Side by side

18

Jenny's P.O.V

Today it is a year since Kyle died. Everything is so much harder today. Opening my eyes is hard, getting up is hard, putting on a smile for Tyler is hard, getting dressed is hard, eating and even getting out of the door is hard. I don't wanna be here today, I just wanna sleep this day away, I just wanna hide from the world and stay in my bed. I feel like crying all the time and I've actually almost not done anything else in the bed this morning. This day is gonna be so tough to get through.

I walk into the studio where no people has arrived yet which is more than perfect. I walk down to my office and begin to try to get my mind off everything. It's harder than I thought, the numbers just melts together and I can't concentrate. This is so frustrating! I honestly feel like smashing something, hitting someone or just damaging myself and I fight so hard against these feelings.
It suddenly knocks on my door and I just wish whoever it is would stay out, but Marshall now steps into my office.

"Good morning." He says.

"Good morning." I say and I put on a fake smile.

"Have you fixed the date with Jimmy Kimmel yet?" He asks.

"Not quite yet." I say almost apologetic.

"Would you might fix it today?" He asks.

"Of course." I almost whisper as I'm afraid that he'll hear my voice shake.

"Are you okay?" He frowns.

"Yes I'm fine." I fake smile again. Just leave..

"Alright." He says and leaves. I immediately begin to cry, socializing today was not a good idea. What was I honestly thinking? Did I really expect that I could handle this? Get yourself together Jenny.. The door now opens again which makes me turn my head the other way immediately. "Jenny, I was wondering.." I hear Marshall but he pauses. "Jenny?"

"Mmh." I mumble and bites my lip still not looking at him. I just hope that he doesn't notice.

"I knew you weren't okay." He sighs and I hear him walk closer to me.

"It's nothing.. I'm okay." I whisper hiding my face from him.

"What's going on?" He asks as he squats down next to me.

"Really.. I'm okay." I sniffle as I just want him to leave. I hate to cry in front of people and I hate for people to see me in this condition.

"You're not Jenny." He says softly and lays his hand on my back. "Why don't we go for a walk? The guys haven't arrived yet."

"Yes." I mumble. "I just have to go to the bathroom first." I get up still making sure that he can't see my face so he can't see the tears that have been falling.

"Sure." I hear him say. I walk past him and head out to the bathroom.

I look at myself in the mirror and it's not too bad. I'm so glad that I chose to wear waterproof mascara today. I take a piece of toilet paper and clean up under the eyes. I'm never gonna survive this day.. I don't even know what to tell Marshall because I'm not good at talking about Kyle's death. I take a deep breath before I walk out to the hallway where I immediately see Marshall waiting for me.

"Are you ready?" He asks and I nod. We walk outside where we begin to walk around the building. I don't say anything as I have no idea what to say. I'm so embarrassed that he caught me crying, I'm embarrassed that he caught me in this condition. "Is it an anniversary or something?" Marshall breaks the ice.

"Of his death, yes." I say in a low voice as I look to the ground. I hear Marshall stop walking which makes me stop up and look at him.

"Why did you show up today? You could have called in sick." He frowns and it feels like he's getting angry at me now.