Alren: Scared Of Happy

Chapter 4

Trigger warning:

We are in the middle of our Reflection Tour and everything is still the same. Lauren chooses to ignore me or avoid me unless in public and I am basically invisible to the other girls. I don't understand why. Have I done something to upset them? Have I insult them? What have I done wrong? Please God just tell me why. I just want my best friends back. If I never felt this way towards Lauren everything would be fine. We would all be happy and enjoying the life we live. The girls may be happy but I'm not. I don't think anyone has noticed either. During concerts the girls act like everything is fine and include me. During interviews I throw on a fake smile and fake happiness so the harmonizers don't suspect a thing. Maybe I really am invisible. My family hasn't talked to me either and I don't get why. Every time I check Twitter all I see in my notifications are hate towards me and love towards the rest of the girls. Have I done something to upset everyone? I just don't understand. Maybe I really am not good enough. Maybe I'm just worthless and needed in this band only because of my vocals. Even though a lot of people on Twitter have been hating on my voice lately. I just can't take it anymore. I have done nothing wrong yet everyone hates me. None of this would've happened if I would just like men like I'm suppose to. I sigh and wipe at my eyes. I've been crying every night while the girls don't even notice. I crawl out of my bunk and go into the tiny bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror and see nothing but ugliness. My thoughts get louder and I start insulting myself. I cover my mouth with my hand and let out a muffled sob. I glance over at the edge of the sink and see a razor one of the girls left out after shaving their legs. A thought hits me. I cry even harder at that thought. No. No I can't do that. Though maybe it'll help. No. No it's such a bad thing to do. I cry even harder as I try and get my thoughts straight. Before I know what I'm doing the razor is shattered and one of the blades are in my hand. I sniffle and try to get myself to stop. But I can't. I press the blade to my arm and put pressure on it. I slide it across my arm and hiss slightly at the pain. I look down at my arm and see blood start to form at the surface. And for some reason, I feel relief. I cry even harder at that. I shouldn't be feeling relief from this. But I do, and I want to feel it again. Tears stream down my face as I make 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 more cuts to my arm. I quickly put a towel against my arm to soak up the blood and hide the shattered blade. I replace the razor I broke with a new one hoping none of the girls realize. I quickly search for some band-aids and apply them to the cuts I've made. I hide the bloody towel and rush out of the bathroom and straight to my bunk. I curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep once again. When I wake up the next day I hear the girls laughing. I rub at my eyes and hiss in pain as I feel my arm stinging. I look at my arm and start to cry again remembering what I did last night. I quickly throw on a pullover hoodie and get out of my bunk. I walk to the front of the bus and go into the fridge for some water. I stand back up closing the fridge. I turn around and take a sip of water and freeze in place as I see all the girls staring at me. Oh so now I'm not invisible. I fight back tears as I put the cap back on my water and walk towards the door of the bus. I feel all their eyes on me as I put on my shoes and quickly leave the bus hearing one of them shuffle out of their seat and walk towards me. I pull my hood up and put my arms in the hoodie pocket as I walk. I keep my head down as tears fall from my eyes. I hear the bus door shut as I continue to walk and I hear footsteps trying to catch up with me. I suddenly feel a hand on my arm turning me around. I keep my eyes on the ground. "What's wrong with you?" I hear the raspy voice I love so much. I keep my head down and shrug out of her hold. "Nothing Lauren I'm fine." I say my voice breaking a little. "That's a lie and you know it." She says trying to reach for me again but I step back. I look up into her concerned emerald eyes. Oh please don't start acting like you care now. You've done nothing but ignore me for months. I sigh and shake my head. "I'm fine Lauren. Don't worry about me." I say as I turn on my heel and continue walking. This time she doesn't follow me, but she does call out my name. I ignore her and continue down the sidewalk. A few minutes later I reach a park and I sit down on the bench. I bring my knees up to my chest and sniffle. I don't know how long I stay there like that but I snap out of my daze when I feel a hand on me. I look over and see a man looking at me with something in his eyes. I instantly get a bad feeling and quickly get up. He gets up as well and tries to grab me. I scream. He keeps trying to hold me still and shut me up but I scream louder. Soon enough I feel something hit my eye. After a moment of realization I realize he had punched me in the face. I swiftly kick him where the sun doesn't shine and run back towards the bus with tears streaming down my face. I reach the bus and slam the door shut behind me breathing heavily. I keep head down as I feel two pairs of eyes on me. I quickly make my way to the bathroom and lock it. I look up in the mirror and gasp as I see a bruise forming around my eye. I muffle my sobs and quickly run out of the bathroom and to my bunk. I curl up trying to keep my cries silent so I don't disturb the girls. Not like they'll notice me anyways. Why me? What have I done? God why are you punishing me? I thought I've punished myself enough. I sniffle and feel the urge to cut again. But I have to wait till all the girls are asleep. And that's exactly what I'll do. Why can't I be good enough?

So.. This was SO hard to write..
Leave a comment what you think
Hope you enjoyed

Love y'all❤

Stay Beautiful and Strong✊

-Kisses Taylor