Alren: Scared Of Happy

Chapter 19

HII! OKAY SO I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED SOONER! Been kinda in a rut. BUT! ITS HERE! A little short compared to last chapter. BUT ITS HERE! ENJOY!
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I’ve avoided Lauren at all costs for the past two weeks. I just can’t face her. I know that I love her. I love everything about her. I love her smile, her hair, her widow's peak,  her green eyes, her body, her soul, her mind, the way she laughs, the way she pokes her tongue out when she’s concentrated, the way she’s so confident, the way she kisses me, how passionate she is, I could go on forever. I just love her. But something is getting in the way of me actually loving her. I’m torn. I know I love her. More than anything or anyone in this world. But I can’t show it. It wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be fair to her. I can’t be everything she needs. I hate myself for not being able to be everything she needs. I hate myself for not being everything she wants. I hate myself for telling her. I hate myself for ever having feelings. Why would anyone love someone so broken inside like me? Why would anyone care for someone like me? I’m just a lost cause. There’s no fixing me. Nothing will get better. I’ll never be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy.  Who even am I anymore? I used to be this bubbly, fun, loving girl. Now? Now I’m just empty and broken. I don’t deserve to be breathing. I’m just a waste of space. Everyone would be better off without me. I’m nothing. I should just disappear. They’d be better off.

We’ve been in the studio lately writing songs for our next album. I’ve been going into the studio after all the girls have finished and went home. I just can’t face any of them. Dinah will try and get me to talk. Normani and Camila will just look at me with worry. THen there’s Lauren who will constantly be staring at me with sad eyes. I can’t face that. It breaks my heart to know that I’m the reason Lauren is so sad. Because I can’t show that I love her. I finally know why. I can’t show her that I love her because I can’t love and accept myself. How am I supposed to love someone else when I don’t even love myself? I walk into the studio and grab a guitar. I open up my songbook and sit with the guitar in my lap. I start strumming the guitar.

I'm not gonna leave you now
Oh, I know it's gon' get better
I'm not gonna leave you now
Oh, I know it's gon' get better
I won't leave you for a money man
No matter what we go through
I'm not gonna leave you now
Oh, I know it's gon' get better

I don't know why you always think that I
Always think I'm unsatisfied
That I'm tempted by kings with the finest of things
But you know that ain't got no truth
I don't know why you always think that I'm
Unhappy with our paradise
That I'm wanting the trees that are growing the green
But you know all that I want is you

I thought you know me better babe
Than to think that I would do you that way
I don't need a house in the hills and I
I don't need man like Midas
I thought you knew me better, babe
Then to think that I would do you that way
I don't need a house and a Benz, I just
I just want your love

I'm not gonna leave you now
Oh, I know it's gon' get better
I'm not gonna leave you now
Oh, I know it's gon' get better
I won't leave you for a money man
No matter what we go through
I'm not gonna leave you now
Oh, I know it's gon' get better

I don't know why you always think that I
Always think I'm unsatisfied
That I'm tempted by kings with the finest of things
But you know that ain't got no truth
I don't know why you always think that I'm
Unhappy with our paradise
That I'm wanting the trees that are growing the green
But you know all that I want is you