Alren: Scared Of Happy

Chapter 5

It's been two months since the first time I started to cut. Everyday since then I've been cutting at least once or twice a day. It's getting harder to cover up the cuts because our tour outfits are short sleeves. I stopped cutting on my arms and moved to my thighs and stomach. None of the girls have noticed anything. Not surprising really since I'm invisible to everyone. It's our third to last show of the tour and we are all currently getting ready for the show. I run to the bathroom with my concealer and hide as many cuts as I can before putting on my tour outfit. I look at myself in the mirror. I look so fat and ugly. No wonder I'm getting so much hate from people. I take a deep breath. I haven't cried as much as I used to. I learned how to just feel numb. It helps deal with the pain. Suddenly there's a bang on the door causing me to jump. "Ally come on we're on in five." I hear Normani say through the door. Normani is the only one that actually acknowledges me, it's not often but at least I'm not alway invisible to her like I am with the rest of the girls. I open the door and immediately run into someone else's body. I place my hand on their arm to steady myself as they do the same. I look up and see Dinah looking at me in concern. "You okay Smallz?" She asks. I blink in surprise. She hasn't called me Smallz in months. "Yeah, I'm fine Dinah, let's go rock this show." I say giving her a fake smile that she believes is genuine and smiles as well. We are in the middle of the show and I can feel the sweat running down my body. I feel panic start to rise in my stomach. I continue to sing my parts like nothing is wrong but sneak glances down at my arms and at the other girls. The concealer is fading which means someone might see my scars and cuts. I glance over at Dinah and see her glance at me with concern in her eyes. No. Please no. Please. I glance back over at Dinah and if she did notice my arms, she's choosing not to seem like she did. We finish our show and I run off stage to the dressing room. I quickly change into a hoodie and sweats just as the other girls walk into the dressing room. I glance at Dinah again and she looks at me but goes back to talking with Normani. Maybe she didn't see anything and I'm just being paranoid. Yeah, I'm just being paranoid. I sigh but feel someone's eyes on me. I look over and see Dinah staring at my covered arms. I panic and quickly leave the dressing room and go to bus. I go into the tiny bathroom and lift up my hoodie to reveal my stomach. I grab the blade and cut around my stomach four times. I hold a towel to my stomach to soak up the blood and jump when I hear a knock on the door. "Yeah?" I say my voice cracking a little. "Ally? Are you okay?" I hear Dinah ask from the other side. I quickly put band-aids on the cuts I've made and hide the now bloody towel and the blade. I pull my hoodie down and open the bathroom door looking up into concerned brown eyes. "I'm fine Dinah, why do you ask?" I say in a calm voice. I need to know if she saw my arms or not. This is the only way I'll find out. God I hope she didn't. If one of the girls ever find out I will for sure break down. "Just checking on you Smallz. You know I love you right? I know we haven't really hung out recently but you're still my little big sister and I love you." She says. I stare into her eyes trying to see the truth in those words. But I can't seem to believe her. I fight off tears. "I know Dinah, I love you too." I lie a bit. I do love her. I love all the girls. But I don't think they love me. She smiles a small smile and hugs me tight. I wince in pain from my newly made cuts getting pressure put on them but I don't think Dinah noticed. She pulls back and looks down at me again. "The girls and I are going to the mall, do you want to come?" She asks me smiling. I smile a little. "No thanks Dinah, I'm tired from that show tonight, I think I'm going to head to bed. You girls have fun." I say. She frowns but nods and walks away to the front of the bus. I go over to my bunk and curl up. Why am I so unlovable?

Triple update!? 😄
Leave a comment letting me know what you think

Love y'all❤

Stay Beautiful and Strong✊

-Kisses Taylor