Why Him?

Hope is for suckers

We spend the day at the hospital with Gabriel. Josh and I are sitting there just looking at him. I didn't think it was possible to love something so much. Then I saw Gabriel for the first time. I love him more then I could have ever imagined. I look over at Josh. "Thank you for giving me him." he smiles at me and grabs my hand. As were sitting there a machine goes off and starts making a loud beeping noise. Two nurses rush in and then a doctor. They come over to Gabriel and one of the nurse starts pushing me and Josh out. "If y'all could just wait out here for just a moment. We have to check everything and make everything stable. It shouldn't be long before your allowed back in." I refuse but then Josh pulls me back. "Its fine Maya. We're gonna go right back in, in just a few minutes." he takes my hand in his and guides me out the door.

I pace back and forth in the hall, waiting for nurse to let us back in. Its been half an hour and we still haven't been allowed back in. Finally the nurse comes back out. "He's having a lot of trouble breathing right now and we are still trying to get him stable. Visiting hours are over in ten minutes and I don't think we'll be done by then. You can come back early in the morning though an-" I cut her off. "No! That's my son in there and I will see him whenever I want!" I go to walk in but Josh holds me back. "Maya calm down." I try to jerk away. "No! I don't want to calm down! I want my son!" I stop struggling and he turns me around and hugs me. We walk slowly out to the parking lot and get in the car. We both stay silent for the ride home.

Its 1:30 am and I'm sitting on the couch watching TV. I couldn't fall asleep so I had turned it on around midnight. Josh walks in and sits down next to me. I look over. "Sorry, did I wake you?" he shakes his head. "Nope. I couldn't sleep either." I look back at the TV and try to avoid the question that is keeping me up. Finally the words just fall out of my mouth. "What if something happens to him?" Josh looks over at me. "Nothings going to happen to him." I turn my body towards him. "That's what I've been telling myself this whole time but its been almost a month and half Josh! And he's not better. And now with what happened today........ What if he gets worse? Josh I just got him. I'm not ready to let him go." I began crying and Josh pulled me close to him. "I'm not ready to loose him either Maya. It scares me to death everyday we leave that hospital without him. But we have to have hope. Hope that he will get better. That's what I'm living on right now." he kisses the top of my head. Hope has never gotten me anywhere in life. I hoped that my dad would come back. He never did. I hoped that my roof would stop leaking. It never did. I hoped that everyone would treat me the same once they found out I was pregnant. No ever did. Not even Riley. I know they all still love me but, it just isn't the same as it used to be. Hope is for suckers.