend and she made me feel like it was okay to have all of these feelings for her. She made me feel like all of those years of wanting her were okay and then she just threw it all back in my face. She had been the first girl to ever hurt me-to ever hurt Lauren Jauregui-and I knew that if I ended things with her I would never allow myself to get close to anyone ever again.
The ache in my chest was almost unbearable and I was up for anything that would help me forget about it. As I walked in the office, Ashley greeted me almost immediately. The new temp was funny and kind and, most of all, out of the loop on the office gossip. She talked to no one other than me and I was pretty sure she knew nothing about Camila and I, meaning no awkward silences and no intrusive questions. I knew she was kind of in to me but nobody else noticed, so I figured keeping her around wasn't a big deal as long as we remained friends. She was the only thing keeping me half-sane and I wasn't about to give that up.
We walked to my desk together and I listened as she babbled on about some argument she had with her landlord earlier this morning. She was making me laugh with all of the jokes she was cracking about the situation, her smooth dark-skinned legs crossed as she sat on the side of my desk. I wasn't going to lie-Ashley was very beautiful. She had short, curly black hair and these cute black-rimmed glasses that always sat on the bridge of her nose. But no matter the way she looked, I just wasn't attracted to anyone other than Camila anymore. My girlfriend was all I thought about. She was always in the back of my mind.
So, when Camila finally arrived to work and sat down across from me, I had to force myself to keep eye contact with Ashley. I needed a distraction.
"So, Lauren." Ashley grinned, switching her crossed legs. "I didn't know you had a history with Mark."
"Oh, um-well, not really. We've seen each other outside of work a couple of times. There's nothing there." I explained, hoping she'd change the subject.
"Do you usually see your coworkers outside of work?"
"Sometimes." I watched as Ashley smirked at me. I knew that look.
"Well, what are you doing tonight?" She asked. I shrugged in response. "Hopefully me."
I heard a small crack, looking over to see Camila glaring at Ashley, a pencil broken in her clenched hand. Well, there goes all chance of me ever being able to speak to her again. I returned my attention to the girl sitting on my desk. "I, um... I have a girlfriend."
She laughed. "Your girlfriend doesn't have to know."
My eyes widened in surprise. You've got to be kidding me. "Well, I would know and I don't cheat on people."
Ashley smiled at me, her teeth a perfect white. "I admire that, Jauregui." She slid off of my desk, turning to me. "If it doesn't work out with her, you can always call me." And like that, she was gone.
I didn't bother to make eye contact with Camila, knowing it'd only cause more trouble for us. I sighed. Goodbye, my sweet, sweet distraction. Ignoring these feelings was becoming extremely more difficult lately, especially as time passed on. I knew I'd have to talk to Camila eventually. I just didn't want it ending with her yelling at me again. I don't think we could survive another argument right now, no matter how calm I remained. I always liked to think I was in control of things. It wasn't until I started my relationship with Camila that I figured out I wasn't in control of anything.
-
The day had dragged along as usual, the same deafening silence throughout the office. That was until Ally, Normani, and Rachel came up to Camila's desk. I glanced up at them, catching Rachel's eye. She smiled at me just before I focused back on my work, uninterested in what they were here for.
"Hey, Mila. We're going out for dinner later and, you know, we've noticed you've looked really down this past week. Why don't you come with?" Normani asked.
I noticed Camila suddenly look at me from the corner of my eye, but I remained impassive.
"Yeah, Camila. Let's go do something fun." Ally smiled.
I heard Camila sigh before she answered them. "N-no thanks. I'd rather stay at home tonight."
The girls all turned to look at me.
"How about you, Lauren? We could all go out to eat and then you and I could hit up the club. You haven't partied in a while." Rachel smirked at me, leaning over my desk. I just shook my head no, giving my best apologetic look to Ally and Normani. The secretary stood back up, gesturing between Camila and I. "Is this still, like, going on?" She asked, obviously referring to our relationship. I decided not to answer, looking back at my work. "It looks like a no." She said, her tone of voice without a hint of sorrow.
Normani lightly scolded her. "Careful, Rachel, you don't want to sound overeager."
