Star Wars Rebels: Teenage Response

Starting Over

His body was still warm as she held him close, despite the cold in the cargo hold. His peaceful expression on his unmoving face was burrowed into her head, never to be forgotten. And when she looked at him, she would be reminded that it was her who did this.
I'll never be able to forgive myself for this.
She had to make a choice, though. She imagined she'd find herself in an identical situation if she was holding Ketsu's body, and not Ezra's. It didn't seem like she was going to win in this at all...
Maybe we should've left him. He wouldn't be in pleasant company but at least he'd be alive...
And killing her own mother was hardly on her mind. She couldn't even consider Rook Kast a relation of her's anyways...just another person she'd expel from memory in enough years. She supposed that at least she had closure on exactly who her mother was.
"Right...it's time we got out of here" Ketsu said as she entered the cargo hold. "The Protectors will be all over this place soon"
Fenn Rau will probably be expecting them to return to Concord Dawn...but Ketsu knew Sabine would have other plans right now.
"Are you okay flying with one hand?" Sabine asked quietly and politely. "I...I can take over for you, if you want..."
Ketsu shook her head. She was very familiar with her ship, she could fly it blindfolded...in a manner of speaking. Her "injury" wasn't painful either, she was cut across her prosthetic limb. It didn't come close to being as bad as the first time she lost an arm.
"Don't worry about me" She told her. "I'm more concerned about you...what are we going to do with him?"
Ketsu gestured to Ezra's body, and Sabine looked hopelessly at him. She sighed and stroked his hair...she hoped for a miracle. She hoped that some kind of crazy side of the Force would have him come back to life in front of her...but it was wishful thinking, all it took was a lot of blasters to destroy the Jedi all those years back...she had to hold on to some hope, though...
Anything is better than nothing...
She kissed his cheek and wiped her eyes...she couldn't let the crew see Ezra like this, she refused to let them see what she saw.
"Oh Ketsu, let's just bury him!" She said as she almost exploded into tears. "Take us to Lothal...lets take him home..."
He deserves that, at least...
Ketsu nodded and headed up her ladders to the cockpit. When the ship began moving, Sabine was left to revise what she was going to say to the crew...it wasn't going to be easy.
I couldn't save him? I KILLED him? I failed them all?
She PROMISED Kanan she would bring him home...well, in a way she was...she was taking him back to Lothal. Back to where this all started, where she first met him...and that was two years ago.
I'd give anything to go back to those times.
But she knew there was no going back.

