Tobias - after Allegiant ✔

18

I'm in a white room. My head pounds and the light is way too bright. Despite the headache I lift my head a bit and take a look at the room. It's a hospital room. Next to me sits a woman, but she doesn't have blonde hair like I expected. It is my mother. She's sleeping; her head tilted to the side and her mouth a little open. But she holds my hand.
   
I squeeze her hand a bit. She lifts her head and opens her eyes. When her eyes meet mine she is suddenly wide awake.
   
"Tobias," she says in shock.
   
"Mom," I say, but it sounds like a groan. She smiles a bit and nods. "Where is Tris?"
   
Her smile disappears. "I'm sorry, Tobias," she says.
   
I fall back in the pillows. A tear drops on the pillow. Evelyn strokes my forehead like I'm a little child. Maybe that's how I am in the eyes of my mother. Maybe the time stopped for her the moment she left our quiet Abnegation street for good.
   
"I saw her," I say. "She came to get me. That's what dead people do when their loved ones are about to die, right?"
   
"I don't know, Tobias. I don't know."
   
The door opens and a doctor comes in.
   
"Good afternoon, both of you," he says. He walks over to me. His smile falters. "Mister Eaton, I'm Doctor Eastwood. Everything okay?"
   
"Do you have death serum here?" I ask him. "Because I could use some of that wonderful stuff right now."
   
"Tobias!" says Evelyn, scolding.
   
"If we had, I wouldn't have given it to you, Mister Eaton. May I ask why you want the death serum?"
   
"I just want to see Tris." Angry I wipe the tears from my eyes.
    
"I-eh... I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that. Is there beside this... emotional pain any physical pain?"
   
"Headache," I answer.
   
Eastwood nods. "I'll get you something for that with dinner. It'll be brought in half an hour."
   
"I don't need food," I say. Maybe I am the little boy Evelyn sees when she looks at me.
   
"If you don't eat you can't leave," says Eastwood.
   
"Don't have to leave."
   
Evelyn and Eastwood glance at each other. Evelyn nods. Eastwood sighs and says, "All right. I'll get the medicines." He walks out of the room.
   
"Tobias..." starts Evelyn the moment the door clicks shut, but I stop her.
   
"I know what you're about to say. I'm not hungry."
   
"Which isn't healthy since it's been days since you had a proper meal."
   
"Days? I just lunched the other day! Ask Johanna, she was with me when I did. I even ate the extra muffin she gave me."
   
"You've been cold out for three days, Tobias. The kept you in a coma for one day, and it took you twice as long to wake up. So no, you did not lunch yesterday. I'm sorry."
    
"Mom, I just woke up ten minutes ago, and you're already screaming for me to eat something. Couldn't it wait a little longer?"
   
Evelyn stands and walks out of the room. I stare at the closed door flabbergasted. Ten seconds later she's back in the chair, trying really hard not to cry.
    
"I'm not going to ask you to understand," she says, "because I already know you won't. But I am going to ask you to listen and act upon it."
   
I look at her. What was that supposed to mean?
   
"I spent the last three days in fear. I was afraid you would never wake up again. I know you didn't stop when you saw those busses coming to you, Tobias. I didn't know..." Her voice fails working and her eyes glister with tears. "I didn't know it was this bad."
   
"I didn't order those busses, Mom," I say. "I want you to know that."
   
"I know," she nods. "But what I wanted to say is... it would be awful if you died. It would be like hell. I would probably take over the lifestyle you have now. But anyway, if you really can't take this anymore, go ahead. Kill yourself if you want it so badly. But I have a few conditions: do it when I'm not there and do it quickly. I'm not waiting to see you stop eating until you die; because I don't want to see you disappear. Am I clear?"
   
I nod. I'm so selfish. How come I never realized that I hurt people with the 'way of living' I know now?
   
"God, I'm such a bad mother that I let you kill yourself."
   
"Mom," I say. "I'm not gonna die."
   
She smiles. "When you get out of the hospital you're going to eat at my place. You owe me that one. That is, if my kitchen is still there."
   
"Still there?"
   
"I forgot the food when I heard the news about you."
   
"Mom! It wasn't that bad."
   
"You're my son; of course I worry about you. And how was I supposed to know it wasn't that bad when that front desk lady didn't answer when I asked her?"
   
"I'll get you a new kitchen."
   
"Uh-uh." She shakes her finger in front of my face. "I'll be fine. And you have enough to pay with a total-loss car and a few nights in the hospital."
   
Oh, right, my car. Forgot about it.
   
Fifteen minutes later a nurse comes in with food and medication. I take the bottle of water and take the pills. At first I ignore the food, because I really am not hungry. But then I see my mother.
   
When I let her inside the renewed Chicago half a year ago, I saw the time away had done her good. She was no longer the factionless leader with no bodyweight, but she was the Abnegation mother again who fixed the mismatched buttons of my shirt in the morning before I had to go to school.
   
The woman I saw then was gone quickly. Deep lines became visible at the corners of her mouth and eyes and she always looks tired. My doing.
   
But behind that look of helplessness and sadness is another emotion hidden: hope.
   
I can't let her down, not again.
   
I pull the plate closer to me and take a bite. The food is gross and difficult to swallow, but I do it anyway. And maybe more important: it stays down.
   
Evelyn smiles and seems to try as best as she can not to cry of happiness.

+ + +

The next day I was released from the hospital. Evelyn made me dinner that afternoon, as she promised. And I ate it, like I promised.
   
But the memory of Tris's embrace in the car stayed. I missed her more than ever, now that I had seen her for a few seconds. I'm desperately looking for a way to get her back without dying myself.
   
But I'm afraid that's not possible.

A/N - this is getting interesting...
But I'm not going to give spoilers. You really don't want to see my smile now. It's so much fun to know things that others don't. Oh, wow, I sound pretty mean now.

Be brave & stay alive