Infected || PewdieCry

12.

If only I could read minds.

Just imagine. It would make things so much easier to know exactly what was going on in other people's mind. For example, I would know exactly what Russ was thinking of while he was dreamily staring out of the window. Or I would know what went on in Felix's head every time he glanced at me. Or I would be able to figure out why Scott was lying to the group, all because he didn't want them to know I was a thief, and even a murderer.

But I couldn't read minds. Instead, I was left to endlessly ponder over these questions as I nervously drummed on the table with my fingers. It wasn't until I heard his voice had I realized someone was standing next to me.

"Hey, can we talk?" 

I jumped and looked up, giving Felix a single nod. He took a seat in front of me and sighed. I stopped drumming on the table and sat op straighter, looking anywhere but Felix's eyes.

"Was it really true? What that guy said yesterday, I mean," he spoke quietly, making sure the rest wouldn't be able to overhear our conversation from the living room. I sighed and nodded slowly, still not looking at him.

"So you.. Killed someone?" I nodded again. Indirectly, yes.

It stayed quiet for a while, neither of us knowing what to say. I guess it was a bit of an uncomfortable topic. I had stolen from people and had - though indirectly - killed someone. Well... I had purposely killed people before, but that was only in cases of self-defense. I spoke up when the silence became too much.

"Listen, I know what you think and I get it. Yes, I stole from people - hell, I still would if the opportunity came - and yes, I did indeed kill someone. I understand if you've lost your trust in me now, if it was even there to begin with, but don't worry, I'm still planning on leaving. I'll just gather some shit and then I'll be out of your way, okay?" I stood up from the chair, leaving the room and hurrying upstairs, Felix's disappointed look still fresh in my mind. I was confused. Why did I care if he was disappointed in me? I felt like shit, but why?

Instead of going into the room I shared with Russ and Felix, I walked right passed the door and entered the one Scott and Snake shared. Luckily everyone was downstairs, or this would've been awkward.

I looked underneath Scott's bed and found his backpack. I grabbed it, emptied the contents on his bed, and took it with me back to my room. Once there, I threw the two water bottles I had on my nightstand inside and grabbed one of the shirts Felix had given me, pushing that in the backpack as well. I was leaving. I mean, why the fuck was I still here to begin with? My leg was doing well enough to walk again so I had absolutely no reason to stay. I hated traveling in groups, I really did.

But still... Why was there a part of me begging me to stay?

I really wanted to leave. I loved being on my own; I had been alone for such a long time. It was so much easier to be on your own in this world. You didn't have to worry about keeping a good relationship with everyone, you didn't have to worry about fights, or trying to get everyone to agree on the plan you came up with. It was so much easier to survive without a group to have to take care of and worry about.

So why exactly did the thought of saying farewell to everyone hurt so much?

"Fuck," I mumbled, clutching the backpack tightly. I wanted to leave, but inside I didn't. I had formed a bond with the group. My mind wandered to the things I'd miss when I were to leave. Russ' hilarious jokes that made me laugh every time, Minx and Krism being all cute together, Snake's way of referencing a game called Metal Gear Solid every three minutes, Jack's ridiculous accent, Mark's humour and cheeriness, Ken's horrible acting and his damn bear hat. I'd even miss Scott and his asshole comments about everything I did and said. And, most importantly, I would miss Felix. His voice, his bright blue eyes, his smile, his awkward laugh whenever we were talking about a stupid subject and the way he made my stomach jump when his shoulder brushed past mine.

I sighed, shaking my head and blocking out my thoughts. I couldn't back out of this now. It had been a great time, but now it was time to leave. The bond I had with everyone was one-sided, especially after everything that had happened yesterday. I wasn't welcome in this group anymore.

"Cry?" I froze mid-packing, not turning towards the door. "What are you doing?"

"Hey, Russ," I mumbled quietly, not even sure if he had heard me. I continued packing the last of my belongings and swung the backpack over my shoulder, finally turning to look at Russ. He was leaning against the door-frame, his arms folded across his chest and a sad look in his eyes.

"You're leaving," he said. It wasn't a question. I just nodded and looked at the ground, feeling a bit embarrassed. What was up with these emotions? This wasn't like me at all.

"Why?" he asked, though we both knew the answer already. We both felt the tension that had been in the air ever since we returned yesterday.

"Russ, we both know I can't stay. I've been here for long enough." He didn't respond, just looked away. I took a deep breath and took a step forward, but as soon as I did Russ pushed himself away from the door-frame and blocked the entrance.

"Russ, I-"

"-Don't leave," he cut me off.

"W-What?" I asked, though I had clearly heard him the first time.

"Don't leave. I don't want you to leave." I opened my mouth to say something, but quickly shut it when I couldn't find the words. Russ just looked straight at me. His eyes were desperate and it looked like he was close to tears. It was horrible to see.

"I've never had a friend like you," he mumbled quietly, still not breaking eye contact. "I would miss you if you were to leave."

I didn't know what to say, so I stayed quiet. I knew Russ was my friend, but to hear him say it out loud... Ever since Cheyenne died, I had no one. These guys were the only ones I had.

"I.. I'm sorry," I said. I dropped the backpack on the ground and brushed past Russ, hurrying in the only place with a lock on the door; the bathroom. I looked in the broken and dirty mirror, staring at my mask and slightly adjusting it. There was a crack across it thanks to the fall it made yesterday. I sighed and right then, I made a decision.

I would leave tonight when everyone was asleep.