One and Only

Part 34

One and Only - Chapter Thirty-Four
Camila's POV
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Get it together, Camila, I thought to myself as I gripped the edge of the bathroom counter and stared down at the sink. I felt like I was going to vomit.
I couldn't seem to calm myself down. How could she say those things to me after all I had done to her? How could she sit there and praise me as if I hadn't been the absolute worst person these past few weeks?
How was I going to make it up to her?
I inhaled deeply through my nose and looked at myself in the mirror. She thought I was beautiful.
No. I was selfish and hurtful and I didn't deserve her love. Not after what I'd done.
But she still wanted me. She still loved me regardless of how much I wasn't worthy of it.
I started to pace back and forth in the small bathroom. I didn't know how I would even begin to apologize for everything.
Maybe I just wasn't meant to be with her. Maybe we just didn't work as more than friends. Maybe love just wasn't enough.
Because one apology wouldn't fix everything. It wouldn't take back all of the pain we'd caused each other. We had problems and just because we could say sorry didn't mean they would go away.
I didn't know if I had the strength to go through all of this again. With Adam, it was easy. I didn't have to communicate with him because I didn't really care about what he said. I knew I was only in it for the lifestyle. But I cared about what Lauren said. Everything she did resonated deep within me. What I felt for her wasn't comparable to anything else in my life-nothing could surpass it. So how could a love so strong have such a weak relationship?
I froze when I heard the door close. Rushing outside of the enclosed space, I looked around. "Lauren?" I called, but the room was empty.
My eyes flitted to a piece of paper resting on the middle of the bed. She must've left a note. I hurried to grab it, holding it up to see that it was my unfinished pros and cons list. A feeling of dread overcame me as I turned it over to see her handwriting.
Pros: 1. I love her.
Cons:
My stomach twisted. This wasn't happening. I threw the paper down and ran out of the room, seeing Lauren hurrying down the hallway. It wasn't long before I caught her arm.
She turned around, tears brimming at her eyes. "Camila, don't-"
"It's not what it looks like." I blurted out.
"Oh, so you didn't make a list to figure out if I'm worth being with?"
I frowned, "Okay... Maybe it is a little-"
"God, Camila!" She exclaimed, briefly putting a hand up to her forehead and rubbing it in distress. "Sex and the fact that I'm not Adam? Is that it? That's all you think I'm good for? That's just brilliant, isn't it? I told you I was just a fill in, didn't I?"
"I didn't finish it!" I tried to defend myself.
"You've had four days!"
"Lauren, listen to me." I said franticly, "I haven't touched it since the first day I got here-"
"This is such bullshit!" She backed up, so I walked closer.
"Please, just-"
"You know what?" Lauren interrupted, "Maybe I want some time to think." She turned away, but I grabbed her arm again. "Camila!" The furious girl glared at me.
I pulled her close to me and crashed our lips together, my hand moving up to rest on her neck. She immediately pushed me off-something I wasn't expecting.
"Why do you always do this? Just because you kiss me doesn't mean our problems are fixed! I don't want you to kiss me!" My broken expression fueled her to continue. "What I want is for you to be mine. I'm done with these random hookups."
"I don't know what else to do," I admitted.
Lauren shrugged. "Neither do I, but this isn't right. It hasn't been right for a long time." She wiped away a stray tear, "And I don't want to wake up next to you regretting the night before. I'm so sick of feeling like you're going to leave me at any given moment. You're either mine or you aren't... because I'm not settling for anything in between anymore." The older girl looked at me with pleading eyes. "I love you, Camila, and... I want you to come home."
"Lauren... I don't know," I said, unsure. "I just-"
She interrupted me, "Then I'm leaving."
"You're what?"
"I'm so tired of this." She adjusted her bag on her shoulder, "And I'm not going to go through this with you again."
I found my voice when she took a step back. "Why not? Because now the roles are reversed?"
Lauren's eyes turned sharp. If looks could kill, I'd be dead by now. "Excuse me?"
"You don't know how I feel about us and it's driving you crazy. How do you feel, Lauren-being in my shoes?"
The black-haired girl advanced toward me, fuming. "Is that what this is about? Payback?"
"No," I truthfully replied, not allowing myself to feel small. "But when we were dating, I waited for you to make up your mind! And now you're rushing me because the uncertainty of four days is too much for you, isn't it?"
