Alren: Scared Of Happy

Chapter 24

Surprise! This chapter is extremely important and very long. It has taken me about a month to write mainly because I wanted this to be perfect.

ENJOY!
------------------

I sit there stunned. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. How? How could anyone do something like that to their family? Their daughter? I can’t understand why someone would do that. But I understand her more than I ever have. I know how everyone feels now when they found out I was cutting and getting hurt, their hearts broke. I just don’t get why she told me, me of all people. She could’ve told Dinah or Lauren, she’s closer with them than me. I feel worse than I did earlier, Camila has a reason to be hurting, I don’t. Nothing is wrong with me. I go numb and just stare at the floor. I can’t imagine going through that, yet I almost went through the exact same thing. Why? What did we do to deserve this? Had we wronged god? Have we sinned in a way so bad that He’s punishing us harshly for them? I just don’t get it. I get why I’m being punished, but why Camila? She’s just a little puppy. She’s done nothing wrong. So why God? Why are you punishing her this way? She doesn’t deserve this. I want to take away all her pain because she just doesn’t deserve this. Camila pulls me out of my thoughts with a sniffle. I shut my thoughts out and look at her, she’s crying. I quickly pull her into a hug and rub her back as she starts sobbing into my chest. I kiss the top of her head and hold her tighter. I can feel pieces of my heart breaking with each sob she lets out. No one deserves this but certainly not Camila. It’s just not fair. After a little while she calms down and pulls away from me. I look at her curious and slightly afraid.

“I know you’re wondering why I told you that. I told you because you understand more than anyone. I also told you so you know that you’re not alone in this. I know you feel like we all hate you and that you’re invisible to us, but you’re not. We all noticed when you stopped eating for a while, we noticed that you started to wear more long sleeves, when you became more paranoid, more quiet, we saw it all Ally. We saw our sunshine loose all her shine and we all felt lost. You are the glue to all of us. We all didn’t know what to do or what got you to start feeling this way. But when Lauren started calling you names, that’s when I knew what was going on. Dinah knew as well which is why she became so protective over you. She tells you to stay away from Lauren because all she sees is the Lauren that called you names. She won’t look past it. She still loves Lauren but she doesn’t like how she went about everything. The reason why none of us acted like we knew anything was going on with you is because we wanted you to come to us, we didn’t want you to know we knew. I knew exactly how you would react if we knew. Dinah and I got a glimpse of it during a concert, we saw how panicked you got when you thought Dinah saw your scars. So we never said anything. Which was a bad idea but we didn’t know what else to do. Then Lauren started being more lovey around you and it made us nervous. Things seemed to be getting better with you guys so we felt better but kept a close eye because we don’t want her hurting you. Ally, we all love you so much and need you around more than you think. Normani hasn’t been herself because she feels so helpless. You’re not alone Ally. We all love you and want to help you get better. I know that I was an ass to you when you were in the hospital because I was dealing with a lot in my head and Shawn was my person. I just didn’t want to believe that he would do something like that and that was wrong of me to take it out on you. I wanted to talk to you alone because I wanted you to feel comfortable, not overwhelmed with the rest of the girls around. I notice your little nervous habits more than anyone else because I had the same ones. Like how you fidget with your fingers or play with your lip or you will run your hand through your hair a lot. I’m rambling now. My point is Ally,  we know and we want you to know you’re not alone.” She says taking a deep breath.

I’m left there in shock. I don’t even know how to feel or think right now. Part of me is screaming in panic because they all know what I’ve been doing to myself. But the other part of me feels relieved that they know and that they actually care. Camila is looking at me worried of how I’m going to react. I don’t even know how to react. There’s so much going on in my head. So many different emotions coursing through me. For the last few years, I’ve felt like I was invisible to these girls, that I didn’t matter anymore. But now Camila is telling me that I was never invisible? Yet they chose to ignore me and they knew that something was wrong. How does that make sense? They knew something was wrong and did nothing but keep their mouths shut and make it all worse. They made me feel like I was invisible, unwanted, alone. I should be beyond upset with them. But I’m not and that’s the confusing part. I don’t know how to even think right now. I don’t know how I should react. Camila looks so worried that she’s overstepped or something. She hasn’t. She’s opened my eyes. It’s just a lot to take in. Before I know it I crash into Camila and grip onto her shirt as sobs rack through my body. The force of my impact makes Camila fall back onto the bed, She lays there and puts an arm around me as I grip onto her like I will float away if I don’t hold on. She pulls me tighter against her and just holds me as I cry. She rubs my back soothingly trying to get me to calm down. “I know we should’ve done more, we should’ve let you know that you weren’t alone a long time ago. I should’ve done more. I’m so sorry I’ve kept quiet Ally.” She whispers softly with a sniffle. I hug her tighter. “It’s okay. You’re here now, that’s what matters.” I say softly as she starts to cry. We lay there holding onto each other tightly and letting all our emotions out. It feels nice to let it all out and not be alone to do so.