Ketsu stood at Sabine's side as the latter was on her knees respectively by a fresh graves side, on the green fields of Lothal. They were near a large tower, where Ezra would often stash his findings and belongings when he was a street con artist. It was the closest thing to home for him...and Sabine deemed it the best place to bury him.
"Rest well, Ezra Bridger..." Sabine whispered as she brushed her hand on the fresh soil. "You're going to see your family again..."
She was then quietly chanting in Mandalorian...she was not familiar with any other kind of burial or religion, so she decided to go with what she knew. She never considered it before, but...Ezra and all her rebel friends weren't Mandalorian...they didn't practice her religion. If they weren't Mandalorians already they'd have been considered dar'mandas.
Dar'mandas have no place in Manda...no afterlife...no living on...
Just death.
"Ketsu...do you think there's a place in Manda for everyone?" Sabine asked without looking up at her.
Ketsu sighed and crouched down next to her.
"This is a tricky subject, Sabine...Manda accepts those who are in touch with the ways of a Mandalorian. Those who do not possess that touch...do not belong" She told her gently. "I...never really considered if the eternal darkness applies to those who were never Mandalorian to begin with"
A fatal flaw in their religion. Surely Manda wouldn't punish those who were never taught his ways? Knowing her people, though...Sabine wouldn't be surprised if the religion damned all who were not one of them.
"He was a good kid, Ketsu..." Sabine whispered as she sniffed and wiped her eyes. "He didn't deserve this...wh-why didn't I try to stun him? Or shoot his lightsaber out of his hand? It...it never even occurred to me to consider my options!"
She wiped her hair back in frustration.
"But he was happy in the end..." She went on. "I still don't understand why...there's no afterlife for him...and even if there was, how could he be sure? Do Jedi even have an afterlife?"
There was a pause.
"It's faith, Sabine" Ketsu told her. "We aren't supposed to understand it...we just have it"
Ketsu took Sabine's hand and squeezed. Sabine had to believe that Ezra was in a better place now.
Please guide this good soul to the collective consciousness, Manda...
All she saw were two choices. Ketsu or Ezra. There was no bending the rules...no moulding a preferable outcome...there was just pain.
Pain...
That's all that followed ever since she was introduced to the world of sex and relationships. It began with pain, it proceeded with pain...when was it going to end? Would that end with pain too?
It's got some great moments...but I don't think it's worth it.
She had certainly degraded as a Mandalorian since that horrible day, two years back. The Grand Inquisitor in her dreams wasn't lying when he said he left a permanent mark on her. She needed to change that.
I need to change.
"I can't do this anymore, Ketsu..." Sabine quietly confessed, looking at her and letting go of her hand. "This whole thing with you...and Ezra...it's only hurting me"
Ketsu looked back at her, confused.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
Sabine looked back at the grave.
"It's had its moments...and there are some pretty good ones that I'll never forget...but I quit" Sabine told her calmly. "This can't go on...I'll never be able to live with myself like this"
"What? I don't..."
Sabine took her face and gave her a long, big kiss. It would be the last one they would share together. When she was done, Sabine stood up and took a deep breath. She was not going to be weak anymore, it made her feel ashamed. She needed to go back to the older days...when there was no love...no sex...no pain.
It's the person I'm meant to be.
"I'm not homosexual, Ketsu" She told her. "Or even bisexual. I'm asexual from this point on"
Ketsu stood up and looked at her with a confused look.
"Sabine you can't just say what you are, you ARE what you are" She told her. "And you're my girlfriend...we love each other, Sabine"
Sabine closed her eyes and thought about those words...even if they were true in her heart, she couldn't allow it to continue regardless. She hated how complex and complicated it made her life.
"I'll always love you, Ketsu" Sabine agreed. "But I need my space, and I need to think about my life. This is all a big wake-up call to me...I'm sorry, but we need to call it off"
Ketsu was surprised...she wasn't expecting to be told this so soon after Sabine saved her life.
"Are you...breaking up with me?" She asked as she went to rub her other arm, but was reminded she currently had only one of such a limb.
Sabine nodded.
"Yeah, I need some room to breathe" Sabine went on. "...don't worry though, we are still best of friends...that's something that will never change. Couldn't have done all this without your help, Ketsu...even if it didn't go as I would've wanted...thank you"
Ketsu found comfort in that. She didn't feel heart broken...not like she thought she would have if she ever found herself in this position. But still...she enjoyed being in a relationship with Sabine, and it would be a shame to lose it...but if Sabine wanted to call it off, what could she do?
"Well...if that's what you want..." She supposed.
Sabine nodded. Admittedly, Ketsu was taking this a lot better than she thought she would.
"It is" She confirmed. "But hey...we made some pretty good memories together"
Ketsu gave a faint smile.
"Some pretty sexy ones" She agreed.
Sabine returned her faint smile, but it faded when she looked back at the grave. This wasn't exactly a suitable conversation in a place of mourning and respect.
"Thanks for understanding" Sabine said.
They spent a while longer together, paying their respects for Ezra, until they finally made their leave.
Goodbye, Ezra.
It was a heavy trip for Sabine back to the ship, each footstep away from Ezra felt like she was undoing all her progress to find him. That, and the fact that she was going to have to explain to the crew what had happened...that was going to be very difficult.
But I'm not going to cry...not going to cry...
She had to be tougher. She was a Mandalorian...she was better than this. Hera had told her that it was natural and completely normal...but it was still a sign of weakness. Sabine hated being weak, she hated feeling weak when she was being used like a toy by the Pau'an Inquisitor.
That's not who I was.
The Sabine she remembered was the spunky, feisty and defiant Mandalorian teenager with a passion for art and explosives. Being raped had broken her. She wanted to return to that Sabine...she wanted to be that Sabine once more, to be whole once again. As much as it hurt to admit, Ezra being gone gave her that chance.
But then it hit her: she was still pregnant. That was going to change her forever unless something was done.
I'm gonna...have to deal with that...I guess...
But she couldn't dwell on that right now...there was a talk she needed to have with her crew. Her friends. Her family.
How does one explain that they killed the equivalent of their brother? Their cute, little brother...
Her blueberry.
"I suppose we should regroup with the Protectors on Concord Dawn before heading to Atollon" Ketsu advised. "You know...ensure alliances and such..."
Sabine nodded. They could make the quick trip...and endure Fenn Rau for a little longer.
It's just more time to think about I'm gonna say, anyways...