Lauren let out a bitter chuckle, shaking her head in disbelief. "You waited for me? You can't be serious." I gulped, her intensity intimidating me. "You went off with Adam-you were going to leave with him. No, Camila, you didn't wait for me. I waited for you! While you were making wedding plans with Adam and playing the perfect fiancé, where the hell do you think I was? I was at our home waiting for you!" She cleared her throat, trying her hardest to not sound choked up. "I gave you your space, Camila. You called me-you asked me to stay. I-" She stopped, getting frustrated. "I've been waiting."
"Lauren, please." I begged, "I need more time."
She let out a deep breath, silent tears falling down her cheeks. "I'm just not enough for you, am I?" My jaw dropped, the words I wanted to say not coming out. Lauren nodded at my silence, putting on a smile to mask her hurt. "Take all the time you want."
I watched as she walked away, my vision blurring when she turned the corner, disappearing from my sight. The strangled sob I'd been holding in made its way out and I covered my mouth so that the people in their rooms couldn't hear my cries.
Walking back to my room, I fell on the bed and curled into myself. I was so stupid. Every time I had the chance to make things right, I ruined it. And it was all because I was too ashamed to face what I'd done to us.
How could I stand in front of Lauren and try to make things right when everything was so wrong?
I sat back up and wiped harshly at my face. I was done feeling like this-feeling like we were hopeless, like I was losing her permanently. I didn't have any more time left and I needed to make a decision. For good.
My feet hit the floor with a new determination. Pride hadn't gotten me anywhere with her, so it was time to set that aside.
I was going home.
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I nervously made my way to the loft, struggling to hold onto my luggage, and knocked on the door. It took longer than expected for her to answer so I set my bags near my feet and started to wonder if she even made it home. Just as I was about to call her, the door flung open, revealing a red-eyed Lauren. Her breath hitched in surprise.
Our tired eyes met and we could both see how exhausted the other one was. She broke the silence. "Hi-"
"I am in love with you." I said quickly.
Lauren looked down momentarily, taking it in. "I know-"
"No," I interjected, "you don't know. How could you know? I haven't been acting like it."
"You used to... before I messed it up. You were right earlier-when you said I silenced you. Before our break up, I did silence you and I know that's a big part of why we aren't together and... I was just so angry earlier and I shouldn't blame it all on you, because it's not all your fault and-"
"Stop." Her gaze flitted up to me, a confused look on her face. "Stop apologizing." Lauren nodded and I prepared myself for what was next. "My whole life... all I wanted was a fairytale-and I know that's cliché, but I don't care. It's what I've always dreamed of. I wanted a nice house in the suburbs with three kids and a husband who loves me... and maybe we'd get a dog. I was supposed to have the perfect garden, the perfect job, the perfect life... and I knew that if I just stayed with Adam, I would have all of that. It was the perfect plan. He would give me what I always wanted." Lauren watched me carefully and I could feel my throat closing up. "I spent four years of my life believing that he was my future... so, when I started having feelings for you, I didn't know what to do. I never planned to act on those feelings... I didn't plan to kiss you on the side of that building at two in the morning and I definitely didn't plan on you kissing me back. I didn't plan to meet that little girl named Ava in Central Park who mapped out a wedding for us. I still remember the look of horror on your face," I faintly smiled at the memory. "I didn't plan to feel so jealous all the time-even from little glances people gave you-and I didn't plan to fight with you because of my insecurities." I paused, frowning. "I didn't plan on our breakup and the pain that came along with it. I didn't plan to get back together with Adam and I didn't plan to cheat on him with you." I stared down at my feet to compose my shame, "I didn't plan to make your fear of me using you come true." I peered back up to look at her, unable to read her expression. "I didn't plan a lot of things, Lauren, and I should've. Maybe if I planned more, things between us would be a lot better than they are now. It's just that... in the years that I've known you, I've seen tons of people come and go. They all fell for you. I've seen, countless times, their declarations of love to you and you've never-not one time-returned the feelings." A sigh escaped my lips. "I don't know if you'll ever understand the absolute fear I had of you finding out how I felt about you." As I swallowed hard, tears were threatening to fall, and I found it difficult to continue speaking. "I didn't plan on falling in love with you. But I did. I love you so much, Lauren. I love everything about you. I could spend the rest of my life coming up with more things to love about you." I exhaled, trying to reduce my anxiety. "I know I messed up. I'll never forgive myself for it. And I'll probably continue to mess up, too, but I'm going to try harder this time." I promised, "This whole 'fairytale' thing is meaningless to me now that I've got you. You're real and you're mine-you'll always be mine. You're my best friend, Laur, and you mean the world to me. So, all this stuff about my 'fairytale'-the house with the garden and the dog and the husband... I can do without it. I just want you. I love you."