"Oh, but I am overeager." Rachel spoke sultrily. I knew Camila must've been fuming by now. "Well, if you ever want to party, you have my number." She sent a wink my way as she walked off with the girls. I glanced at Camila.
The brunette opened her mouth as if to say something but quickly shut it, getting up and walking away instead. I frowned. This wasn't going to get better soon unless I did something about it. I couldn't just keep ignoring her like I had been.
"Ms. Jauregui," Mr. Clarke said. I noticed he was standing beside my desk. "We have an important client coming in sometime tomorrow and I'd like you to sit in on the meeting. So, I need you to make copies of these-" He handed me a stack of papers. "and have them on my desk as soon as possible. Oh, and make sure to keep one for yourself." He sent me a small smile just before he retreated back to his office.
I got up immediately, the presence of a new distraction making itself known. Clutching the papers, I walked down the hallway which contained the break room and multiple conference rooms. Passing by one in particular, I stopped in my tracks. I heard the soft murmur of another person's voice in the conference room to my left, pressing my ear to the closed door.
"Mom, I just don't know what else to do. It's not like I planned for all of this to happen. I thought I was going to marry Adam and live happily ever after-that's what I thought I wanted my whole life." She stopped to take a breath. It was obvious she was crying pretty hard. I closed my eyes at the realization. "But now all I want is her. Everyone keeps telling me, 'Oh, she'll screw this up. She'll ruin it.' but that's me. I'm the one so far who has been ruining everything. I was horrible to her, Mom. The things I said... I'm destroying the only relationship I've ever been comfortable in, all because I'm so opposed to taking things slow." She paused and I figured Sinu was on the other line trying to calm her down. Camila took a large intake of breath before she replied. "I'm scared because she never takes things slow with other girls. What if she doesn't want me?" She sighed, her voice less shaky. "I have to go. Bye. Love you, too."
I held the papers closer to my chest, panicking. I began to run down the hallway, running into Normani in the process. "Sorry!"
"What were you doing?" She crossed her arms.
"Nothing." I replied.
Normani arched an eyebrow at me. "What's going on between you and Camila?"
"What? Nothing."
She scoffed. "Nothing's going on?"
"Nope."
"You're fighting."
"No." I shook my head. "I don't do 'fighting'."
"Are you two... you know... going to break up?" She asked, awkwardly shifting her weight. I could tell she felt uncomfortable asking.
"I don't-" I shrugged. "I don't know." She frowned at me and I huffed at her persistence. "Look, she freaked out on me a week or two ago and said some hurtful things... I'm not exactly sure where we stand right now."
Normani nodded. "When's the last time you had sex?"
I flushed, my eyes widening. "Normani..."
"You've never been uncomfortable talking about sex before. Oh, this is bad. How long?"
"We had sex once." I mumbled.
"Once?" She screamed. I shushed her, annoyed that she was getting all of this information out of me. "Was it bad?"
"No! God, what is with people asking that?"
"So, if it wasn't bad, what's the issue?"
I grimaced. "Normani, let's talk for a second. Really talk, no sugar coating." She waited for me to continue. "We all know I'm not the best person for her."
"I don't know that."
"Mani, you said it yourself. I'm Lauren Jauregui-I'm a heartbreaker. I'm not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. Everyone knows these things."
"It's different with Camila." She said and I shook my head. "It is!" She exclaimed. "It's different!"
"Why?"
"Oh, don't act like you don't feel it. Hell, I can feel it between you two. It's unreal-that electricity between you. You care about her and believe me, she cares about you, too. Probably more than you know." I swallowed hard as she continued. "It's unlike anything I've ever seen, Lauren. That girl's in love with you."
I looked at Normani, speechless, before I walked past her to the copy room. I couldn't think about that right now. I just needed to focus on what I was going to do about Camila. I didn't need more things to complicate the situation.
I walked directly to Mr. Clarke's office with the copies in hand, giving a shy smile to Adriana.
"Ms. Jauregui," He greeted. "Please have a seat." I obeyed his request, interested in what he was keeping me for. "So, with this meeting-not only is there going to be the important client, but a lot of upper management will be there. They've asked me to pick an employee to attend and, as you know, I've chosen you. Now, what this means is you're going to be watched a lot more-not only by me but by my superiors just to see how well you fit." I had to force myself to keep my mouth closed. This was a huge opportunity. "You're good at your job, Lauren. There's no denying that. This is to see how far you can go. In my opinion, you'll go pretty damn far." He grinned at me. "You're free to go now. I'll contact you soon with official details."
