Life With Him

Chapter 44

Cameron's point of view.

It's been a week. She never leaves either our bed or the couch. She barely eats and almost never speaks to anyone, sometimes not even Logan. It's like she died in side, and it's killing me that I don't know how to help her. There's nothing I can do to help her get past this.

The funeral is in two days but I couldn't say if she is going or not. I mean she has to, right?

She never cries anymore. It's like there's no tears left to shed. It's not even Amber anymore, it's just.. A shell, she's not even herself anymore.

She just sits around all day doing nothing and I don't know how to help her. She won't even talked to me, most of the time. I practically have shove food down her throat in order to get her to eat at all.

"Cam..,"she says quietly, as I enter our room.

"Yeah?" I respond.

"Can you.. Cancel our plane tickets for the funeral? I can't go" She says.

"Amber you have to... You're going to regret it if you don't." I try to explain.

"No I can't, y-you don't understand."

"I know it's hard, babe, but you'll hate yourself if you don't go." I say.

"I already hate myself so what's the difference ..." She says quietly, as if she didn't want me to hear her.

"Amber, don't do this to yourself"

"I can't go to the funeral. Why can't you understand that?!" She cries.

"Because it's your dad, Amber! I know that it hurts and I'm sorry, I wish I could change things, but you have to go to the funeral."

"The last thing I said to him was that he was selfish! I was going on about how he was just being selfish when he said he wanted to stop treatment! The last time we spoke I was telling him he was being an awful parent and so much more!! He wouldn't want me there" she cries.

I sit down next to her, resting my hand on her thigh.

"Amber you loved him, he knows that. Everyone argues with their parents, that doesn't mean you don't love him any less. It's a shitty situation, and I'm sorry, but you can't miss this funeral." I say.

"You don't get it cam."

"After what sam did, Sierra moped around for months. She wouldn't eat, or talk to anyone, and we were lucky if she got out of bed once a week. We were arguing and I told her she was being stupid for letting him ruin her. I was being such an ass to her. The next morning I went to take a shower and she was laying in the bathtub. There was no water and she was fully clothed. She was swimming in a pool of her own blood, she slit both her wrists. That was the last thing I said to her. I'm not saying this for pity but I do understand, babe. And it sucks. It's one of the worst feelings ever, I know. I hate that it happened to you but there's nothing you can do to change it. Your dad knew you loved him, Amber."

"You'll go with me? Because I can't do it alone." She says.

"Of course, I'll be right by your side."

She leans up, bringing her lips to mine, quickly, before laying her head on my shoulder.

"Thank you" she talks quietly and her voice is raspy, "I know I've been a mess for the past week, and I've been a bitch, to you, to Logan, to everybody. You're so amazing even when I'm being so terrible. So thank you, for everything." She wraps her arms around me. I'm about to respond but Logan comes into our room, slowly peeking her head in.
___________________________________
Two weeks later..

I thought things would be different after the funeral. I thought everything would go back to normal.

She still barely eats, and almost never talks, or does anything at all.

It kills me to watch her like this. She's so.... gone, and I don't know what to do.

"Why is momma sad, daddy?" Logan asks, while I'm putting her to bed.

"Because..." I pause for a moment, trying to figure out a way to explain death to her..

"Because someone she loves very much got really really sick, and that made him fall asleep for very long time."

I suck at this.

I kiss her forehead and finish tucking her in.

"Don't worry, mommy will be alright soon," I say.

"I hope," I mumble under my breath so she doesn't hear.

"Goodnight, princess, I love you."

I carefully shut her door and when I go downstairs, I see Amber sitting in the couch, her knees pulled up against her chest, and she's just staring off into space. The lights are all off but it's still fairly bright out.

I hesitate before speaking.

"I think you should talk to someone.."

She quickly turns around to face me.

"Therapy?! I'm not crazy! I don't need therapy." She snaps.

"I know you're not crazy, babe, but you're depressed and I don't know how to help you."

"I don't need help! My dad just died cam! Don't you think I'm allowed to be upset about that!" She says, her voice slowly rising to a shout as she speaks.

"Of course you are. But he died three weeks ago, Amber! And I know how much you miss him, but you are moping around the house everyday, you refuse to get out of bed half the time, you don't eat, and you won't talk to anyone all day. Logan is so confused and so upset because she doesn't understand. All she knows is that you suddenly stopped being you. That just randomly one day, you stopped playing with her, you stopped talking to her, you stopped kissing her goodnight... and I keep telling her that you'll be okay soon but I'm not even sure I believe that myself. And I have less than a week left before I have to leave and then I won't be here to take care of her. I have to trust that you will, but right now I'm not so confident in that. So you have three days to get it together Amber, because then you have a child to take of! I don't care how you do it but you need to pull yourself together, for Logan's sake." I walk back up stairs and end up just sitting on our bed.

Just a few moments later, Logan is standing in the doorway, clutching a stuffed bunny that she goes nowhere without.

"Why were you and mommy yelling..?" She asks quietly.

"I'm sorry you heard that, baby girl. Everything is okay. You don't need to worry. But it's time for bed, okay." I say.

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" She asks.

"Of course." She crawls up onto the bed and curls up next to me.

I never understood how much you could love something until she came into my life. I don't know what I would do without her now. She's so goddamn perfect.

I tried ?🙃 idk I'm not so good at this "creativity" thing anymore