Hidden Meanings

Breakdown [Man]

Trigger warning: Mentions of depression and suicide.

Miles X Ran because these two are just so cute and ugh

Today, out of all days.

Today, out of all days, while she was here, that was when it became worse.

Miles Tucker sat against the door of his bathroom, head in his hands, knuckles pressed to his cheekbones as words, hurtful as poison, flickered through his mind.

Worthless, worthless, worthless. Kill yourself. No one cares. You're complete trash, the trash that's left at the end of the garbage truck, given a fleeting moment of hope before being burnt to cinders or being put in a landfill. Worthless, worthless, worthless.

Why, why, why? Why can't I do anything right? Kill yourself. Poison. Razor. Gun. Rope. Jump.

"Miles...!"

Pressing one of his hands to his mouth, Miles's gaze didn't move from the ground, the other hand bunching up his shirt, knuckles going white.

"Miles, please, answer me!"

Another knock, a knock that vibrated Miles' spine, but the blonde stubbornly shook his head, despite his companion not being able to see him.

"Leave me alone, Ran! I'm fine!"

His voice cracked.

"Miles, please let me in."

Everything now- Ran's cheerful demeanor, her chipper words- everything had been put aside of him.

"Stop wasting your time!"

I can't sleep, 'cause my heart keeps racing,

My chest hurts 'cause my heart keeps breaking,

I'm so numb and I can't stop shaking.

"Miles, please..."

Her voice broke.

This is my fault. This is my fault. This is my fault, why she's like this right now. Why is she doing this for me? I'm the person everyone leaves at one point, so why is she still here?

Miles wasn't crying, he just felt... empty. Everything- stress, depression, anxiety- came whirling onto him at once, and was he tired. He wanted to close his eyes and never open them again.

I should just kill myself.

His eyes drifted to the mirror, the glassy pools of brown then lifting to look at the glass, then his knuckles.

I don't blame anyone. I did this to myself. It's my fault. Everything is my fault. It's to the point where I completely shut down. I would stare blankly at the wall, and it doesn't matter what you say to me, because in that moment, I don't exist.

Slowly, Miles rose, taking slow, staggering steps towards the window, and raising his fist.

The sound of shattering glass. More banging. Blood slid over Miles' knuckles, but the teenager only looked down at it with a neutral expression.

"Miles!"

Another bang.

He was tugged away from the glass, but all Miles could feel was the beat beat of her heart.

Ran's heart, still alive, still beating.

"Miles... Miles, please, stop..."

The said personage glanced down, noting the arms firmly wrapped around him.

"Don't tell me you're okay, don't tell me you're fine, because I know you just went through a breakdown and I know you want to die, but you can't just leave...! I don't know what it feels like to think that you're a bother to people for being alive, but you're not as worthless as you think..."

My biggest fear is that you'll see me the same way I see myself.

"I don't know what storm you walked through... but I'm not going to say 'Why are you depressed? Look at how great your life is', because that's saying the same thing as 'What do you mean, you have asthma, look at all this air'. Don't say you're okay... because you're still fighting your demons inside..."

At this point, Ran started to rock the taller male back and forth, and Miles could feel cold against his back, cold water against his shirt.

Maybe I'm not mean to have a happy life. Maybe pain is all I'll ever know.

"Can you at least look at me?"

It took Miles a few moments to register her question, but he obliged. Detaching her arms from around him, he slowly turned.

Ran tilted her head up, looking at him in concern.

"... I'm sorry. I'm so freakin' sorry. I'm a mess. I'm a tornado waiting to happen, and I dragged you into this, an-" Miles swallowed, his throat clogging up.

Ran cut him off with another hug, but this time, Miles wrapped his arms back around her. "Please. Please, I beg you, I want you by my side this whole time. I have more scars then you'll ever see, yet there are times where you just make it go away, even for a little while.

"At first sleep was the only escape, and then you came along, and good grief," Miles broke off, burying his head against Ran's hair. "I'm so sorry I dragged you into this. I'm scared, Ran, I'm so freakin' scared; what if I feel this way for the rest of my life, what if-"

He swallowed again, and- crap, tears, no, I don't want her to see me like this...

"Just please don't go. Don't leave me here. I feel like everyone secretly hates me..."

Ran's grip around him tightened.

"No. I'll never leave."

[Miles my poor baby, oh my Leone, what have I done to my collected Miles]