One and Only

Part 39

One and Only - Chapter Thirty-nine
Camila's POV
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"You came," Normani said, surprised.
I furrowed my eyebrows at the hostess of the baby shower. "Of course we came. We were invited, right?"
"Yeah, I just...," she looked over at Lauren who was visiting with Ally, "I didn't know if you guys were coming since she... you know,"
"You can say it," I told her. "She doesn't want kids. It's okay to say out loud." The dark-haired girl remained silent. "Oh, my God, I should have never told you."
"Oh, come on, Mila-"
"Just say it. It makes it worse when you don't."
Normani hesitated before she carefully said, "She never wants to have a baby."
"Right." I forced a smile. "We talked about it and I'm okay with giving that part of my life up." Her eyes gave me an unsure look, but she didn't respond before I heard Ally clap her hands to get everyone's attention.
She began explaining the next game we were supposed to play and Normani's eyes lit up in excitement. I pushed down the voice that told me I'd never have that feeling.
But Lauren was more important. Being with Lauren was more important.
I watched as she awkwardly stood around the ecstatic guests, looking a bit out of place. Her hand reached for a cupcake before she realized they were decorated to resemble baby faces. I saw her step away from the food, her eyes finding mine.
The slightly older girl walked toward me. "You aren't going to participate?" she asked, gesturing toward the game the guests were playing.
"No," I replied. We were the only two people standing in the back-the odd couple out.
"Why not? You love baby showers."
I shrugged, even though we both knew the answer. "I guess I'm just a little tired tonight."
Lauren nodded and we stared straight ahead, silence overcoming us. A couple of minutes passed before she said, "I wonder if my mom had one of these." I looked at her, but her gaze remained fixed forward. "I wonder if she acted the way Mani is. I wonder if she glowed like that."
"I bet she did-"
"I wonder," she interrupted, "if she went through all of this fuss knowing she would eventually leave." My hand found hers and it seemed as if Lauren snapped out of a trance. She turned to me, a small laugh escaping her lips, and I knew Vulnerable Lauren was gone. "Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. I shouldn't even be talking about that here."
"Don't apologize," I quickly said. It was rare to see Lauren upset, but this side of her always came out around the subject of kids. I guess it always brought up painful memories about her mom and lack of childhood.
"I love Mani, but... we should've stayed home."
I sighed, nodding, "Coming to this wasn't our best idea...."
"Mila!" I heard Ally squeal, looking over to where she was. Her hand waved me over, "I need a partner."
I held back a groan and glanced at Lauren who smiled. "Go," she nudged me forward.
The mother of two was enthusiastic as the rules of the new game were being explained to us. I'd played this many times before, but it just wasn't as fun anymore. Knowing I'd never get to throw a baby shower of my own was kind of throwing me off.
After I practically caused our loss, I rushed back to my girlfriend, nauseous as I thought about my empty future. She didn't want kids and she didn't want to get married. And I was trying to be okay with that.
I had to be okay with that.
-
My favorite thing in the world was holding Lauren's hand and showing off that she was mine. So, even though we had just gotten back from a baby shower for Normani (where we spent the whole time awkwardly avoiding baby talk), I was happy to be with her.
It had been almost two months since I moved back in with her and, although we still had a few problems, we were happy. Being able to talk to one another about stuff was amazing and no one ever went to bed angry anymore. She was the best thing to ever happen to me-and I loved her more than life itself.
"Sorry about tonight," she said abruptly.
I looked to my side, raising my eyebrows in confusion. "What are you sorry for?"
"I know it was weird for us and I know it must have been upsetting to you-"
"Lauren," I stopped, bringing us to a halt on the mostly vacant street. My attention was brought to a dark figure behind us, but they slipped into a building before I could get a good look at them. I decided to ignore it, returning my attention back to my girlfriend. "Look, we talked about this. You don't have to keep apologizing for not wanting the same things that I want. I know that with your past-with your mom leaving and your dad having to raise you alone... I know it's something you struggle with."
"I know that you understand it now, but what about the future? Are you still going to be okay with just having me? You've always wanted a family, Camila. I can't even think about being the person to take that away from you."