I got up, shaking his hand. "Thank you, Mr. Clarke." I couldn't keep the excitement out of my voice. He congratulated me before I walked out, a smile plastered on my face. I immediately walked over to Mark, pulling him out of his seat. He wiggled his eyebrows at his stupid friends as I dragged him away. I rolled my eyes. We really needed to talk about this act.
Once I led him into the hallway where no one in the main office area could see us, I told him the news.
"Lauren!" He gaped, picking me up and spinning me around. I laughed and he set me down. "Holy shit, that's great!"
"It's just a meeting right now but he said that the senior level is watching my job performance and considering me and-" I sighed happily, exhausted from all of the joy. "I just had to tell someone."
"I'm happy for you. You deserve some good in your life right now." He nudged me on the shoulder. "You know what would make this day even better?"
"What?"
"If you make up with Camila."
I glared at him. "What are you talking about?"
"C'mon, Lo. This isn't fair to her or you. Whatever you're doing-this whole 'not talking' thing... It's not working out for either of you. Plus, you're all anyone ever talks about anymore and I miss being the center of attention." I couldn't resist a giggle at him trying to make light of the situation. He gave me a charming smile before he took on a more serious expression. "But seriously, Lo-she's your best friend. She always has been. Don't let this relationship ruin that. You can't keep stringing her along, you know? You've got to make a decision: you're either going to stay together or break up with her." I gulped, the words hitting me hard. "Anyway, I have to get back to work. Congratulations on the news, again, babe."
He squeezed my hand reassuringly before he walked back into the main office area, popping his collar and winking at the men who were obviously asking if he and I had a quickie just then. It suddenly made me remember why I preferred girls.
As I returned to my seat, I was met with judgmental stares. They usually didn't bother me, but it was especially annoying now since everyone in the office (except the temp) knew I was with Camila. Did everyone think of me as a cheater? I'd never cheated on anyone, in any relationship, unless you counted my first one with the married man. But I was fifteen then and it wasn't even my marriage. I'd never thought of myself as the girl who would fuck someone else while her girlfriend was just twenty feet away, but apparently that was my reputation.
Right as I sat down at my desk, some girl came to stand beside me, her arms folded in disapproval. I'd seen her around the office maybe once or twice before. I noticed Camila look up at her from the corner of my eye.
"Um, can I help you?" I asked.
"I just think it's disgusting what you do." She arched an eyebrow, waiting for me to respond.
I shrugged, leaning back in my chair. "I don't know what you're referring to."
"I'm referring to cheating on your girlfriend right in front of her eyes-in front of everyone's eyes!" She shook her head, obviously frustrated. "We've all watched you deflower the office but this is crossing the line." The nameless coworker of mine looked to Camila. "I'm on your side, Camila. I don't care that everyone else is afraid to stand up to Lauren. You don't deserve that."
"That's really none of your business-" I began.
She interrupted. "Camila needs a decent person to lean on. It's obvious you can't be that for her, whore."
My girlfriend immediately stood up, facing the red-haired coworker. "Actually, it isn't your business. And I don't need anyone but Lauren 'on my side'. She wouldn't ever cheat on me, especially not with Mark. It's obvious you don't know a thing about her. Why don't you get your facts straight before you start prancing around calling yourself a decent person?" The girl scoffed, turning away, before Camila grabbed her wrist, pulling her close. "By the way, if you ever call her another name like that again, I'll make sure you regret it." The girl struggled to get out of Camila's grasp and, after a beat, the brunette let her go.
I gaped. Never in my life had I seen Camila act like that to anyone. Once the coworker was out of sight, she plopped down in her seat, exhausted from the exchange. She rested her forehead in the palms of her hands, rubbing at her temples before she eventually looked up at me. To her surprise, I didn't look away.
Camila blushed, her gaze dropping to my lips. She looked so tired and I frowned at the sight. Mark was right. I couldn't keep stringing her along like this. I needed to make my mind up. Were we going to get past this or not?
