Kyle's Book Of Nonsense For Cool People

Extreme Home Makeover: Unit Edition 26

Introduction

Since I'm running out of ideas but am not allowed by my readers to stop this book, I have called upon on some extra help! Please welcome the new staff of Kyle's Book Of Nonsense For Cool People!

Naomi! The girl who always seems to have a story to tell, whether it's a good one or not! She fashions all of her robes out of old couches, and has long green hair tied in the back. The type to cover her mouth and scoff and you with bad puns, she has the correct amount of sarcasm to appear as a main character of a classic Kyle Story™.

Venom! The guy who wears the edgiest clothes and has the edgiest name but is actually a quiet and rule following guy. We're talking rips on the rips of his jeans going against the grain. He has a white stripe in his black hair because he was unlucky and permanently damaged his hair there. He's in charge of creating the weekly haikus.

Siri! The somewhat well built twin-tailed blond nerd girl that probably sleeps on a pillow of nuts and bolts. She's always tinkering away on something new and has a bad habit of adding features to her inventions to the point that they no longer resemble what they were supposed to in the first place. She hates iPhones by the way. We don't actually know what she'll do here yet but we decided to hire her anyways.

Anthony! He's absent today.

They would each appreciate their new fans to make sketches of them, but that's none of my business...

Storytime Wall

Naomi: Thank you all for coming to my first performance. *takes seat on cushion* Kyle actually received a request to write something spooky, so that's what I will tell you today. *bows, then pulls out flashlight and shines it on her face from below* Get ready, because we're about to get scary in here.

The lights suddenly went out in my small homely apartment. I lived alone and lived on the outskirts of town. A fresh college graduate, I didn't have much money, so I tried going for the cheapest flat in town.

"Well that's odd," I said outloud to myself. "It's not like there's a storm going on outside or anything. I don't see why the power would go out."

I searched with my feet for the edge of the bed, then started to slide off it. Right before I let my foot touch the ground a scratching sound came out from under my bed. I reflexively pulled back instantly. My heart skipped a beat and a sudden chill came over me.

I tried reassuring myself that it was really nothing. "Sounds like those dreadful rats under the floorboards again. We really need to get that fixed." I mean, monsters under my bed? What was I, five?

I once again dangled my feet over the edge vulnerably in the pitch black darkness. My foot inched slowly to the ground, ready to pull up at the slightest disturbance.

Further, further, just a little further.

My feet touched touched the ground, and something unnervingly cold touched my skin.

It was the floor. I guess I was barefoot after all. I had made it down safely. What was I scared of in the first place?

I shifted my weight, the springs of my bed creaking as if in pain as I did. I fumbled around for the door, and eventually reached something that felt metallic and round. I turned it slowly and pushed it forward. Looked like I had found the door.

I stumbled around my home, and searched for something to grab onto. Something glinted in the dark, like a spider's eye watching my every move secretly from the shadows.

I nervously walked towards the glimmer. It didn't seem to move or make a sound, so it had to be safe, right?

I reached out and touched it, only to recoil in pain afterwards. Warm blood ran down my finger, and I put it in my mouth the try and neutralize the bleeding.

My finger, it tasted like... meat? "Oh that's right, I had chicken for dinner, and needed a knife to cut it. Guess I should do my dishes soon."

Then there was suddenly a rap at the door. Three steady and slow knocks.

I jumped a little. "Coming!"

I felt around until I found a wall, then followed it to the door. I found the knob, then with my hand firmly on it, I unfastened the other locks on the door. I swallowed hard. If someone, or something, dangerous was behind this door, they would have me for sure anyways at this point, so I swung it open quickly.

Out on the porch in the moonlight was a decrepit old woman who looked like she was going to collapse into dust at a moment's notice. She lifted a knobby finger and pointed in my general direction.

"Behind... You..."

I felt my stomach churn and I spun around. I felt my muscles tense up as I looked for searched in a panic for something about to come at me.

There was nothing there.

"No... Behind on your payments!"

The old woman shoved a note in my face. It was a bill with a number that had a comma on it, and it said that I was to vacate my apartment within the week.

The adult world was a scary one indeed.

Naomi: *bows* Thanks for having me.

Haiku Wall

Venom: This was the week that I came into existence, so I thought I would write a haiku about birth.

Fresh new world, headfirst

Won't remember this later

'Cuz I'm a baby

Venom: Has a sort of certain beauty to it, doesn't it? I think it really encapsulates the fact that none of us remember the most important moment of our lives well. Too bad I was born as a teenager out of nothingness, so I guess this doesn't apply to me... *curls up in corner of room*

Conclusion

Siri: Looks like we have everything for today done. The hamster has been fed, the producers have been watered... errr... coffee-ed, and I built a new stage that we can use next week!

Kyle: Looks like we're still missing something though, something that we can't conclude without. I wonder what it could be.

Siri: Oh, looks like the number * has been taken out of our vocabulary. We won't be able to make any references to it until we get that fixed.

Kyle: No! Any number but *! Who could have done such a thing?!

Siri: In the UTF-* codesheet, we found that the number after seven had been replaced with an asterisk. Looks like the last person to log on was Anthony.

Kyle: *falls to knees and shakes fists at sky* Anthonyyyy!!!!