Alren: Scared Of Happy

Chapter 20

I don't think y'all are ready for this😏😉

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Two Months Later

It’s the start of the 7/27 tour and all of us are so excited. Dinah has been glued to my hip for the passed few weeks and I’m not sure why. I love that at least one of the girls is paying attention to me because for the passed few months ever since we recorded the album no one even looked my way. I get it. I’m unwanted here. The only reason they still have me around is because of my voice, which I don’t get since my voice is terrible. Dinah has always been one of the girls I know that no matter what will always love me. Even when I don’t believe that she really does or that I’m sometimes invisible. I know deep down that she genuinely loves me and would do anything for me. Lately she’s been attached to my hip. All of us are currently out in the mall because they all wanted to go shopping. Dinah has her arm around my shoulders keeping me close to her in a protective way. I melt into her side as we walk, I love feeling like someone actually cares. But my happiness is short lived as I realize that it won’t last. I savor the time Dinah actually shows love my way while I can. I see Lauren staring at Dinah and I from the corner of my eye. I can’t tell what she’s feeling but she seems to be glaring at Dinah? Why would she? Has Dinah done something to upset Lauren? I shrug it off and continue to listen to the girls talk aimlessly about the tour. We pass by numerous stores but then Normani and Camila stop in front of a store. “Girls we have to go in here and try on some things.” Mani says with so much excitement. I look up to see what store it is and all the color leaves my body. Victoria Secret. Of Course. It's almost like tradition for us to go in here before tour and just be normal teenage girls for one final day. I can’t do it this time. This past year alone I have hated my body so much more. I can’t go in there, try on some underwear and bras in front of the girls and act like I love myself. I can’t do that. No. I’m too fat for it. I’m not pretty enough to pull any of the items in this store off. I most certainly can’t sit there and watch all the girls show off their beautiful bodies knowing they love how they look, especially Lauren. I can’t try these things on and show the girls what I look like in them. I can’t stand there feeling so vulnerable and have them stare at me with disgust. But if I don’t go in there, they will know something is wrong. They’ll keep asking me questions. My breathing picks up just a tad as I feel all the anxiety flood through my body. My eyes widen. No. Not only can’t I handle not looking good enough in the underwear, the girls will see my scars! No. No. No. I really can’t do this now. I can lie. I can lie and say I’m not feeling that great. That I’m just not feeling up to it this time. But I’ve never been that great at lying. I’ve been with these girls for four years. They know when I’m lying. How can I get out of this? Suddenly there’s a hand on my shoulder that snaps me out of my thoughts. I look up wide eyed at Dinah who has concern all over her face.

“Smallz I’ve been trying to talk to you for the past few minutes. Where’d you go there?” She asks softly. I just shake my head. I try and calm my breathing. I try and calm down this intense anxiety I’m feeling. It feels like my lungs are collapsing on me. My heart is beating so fast like it wants to get out of my chest and run away. My stomach is tightening, making me feel uneasy. My breathing gets a bit more erratic as I try and calm myself down. Cold sweat starts to form on my forehead. My head starts to feel dizzy and lightheaded. Black spots start to appear in my vision.

“Ally!” I hear someone say but their voice is fuzzy to my ears. “Ally you need to breath. Deep breaths. Slowly. In and out.” they continue to say. Suddenly green eyes are staring into my panic brown ones. “Follow my breathing Ally. In and out. In and out.” She says softly as I can now start to hear her more clearly. I stare into her eyes and feel a wave of calmness run through my body. My breath normal again. Black spots gone. My heart back to a normal steady pace. Everything stops spinning. I blink slowly trying to grasp what just happened and how it just stopped. Lauren and Dinah are trying to talk to me but I can’t seem to hear what they’re saying right now as my thoughts become louder. What just happened? Why did it happen? I’ve never experienced something so terrifying. It feels like you completely lose control over your body. No matter what you try to do to stop it. Its like you left your body and something else took over. Like you are trapped in this feeling in your mind and nothing you do can make it stop. It’s like being tied to the front of a freight train during a hurricane with an ipod on the highest volume of the most annoying song you know.