I knew I'd be nothing without her. She was my life and I wanted to be hers. There was nothing for me without Camila. She was my reason for everything. She was the reason I couldn't sleep and the reason I could sleep. She was the reason I woke up in the mornings and the reason I even bothered crawling into bed at night. She was my start and my finish. I needed her. It was as simple as that. Life without Camila wasn't a life at all.
I'd be a fool to realize she didn't feel the same way. It was in the way she talked to her mom earlier and in the way she stood up for me. It was in the way those three little words were always lingering on the tip of her tongue and it was in the way she looked at me, like I was the most important person in the world.
And I liked her. I really, really liked her. I had always liked her and now she was mine. She was willing to give herself every part of me and I had pushed her away. This wasn't about her regretting our relationship or not trusting me-it was about why she said those things and why she felt that way. It was about me and how I had already turned her away countless times with no reason. What was I supposed to expect her to do? She thought she wasn't enough for me and it was my fault because I hadn't been showing her just how much she meant to me.
I realized we had been staring at each other this whole time when she bit her lip, opening her mouth to speak. "You look tired."
A small chuckle escaped my lips. "Thanks."
"No-I didn't... I didn't mean it in a bad way." She sighed, flustered.
"No, it's okay. I am tired."
"Of what?" Her voice was small, almost scared.
I met our eyes, trying to come up with an answer. "This. Us."
"You're tired of us?"
"Recently, yeah." I admitted.
"What does that mean?" She asked and I shrugged in response. Her brown eyes narrowed at me, mimicking my shrug.
"I don't know, Camila. I don't have all of the answers." As we stared at each other, I noticed other coworkers of ours leaving. The work day was over.
"Well, I'm not tired of us-just in case you were wondering." She said, annoyed. Camila started to gather her things, her eyes leaving mine to focus on packing up. "I don't know if I completely ruined us, but all I want is to know how to fix it." She got to her feet, our eyes locking once again. "I miss you and I know you miss me." It was my turn to look away, overwhelmed with the conversation. She slung her purse over her shoulder, "I'm going home-to our home." And home she went.
I huffed, squeezing my eyes shut. Conflict was something Camila and I didn't know well and it was definitely showing. We barely had any problems before we started dating and now it felt like there was always something wrong. I just wanted everything to be back to normal. I wanted to be able to be with her without anything holding me back. I was done being scared. I was done being tired.
-
Entering the loft, I felt different. I wasn't ready to let whatever I had with Camila go. I set my stuff down by the door, glancing over at the kitchen where Camila was attempting to cook dinner. She looked so focused, chopping up all of the vegetables on the cutting board.
Her hair was up in a messy bun and she'd already changed into her pajamas-one of my old t-shirts from college and just her underwear. I couldn't resist as I walked up behind her, my arms wrapping around her petite waist. She leaned back into me, closing her eyes, her skin smooth as I slipped my hands under her shirt. I started to kiss her neck, the familiar scent of her making its way through my senses. "I miss you." I murmured. I felt her nod, my hands traveling farther to find out she wasn't wearing a bra. I held back a moan, my lips moving to her shoulder. "I want you."
Camila tensed. "Right now? Here? Are you sure-" She stopped talking, her voice replaced by a throaty moan as my fingers came in contact with her center, rubbing circles against her bundle of nerves.
"Bend over." I growled into her ear, suddenly overcome with my need. She obliged, leaning over and resting her cheek on the counter. Her delicate hands were grasping for anything on the smooth surface and I moved my free hand out from under her shirt to hold one of them, her grip tightening just as I sunk two fingers into her core.
I increased my pace at the sound of my name coming from her lips, her loud and erratic breathing filling the air around us. Seeing her like this drove me crazy-the way her hair fell in front of her face, how she was so desperate to feel me, her hips meeting my thrusts in perfect sync. I knew she was about to come when I felt her walls tightening around me, but I wanted her longer.
I slipped my fingers out of her, relishing in the way she whimpered at the lost contact, and pulled her close to me, spinning her around so that we were face to face. Her cheeks were flushed as I stared at her, taking in her mesmerizing features. My lips pressed to hers gently, slowing down to relearn the way they felt against mine. Camila relaxed into the kiss, her arms wrapping around my neck as mine wrapped once again around her waist.