"Stop," I frowned. "Ten, twenty, thirty, forty years down the line I'm still going to be okay with just having you. But I won't lie to you: I have always wanted children. But stuff happens in life that you just have to adapt to, okay? You adapted to not having a mom, I'm adapting to not being a mom. That's just how life works out sometimes." Lauren didn't seem convinced so I kissed her on the cheek, moving to whisper in her ear, "Stop worrying so much. That's my job." We shared a small chuckle and I pulled back, seeing the same dark figure from before.
Lauren must have noticed an uneasy expression on my face because she asked, "What's wrong?"
"I think someone's following us."
The raven-haired girl turned around to see the person turn into an alley. "Camila, stay close to me."
She didn't have to tell me twice.
Her hand gripped my waist and we increased the pace we were walking at, our hearts beating and blood pumping. Two young girls alone in New York City on some empty street at night... That story didn't usually end well.
I took a small peek to see if someone was still behind us and my eyes widened when I saw them matching our pace. "Lauren, they're definitely following us."
She took my hand and we started to run, our heels slamming against the concrete sidewalk in a frenzy. I'd never been so scared in my life. We could hear the quick footsteps trailing just behind us and Lauren huffed before she stopped running, turning around to face the person hiding in the dim lighting. "What do you want?"
The figure slowly approached Lauren and, despite how afraid I was, I moved to stand a little in front of her. If anyone was getting stabbed tonight, it was not going to be her.
We had to hide our surprise when we realized it was an older woman. She had brown hair and was dressed in a large, but stylish, black trench coat. She looked to be in her early fifties.
"Lauren?" She said, a couple of feet away from us. "Lauren Jauregui?"
I gave the girl next to me an astonished look, wondering what the hell was going on. "Yes," she answered, "do I know you?"
"It's me," the woman took a step closer, a nervous smile on her face, "Clara-your mother."
It was as if the whole world stopped.
I heard a small gasp from Lauren at the same time my fist collided with 'Clara's' face.
-
We sat in silence.
Lauren was seated in the chair opposite of the couch and I stood behind her, a reassuring hand on her shoulder, as we both looked at the woman alone in the middle of our sofa.
Clara had an ice pack on her lip, her manicured nails pressing it harder to numb the pain. I felt no sympathy watching her wince.
She was first to break the still air. "I guess I don't have to worry about you walking on the streets of New York City with a friend who can punch like that."
"Girlfriend," Lauren corrected stiffly. "Camila is my girlfriend."
The older woman set the ice pack down on the table in front of her, her lip busted. "You have a lovely place."
"What are you doing here?" She asked, a grimace on her face. "Why are you here?"
Her mother sighed, shrugging the way Lauren does, "I was curious."
"You were curious? You came to fuck up my evening because you were curious?"
Clara tutted, "Don't use that language with me."
I had to bite my tongue. I had a few choice words in that language for her myself.
But Lauren just gave a bitter laugh. "You don't get to tell me what to do."
Clara gave me a look, signaling she wanted to be alone with her daughter, and as much as I despised the woman, I agreed they should have some time alone. I glared at the absent mother before I walked out of the living room. Of course, I didn't really leave them alone-I was too nosy for that-I hid behind the wall, listening to their conversation.
"Your girlfriend doesn't seem to like me very much."
"Why should she?" I heard Lauren shift in her seat. "She blames you for a lot of things wrong with me. I blame you, too."
Clara hummed, "Having troubles in the relationship?"
"What do you know about relationships?" she replied, a sharp bite to her tone.
"More than you."
"You know, I don't think you're qualified to make that statement since you know nothing about me."
The ivory-skinned woman disregarded this, continuing, "What is it? Wants to move? Money troubles? Wants kids?" I cringed. "Is she not satisfied in the bedroom?"
Lauren practically snorted, "Oh, she's very satisfied. I've had quite the experience in that field. Actually, my first time was when I was fifteen. His name was James Hass and he wasn't some popular football player or some bad boy on a motorcycle-no, he was dad's business partner and he was married."
The woman paused before she asked, "Why are you telling me this?" I could hear the discomfort.
"Because I want you to know all of the horrible things I've done in my life because you weren't there for me. Do you understand that? Do you understand how hard it was growing up without a mom? It's affected my relationships, my friendships, my childhood... You weren't there for me." She cleared her throat, "You're here for me now, though, sitting on my couch. I would like to know why."
