Alren: Scared Of Happy

Chapter 25

Surprise ;)

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

Never in my life did I ever think I would hear those words. I never saw any of this happening. I always thought that I would love Lauren in silence and from afar, not that she would ever reciprocate those feelings. I don't know how to feel or what to think. Everything has been happening so fast. This past week has felt like a blur and I honestly don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle anything in my life right now. Everything is just rushing past me as I stand still. It feels like I'm stuck and the rest of the world just keeps moving on, no one noticing that I'm frozen in time. Lauren's words echo in my head. She loves me, she romantically loves me. She's in love with me. She wants me to be her girlfriend. Why? Why would she want me to be her girlfriend? I'm just a ball of emotions. She doesn't need that burden. She doesn't need to deal with my constant mood swings, my episodes of depression and anxiety, or my thoughts. She doesn't need to deal with someone so broken and beyond repair. No one should have to deal with me. I'm not worth trying to save. I'm not good enough to be Lauren Jauregui's girlfriend. She deserves someone who isn't broken, who isn't fighting a war in her head. She deserves the best, and the best isn't me. Sure this is what I've always wanted and maybe she could actually stop the war in my head, but that's not fair to her. She may be my only chance of even a sliver of happiness but it's just not fair to her. God why can't I just be normal and not so messed up in the head? Life would be so much easier and I would be able to say yes to Lauren. I can feel a panic attack coming on because of all this thinking, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I finally get out of my thoughts looking back into Lauren's hopeful emerald eyes and my heart breaks. I feel like crying but I can't cry. I reach out and cup her cheek in my hand and she leans into my touch with closed eyes and a small smile. Oh how this hurts me.

"Lauren..." I barely whisper out. She opens her gorgeous eyes again and looks at me with so much love. This is nearly impossible to do.. But I have to, for her.

"I... I don't think...-" Immediately I'm cut off by her lips on mine. She kisses me with so many emotions that it sends me through a whirlwind of my own emotions. She unlocks our lips but doesn't pull away.

"Stop thinking, Just feel." She whispers against my lips. I want to cry. She isn't going to give up, I should know that by now. This is Lauren we're talking about, when she wants something she doesn't give up until she gets it. I search her eyes and see nothing but love and understanding. She understands me better than anyone, she knows how I get and how I will get during certain things. But she also knows how to calm me during those times. Maybe I do need to stop thinking and just feel..

"Okay.." I whisper back before I realize it.

One month later

It has been a month since I agreed to be Lauren Jauregui's girlfriend. We're in the middle of our tour and things seem to be going pretty okay. Lauren is basically attached to my hip and is always showing some kind of affection. I love every second of it. I haven't really had time to have negative thoughts, but they're still there. Everything in my life right now is going great, but why do I still feel so empty and unhappy? I have everything I've ever wanted. Then why am I still feeling like this? Why do I still have the urge to cut?

I feel an arm snake around my shoulders and a kiss to my head that pulls me out of my thoughts. I look up and see those emerald eyes I love so much staring back at me. I smile softly and wrap my arm around her waist. She leans down and kisses me softly. I forget how to breathe everytime she does this. We're currently standing backstage watching our friend Alessia Cara open up for us. She's almost done with her set when I start to feel my anxiety spike. Everytime we're about to go on stage I have a panic attack. I close my eyes to try and calm my breathing but it's no use, this one is hitting with full force. I keep my eyes closed trying to get this nightmare to stop when I can feel myself being moved away from everything. Suddenly it's quiet and my back is against the wall. I feel hands cup my face and lips crash onto mine softly. My breathing stops completely for a moment. My body starts to relax when I realize what's happening. I put my hands on Lauren's hips as I kiss her back. Slowly she pulls away from my lips and rests her forehead against mine.