This was what I missed the most-kissing her like this. Holding her and knowing she was mine. I hadn't touched her like this in what felt like forever and I was having a hard time believing that I went all those years hiding my feelings for her.
Her warm tongue slipped into my mouth just before she unzipped my black dress with ease, sliding it down my body and taking my panties off in the process until they were around my ankles. I stepped out of them, kicking them to the side, and tightened my grip on her waist. I lifted her up onto the counter and stood in between her legs, her hands knotting in my hair as I yanked her panties down her legs. I pulled her to me, groaning at the feeling of her heat on my stomach.
We separated our mouths so that I could take off her t-shirt, her bare and beautiful body sitting right before my eyes. I began to kiss her neck, slowly moving down her body. I grazed over her jaw, her breasts, and her toned stomach until I finally reached the insides of her thighs. I could see the evidence of her arousal sticking to them like glue. I planted small kisses up her thigh, stopping at her center. My mouth watered at the sight, quickly moving to attach itself to her wet heat. Camila let out a breathy moan at the new sensation, her hands in search for mine. She squeezed them as my tongue worked on her, flicking and sucking and running up and down and side to side. It didn't take long for her to unravel, still on edge from before, and the build-up seemed to pay off as she came harder than the first time we were together.
She fell back onto the counter, her chest heaving, and suddenly she was tugging at my hands, pulling me up on top of her. I held back a smirk. The amount of times we'd had breakfast over this counter-and now we were having make-up sex on it. It was amusing.
My half smile disappeared, though, when Camila connected our lips in a heated kiss, her hands making quick work of my bra. Once she tossed it to the side, her mouth covered my nipple. My chest arched toward her, my breathing short and fast. Soon her hand was trailing down in between us, her lips moving to my ear.
"I've wanted to touch you for so long." She whispered, sinking two fingers inside of me. I moaned loudly at the feeling, the fact that it was Camila making it so much more intense. I felt her lips on mine once again, this time with an urgency I couldn't quite place. Then the words flashed through my mind-"I would pay attention to you."-from when we first met. It felt like she was trying to prove something, that she could take care of me. I broke the kiss to drop my head on her shoulder. Whatever she was trying to prove was working. Her pace was unrelenting and I found it hard to believe she'd never done this before. This was the first time she had tried to pleasure me on her own and it was like she knew my body better than I did. I knew I was close when she added a third finger, my teeth biting down on her shoulder to hold back a scream. It was only a matter of time. She was hitting that spot over and over and I swear to God I saw stars.
I felt it building up in me until I couldn't take it anymore, a silent scream escaping my lips. After I caught my breath, I rolled off of Camila, her hand immediately grasping mine.
We laid like that for a while, her thumb absentmindedly stroking the back of my hand. I turned to face her, letting out a laugh at her disheveled appearance.
"What?" She asked.
"I can't believe we just had sex on our kitchen counter."
She smiled at me, wiggling her eyebrows. It soon faded as she appeared to be thinking about something else. "Lauren," she frowned, "I'm so sorry."
"I know." I squeezed her hand, looking up at the ceiling. I didn't want to discuss this.
Camila turned on her side, inching closer to me. "You aren't a mistake and-"
"Camila, I know." I said, effectively cutting her off. I didn't want her apology. I'd punished her enough already. Still, she remained silent, obviously overthinking the guilt in her head. I decided that this was it. I couldn't wait any longer, not when she had revealed such distrust in me before. And before I could stop myself, I spoke. "It's different with you." My mind wandered back to what Normani had said earlier today. I sighed, meeting her eyes once again. "It's always been different with you."
"Different? Is that good or bad?" She whispered.
"I don't know." I shrugged. "I guess we'll find out. I'm just so tired of it."
"Of us?"
"I'm tired of running from the way you make me feel. It's exhausting."
Camila nodded, the light filling up her brown eyes, and I smiled to reassure her that I was okay, pulling her close to me. She rested her head on my chest, her fingers tracing patterns on my stomach.
"Then stop running." Her voice was quiet-almost inaudible. I planted a swift kiss on the top of her head in response. Stop running? I could do that.
-