"I didn't exactly plan to reveal myself," she said softly. "I just wanted to see what you looked like, how you were doing. A mother needs to know these things-"
"You are not a mother," Lauren interrupted.
"Lauren, please-"
"No," she scoffed. "A mother doesn't leave their child at a daycare to watch as all the other mommies come to pick up their kid." My eyes widened in surprise. She never told me that before. "A mother doesn't pack up all of her shit out of nowhere to leave their family. Dad was never the same after that. You're the reason for... so many things wrong with me."
"You should be thanking me for leaving."
I took a deep breath. My hand was itching for another hit.
"Why is that?"
"I was never going to be the mother you deserved."
"So, what? That's supposed to excuse it?" There was a pause as Clara didn't answer. "The only mother figure I ever had growing up was dad's secretary and all she did was sit at her desk and cry about him. I still loved her more than I ever loved you. At least she stayed."
"That's absurd-"
"You're absurd. You think I should thank you for messing my life up? All you had to do was be there-as a mother and a wife. Just be there. And you couldn't even do that." I heard Lauren stand up.
"I'm sorry-"
"I think you should leave."
At that, I turned the corner and walked back into the living room, wrapping an arm around Lauren's waist. Clara gave me a forced smile. I didn't know if she realized the seriousness of this situation. I didn't know what she expected to get out of this.
We followed her to the door and she turned around to say one last thing: "I didn't want you." Lauren tensed, but her expression remained unfazed. "It wouldn't have been fair of me to stay. Your father wanted you. You and him had a real chance at being a family without me around. That's why I left." She frowned, "I know you don't believe this... but your life turned out better because I wasn't in it. Leaving you was the best decision I ever made."
"You missed out on someone really great," I said. "She's better than great, actually. She's perfect. And you missed out on her." I looked at the woman in front of me with pity. "You aren't some saint because you left. You're just a coward." Clara opened her mouth to reply, but closed it when I opened the door for her.
She gave her daughter one last look before she walked out of her life for the second time.
Lauren shut the door and we stared at it for a while before she turned to me, a small smile on her lips. "I can't believe you punched her in the face. That was awesome."
She pulled me closer to her and I was a little shocked that what just happened hadn't affected her more. "I'll punch anyone who hurts you in the face." I spoke softly, studying her. "I can't believe she showed up here."
"I know."
"Why didn't you tell me about how your mom left you?" Her eyes left mine and focused on the ground briefly.
"I did tell you," she mumbled.
"Not about leaving you at daycare."
Lauren shrugged, trying to come off as apathetic. "It's embarrassing. I just remember all of the other moms showing up-they were so happy to see their kids-and mine never came." My forehead wrinkled in sympathy and she shook her head. "Don't make that face."
"I hate her for doing that to you."
"I know," Lauren chuckled. "You busted her lip."
I didn't reply. If I were being honest, that punch was more for me than for Lauren. That lady had cost me children and I wanted her to pay.
But she had cost Lauren way more.
For a brief moment, I wondered if I should ask Lauren about it. I wanted to know how she really felt. There was no way she was perfectly fine after her mom showed up out of nowhere like that.
But that idea came and went quickly. She would talk to me when she was ready to. That was our whole part of "trying harder"-we had to communicate. So, I was expecting a heart to heart by the end of tonight. Anytime now.
-
She retreated to her study for most of the night, staying there until I called her to bed around midnight. She wasn't showing any signs of distress when I curled up next to her, a smile on her face every time I looked up at her.
We laid down, not a word being said, as she waited for me to fall asleep. But I couldn't. Not when I didn't know how she was really feeling.
I kept waiting and waiting and waiting for her to speak up about it, to tell me something-anything about the woman who was in front of us just a few hours ago, but she didn't say a word.
It was nearing one o'clock in the morning when my unsure voice filled the small space between us, "Lauren?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay?" I asked. The girl shifted back to meet my eyes with confusion painting her face. "Your mom..." I clarified.
Her expression turned solemn. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" I prodded, "Because she-"
"Camila, I'm fine," Lauren interjected. "She didn't want me and I already knew that."
I frowned, unsatisfied with the answer, "You don't have to act like everything's okay."
"I'm not acting."
I continued anyway, "I know you don't like talking about this stuff but sometimes it can help and-"
"Stop," her voice was soft.
