Tobias - after Allegiant ✔

3

I wake up slowly. I thought I would get nightmares after yesterday, but I slept well and I feel okay. I open my eyes and fling my legs over the edge of the bed. I told Johanna I probably wouldn't come today, but I feel alright, so I don't see any reason why I wouldn't come.
   
I walk to my closet and grab a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt, my usual outfit. We may not have factions anymore, but I still prefer dark clothing. In the far back of my closet are some of the clothes Tris used to wear. I have them so I can make sure I don't forget her. Three years ago I wanted to forget her, now it is my biggest fear: that all the marks she left will disappear and I will forget her.
   
I dress and walk to the living room. I curse under my breath as I step on something with my bare foot. My mother and I have the same kind of apartment: small, little furniture, simple. The difference is that my apartment is one big mess, making it look full, but it isn't, not really. My mother always says something about it. It became so annoying that I decided to push everything under the couch whenever she comes by, but I suspect I didn't fool her.
   
I limp to the kitchen. I put cereal in a bowl and pour milk over it. Because I'm too lazy to walk to the dinner table, I eat it leaning against the counter. When I'm done I put the bowl in the kitchen sink, get my coat and my back and walk outside.
   
It's really cold outside, but that isn't strange, given the time of the year. Light snow falls and sticks to my coat. I put my hand in the sleeves of the coat to keep them warm as I walk to my car. I took driving lessons when I was offered the job I have now. I live on the north side of the river, and the Hub – the center of everything political – is on the south side. I didn't like the thought of having to go there with the train every day, and a car is much faster.
   
I take my keys to open the door. I get in and activate the radiator immediately. Then I drive away.
   
Even though there are getting more and more cars, it's still quiet and calm on the streets. The traffic lights aren't necessary. Every one just pays attention. But we'll need them soon, because it's getting too busy. Johanna agrees with me.
   
I park my car as close to the entrance of the Hub as possible. I step out of the car and run to the entrance and almost fall on the frozen sidewalk. I walk slower to the elevator. I greet the people in the elevator and press the button for floor fifteen. After what seems a long time I hear a 'ping' and the doors open. I walk to the room Johanna and I share.
   
"Good morning," I say as I walk inside. I put my coat on the back of my chair.
   
"Tobias!" says Johanna surprised. "I didn't think I would see you here today."
   
"Neither did I, but I feel alright."
   
She smiles. "That's good. It means you're healing."
   
Suddenly I'm not so alright anymore. "That I'm healing? Doesn't it mean that she is going to the background?"
   
"Oh, no, absolutely not," she says. "I don't believe that is ever going to happen. She was too important to you."
   
"Is," I whisper. "She is important to me. She always will be."
   
"I believe that." Johanna sighs.
   
"What's wrong?" I ask.
   
"I don't know if I can tell you today. Not now it seems like you're okay." She looks at me. I nod. "I've thought a lot about you yesterday. And about her, too."
   
Ah, that's why she thought she couldn't tell me.
   
"The only thing I could think about yesterday is that I've never been nice to her. Especially as representative of Amity. I should've acted differently. She was such a beautiful woman."
   
"Yes, she was," I say, my voice unsteady. My fingers shake, so I grab the edge of the bureau to hide it. Johanna sees it anyway.
   
"I believe it would've been better if I had kept my mouth shut."
   
I swallow the tears and let go of the bureau. "No, I'm okay."
   
Liar.
   
"You can go home if you can't handle it anymore," says Johanna. I nod, but turn on the computer anyway.
   
"I'm okay," I repeat. "The traffic lights. They need to get there."
   
I type in my password and get a message on my screen: welcome back, we missed you! Did you have a nice day?
   
My stomach turns and I feel bile coming up my throat.
   
"Tobias?" asks Johanna worried.
   
I get up and walk to the bathroom. Whatever was inside my stomach comes out until there's nothing left. I drink some water to get rid of the bad taste. Then I sink down to the floor and I lean against the wall.
   
"Tobias, are you in there?" Johanna's voice sounds from the other side of the door.
   
"Yes," I manage to say. The door opens and Johanna walks in.
   
"Oh, my," she says. "You look awful."
   
"I'm okay," I say for the third time today.
   
"A few minutes ago I believed you, but not anymore. Come on, I'll bring you home."
   
"I can drive myself."
   
"I don't think so," she says sternly. "You look like you're about to faint. We can't have that while you're driving. Come on, let's go. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning."
   
"And what if I don't mind getting hit by another car?" I say.
   
"Maybe you don't mind, but I do and a lot of other people, too. Who else is going to take my job when I retire?"
   
"One of the other hundred thousand  citizens maybe?"
   
Johanna sighs. "I'm not open to discussion; we'll talk about that later. Now, let's go."
   
She pulls me up and takes me to the elevator. My head feels too heavy. It's like a bowling ball.
   
A 'ping' sounds and the doors open. Johanna guides me inside with one hand on my back to steady me. Not much later the doors open and we are on the ground floor. We walk to Johanna's car. It isn't any warmer than when I arrived.
   
"Come, my car is over there," says Johanna. I walk with her toward a black car across the street. She pulls open a door and lets me sit down. "Fasten your seat belt."
   
She walks to the other side of the car and gets in herself. I lean my head against the window. It vibrates when the car starts.
   
"Thank you, Johanna," I say.
   
"You're welcome." She sighs. "I-eh... I saw that message on your computer. It was the reason, wasn't it?
   
"Not now, Johanna."
   
"I just wanted to say that it's a regular message. But I'm going to make sure that they'll change it immediately."
   
I smile a bit. "Thank you."
   
"How they got the idea to do this, I have no idea," she says, shaking her head in disapproval. "But it was really dumb."
   
She stops the car in front of the flat. "Shall I help you get inside?"
   
I shake my head. "I'll be fine."
   
"I'll pick you up tomorrow. You'll come then, don't you?"
   
I nod. "Yes, but I'll just take the train. I don't want to inconvenience you."
   
She looks at me, shaking her head. "Incorrigible. Once a Stiff, always a Stiff, isn't it? I'll see you tomorrow, Tobias. Get some rest."
   
She drives away. I walk inside, a little unstable.
   
Johanna is like a second mother to me. She often understands me better than I do. Sometimes that scares me, sometimes I don't mind.
   
I walk inside my apartment. I know I should eat something, but I'm really not hungry. This isn't the first time I vomit because of something stupid as a message. And it isn't the first time I don't eat anything either. Especially Johanna and Evelyn worry about it, and they worry about the visible bones that shouldn't be visible, too. It's good they do and force me to eat something, because if they didn't I would've been a walking, talking skeleton right now.
   
I walk to my bed. Halfway I kick off my shoes. I don't bother changing clothes and fall down on the bed and I'm fast asleep before I know it.