Why Me?

Chapter 10 She Finally Breaks

Evangeline

     I silently sobbed as I hung up on Beckett. If I was on the line with him any longer, I would have burst into tears and he definitely would know something was wrong. I regretted everything I had said the moment I said it. I did consider him my friend; I even wanted him to be something more.

      I know that I’ve fallen in “love” before but he was different. From the moment I met him I knew he was different, but I know he doesn’t feel that way about me and that’s why I’m pushing him away. Besides, even if there was a slight possibility that he did have any type of romantic interest in me, he would just run away.

      I slowly got up off my bed and walked over to my mirror. I was only in my bra and underwear, as I had been observing my latest injures before I decided to call Beckett. He thought I was pretty in the face but if he could only see what was underneath.

     I had a huge circular bruise on my right hip and a bunch of slightly smaller bruises everywhere. They covered my stomach, my arms, even legs. As I looked at my face, I turned in disgust. I had sustained a huge gash on my forehead and a bruised cheek, courtesy of Lisa.

     That night, after Lisa had finished her doing and drunkenly stumbled upstairs, I dragged myself to my room and spent the rest of the night crying. The next morning, after Lisa left, Aunt Cecilia came into my room, probably to apologize, but she ended up finding me lying on the floor still cringing in pain. Shocked and not knowing what to do, she took me to the hospital where she was told I had a few bruised ribs and a slight concussion.

     When asked what happened to me, I simply said that I had fallen down the stairs. Although the doctors weren’t satisfied with my response, they released me and I was told to stay on bed rest. After getting home, I didn’t say a word to my aunt and I locked myself in my room, where I’ve stayed for the past two days. Aunt Cecilia brings me my meals and tries to talk to me but I just ignore her.

     I thought coming to Texas would change Lisa; maybe make her stop beating me, but I was gravely mistaken. I looked back at myself in the mirror and just cried. As I stood there and wept, I thought about how ugly I was. How I was nothing, just a worthless piece of garbage.

     “I’ll never be anything; I’m nothing.” I said out loud. It was true; now I understood why all those boys never liked me. I was an awful sight to look at. I understood why all those girls at school hated me; I was pathetic. In fit of rage, I punched the wall besides the mirror and yelped as I felt my fingers crack. More tears just filled my eyes as I backed away and went to sit on the edge of my bed.

     “I’m nothing and I will always be nothing.” I said choking and sobbing. I was right; I would never be anything. Without even thinking, I got up from my bed, threw on a long sweatshirt and walked out of my room towards the bathroom.

     Once there, I shut the door and locked it, taking a seat on the toilet. For the past couple days I had been going in the bathroom and I would sit there and stare at one item; a razor blade. I had dismantled a disposable shaver and taken the blade out.

     I’d never cut myself before but this wasn’t the first time I’d come close to. In New York, I’d do the same thing. I would tear apart a shaver, take the razor out and just stare at it. I had overheard some girl in school saying that when she cut herself it made her feel better. I always wanted to see if she was right but I never had the guts to do it. Now though, I just really didn’t care anymore.

     Ever so slowly, I rolled up the sleeve of my sweat shirt and grabbed the razor. In a way, it seemed like it was calling to me. The way the light reflected off it, I could have sworn I’d seen it smile. I brought it up to my forearm and placed the cool blade on my flesh.