"You don't always have to be the strong one." Lauren blinked, speechless. "I know you can take care of yourself, but I can take care of you, too-"
"I don't want you to!" She practically yelled, the exasperation getting the better of her. I heard her sigh when I looked away, a little hurt by the remark, and she spoke, "I'm sorry."
I shifted out of her arms, moving to lay on my back, and from the corner of my eye I could see her propping herself up on her elbow to watch me. My gaze remained fixed on the white ceiling above me. "I just wish you could talk to me about these things." I waited for a reply but she didn't give me one. So much for communication. "I think I'm going to sleep in the other room for tonight." A hand grasped my arm as I sat up and I turned my head to look down at her.
"Don't." It was more of a plea than a demand.
"I don't want to do this right now. I don't want to dance around what the real problem is so that we can have sex and pretend we're okay in the morning."
Lauren looked offended, "You aren't going anywhere unless it's with me."
"Last time I checked, you weren't my babysitter," I bit back.
"No, but I am your girlfriend and we don't sleep in separate beds anymore."
"I'll make an exception tonight."
"All of this because I didn't want to share my feelings?" she rolled her eyes, seemingly annoyed with the small fight. "I didn't push you to tell me about how you felt at the baby shower tonight."
"Yeah?" I clenched my jaw, "Well, maybe you should have."
She huffed as I stood up and headed for the bedroom door but, before I could reach it, she grabbed my arm and spun me around to face her. I felt a scream building up in my throat. "What does that mean?"
"Nothing," I replied, my tone sharp.
"Camila-"
"No. If you don't have to talk about what's upsetting you then neither do I."
"Fine," the raven-haired girl crossed her arms, "but you're sleeping in this bed tonight."
"No, I'm not," I scoffed.
"Yes, you are. We're together, we sleep together. Get in the bed."
Lauren remained firm even as I glared at her. Deciding it wasn't worth the extra fight, I went to lay back down, quietly fuming as she followed.
She looked over at me just as I put a pillow in between us, "Really?"
"Really." I growled, turning away from her.
Nobody said anything for a long time but I knew we were both just laying there awake. I hated it. I felt like we were taking a huge step backward. We were supposed to be doing better; we were supposed to be trying harder.
"Do you want to talk about the baby shower?" Lauren carefully asked.
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," I spat.
The older girl let out a sigh. "I can't sleep knowing you're mad at me."
"I'm not mad."
"Then what are you?"
"Disappointed."
"Why?"
I didn't respond and Lauren didn't push me to-typical. For a while, I was just going to leave the conversation alone. It was obvious that we were only going to say hurtful things and it would do more harm than good. But then my mouth got the better of me and before I knew it, I turned over to face her and emitted a frustrated groan, "We're supposed to be a team. We're supposed to take care of each other. But you just sit there and act like some nonchalant person who doesn't care about anything. Your mom, who you haven't seen in like, what, eighteen years, randomly showed up today and you expect me to just accept that you're fine and drop it?"
Her green eyes illuminated even in the darkness as she said the line I've heard so many times before, "I can take care of myself."
"You aren't single anymore! I am not some random girl you're going to string along for two weeks before you dump her. I'm your girlfriend, we live together, we share our lives together. Why don't you trust me to take care of you?"
"Because I don't need someone to take care of me."
"Everyone needs someone. You're my someone. Why aren't I yours?"
"Camila, you are. I just-" she faltered, agitated. "I don't deal with things the same way you do."
"Whatever," I grimaced. "I don't want to talk about it anymore." I turned around again, my back facing her. I was too tired for this.
"Camila-"
"Good night," I said, forcefully.
Another period of silence passed and I almost thought she had fallen asleep before she softly said, "I love you."
My heart just about melted and I reached my hand behind me. Lauren took it immediately, intertwining our fingers. "I love you, too." I told her.
"I'm sorry..." I shut my eyes momentarily, trying not to flinch at those words I'd grown to hate. "I don't always communicate the way I should and I'm trying to work on it. I am. I just... It's hard for me to open up."
"It's hard for me when you don't."
"I know. It's just going to take some time."
Right. I took my hand back slowly, "Well, we both know I'm used to waiting."
Lauren didn't reply that time and I knew it was kind of a low blow, but I couldn't help but wonder how we would function if she couldn't discuss things like this with me.
I just prayed it wouldn't end like it did last time.
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