Lauren hesitated, not responding, and then stepped closer to me. I didn't dare to move. She slowly enveloped me in a hug, unsure at first before it turned urgent. I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in the crook of her neck, closing my eyes in relief when she started to stroke my hair. "I'm going to try harder this time, too." She whispered, planting a small kiss on the top of my head.
We stood there for a while before I leaned back to look at her. "I never finished writing the pros."
"The pros?"
"You already know 1 and 2." I grimaced briefly at the fresh memory, "Three: You make me food all the time. It's really good." She softly giggled, understanding where I was going with this. "Four: You lay with me until I fall asleep, even when you aren't tired. Five: You always put me first. Six: You're, like, insanely beautiful... and hot." She raised her eyebrow playfully at me and I smirked in response. "Seven: You know me better than myself. Eight: You can cheer me up even when nobody else can. Nine: You have so many different sides to you. I love each and every one of them. Ten: You watch the movies I want to watch, even if you don't like them, and you never complain about it. Eleven: You make me feel less alone. Twelve: The little shrug you do. Thirteen: We love each other. Fourteen-"
"Okay, Camz." She grinned at me, "I think I get it."
"I just want you to know how much I appreciate you. The pros outweigh the cons. I was just so confused about what to do. I'm always confused." My hand moved to caress her cheek, "But not anymore. I know what I want now-you."
She gave me a meaningful look, covering my hand with hers, and kissed me lightly. Her lips moved to my cheek and to my nose and to my eyelids and then to my brow. She lingered there for a second before she replaced her lips with her forehead, touching them together. Her hands cupped my face, her eyes still closed. "Don't ever leave me again."
"I won't," I said. "I'm staying. I promise."
Lauren seemed to take a moment to process my promise before she pecked me on the lips and let me go.
She silently helped me carry in my bags and set them in our room. I looked at the neatly made bed and wondered if she'd even slept in it at all since I moved out.
I set a few bags down by the door when I noticed Lauren instantly start to unpack my things. "Laur, you don't have to do that. I'll do it tomorrow while you're at work."
"It's okay, I'll just get it done now." She replied quickly. Her hands moved around rapidly and I could see how anxious she was.
I walked up behind her, resting a hand on her shoulder, and felt how tense she was. "Hey," I said softly. Lauren turned around, her green eyes avoiding me. "Are you okay? I know this is a lot... with everything I just said and with us. If you aren't ready for me to come home then I can-"
"It's not that." She interjected. I waited patiently for her to explain and she finally looked at me. I took her hands that were shaking a bit and held them, understanding why she was acting this way. "We're going to make it, Lauren. I know we're both nervous but... we can do this."
"I'm just scared," the older girl whispered. "I don't want to let you down. I don't want to let us down." I couldn't help but frown at her words. "What if I ruin it again?"
"You won't-"
"That's what you said before we started dating." Lauren pulled away and turned back around, starting to unpack again.
"We're different now." I huffed, somewhat annoyed she wasn't facing me. "Hey." She didn't move. "Hey!" I raised my voice and spun her around. Lauren didn't make eye contact with me. "We don't get to give up this time. You aren't going to let me down. We'll just take it day by day. We can do this." Her eyes finally met mine. "Okay?" She nodded, still looking unsettled.
I hated seeing her this way-seeing her doubt us. I did that. I made her insecure. I pouted at the realization before I gently kissed her, our lips brushing over each other expertly. She relaxed immediately and, when I pulled away, she drew me back.
My eyes widened a bit in surprise, the breath catching in the back of my throat, and I looked up at her. She was quietly staring at me as if she was committing every feature to memory.
Her lips met mine again in a slow kiss and I felt both of her hands moving to cup my face. She stroked my cheek with the pad of her thumb as she tilted her head to deepen the contact, her tongue brushing against mine.
I held back a whimper at the affectionate act, biting on my lip when she moved to kiss my neck. I arched it and tangled my right hand in her raven locks, almost losing it when I felt her suck at my skin. I brought her back to my mouth, connecting our lips once more, and wrapped my arms around her neck as her delicate hands traveled down my back, sending chills down my spine, before she picked me up. My legs instinctively wrapped around her waist and she led us to the bed, carefully laying me down without breaking the contact.
She was practically worshipping me in the most innocent way possible. She kept her hands above my waist as she traced patterns up and down my arms. I didn't remember the last time we actually just spent time together like this. It was always rushed or expected, but not now.
It felt different. The love radiating off of both of us was unreal and I hadn't experienced anything like it before. Just holding her and having her hold me was enough; the way her lips were grazing my own gave me a sense of security.
She was finally mine-completely mine. And I was hers.
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