Tobias - after Allegiant ✔

30

"Tobias."
   
I turn to see where that sound came from. Tris stands behind me, no emotion on her face whatsoever.
   
"Look."
   
She turns around. Somehow she has no t-shirt on her back, even though there wasn't any signal of that on the front.
   
Tris falls to her knees, coughing, her back red with blood – her blood. Through the red are straight, darker red lines. I remember how Evelyn cleaned my back after Marcus beat me with his belt. The washcloths she used came red from my back, the same red as Tris's back is now.
   
I look down. In my hands is a belt. Drops fall from the leather. I look at it in horror and take a step back, to create distance between me and the belt, but that distance doesn't want to be created.
   
I look back at Tris. She's lying on the ground now, curled in a ball.
   
It's my fault. I did this. I've become the monster I never wanted to be. I tried to keep that monster out of my soul. I failed.

+ + +

I shoot up in my bed. My back and neck and forehead are wet with sweat. I run my hand over my forehead, trying to catch my breath, but it's no use. I let it be and just try to calm down, my head in my hands.
   
The image of Tris lying on the ground stays in my head and doesn't come out, but it has to come out, it has to go away, I don't want it.
   
My hands start shaking, so I know I'm panicking again. I've panicked so many times in the last four years it's almost calming.
   
I never meant to hurt Tris. I never wanted to, and I still don't want it. But apparently Marcus's cruelty is inevitable.
   
It was just a dream, Tobias, I say to my self. Don't be an idiot.
   
Before I can stop myself, I throw the blanket off my body and put my clothes on. In the dark I walk to the hall. Halfway I hit my toe against something. I curse under my breath and put on my shoes so it won't happen again. Then I take the keys of my car and limp outside to my car.
   
I have no idea how late – or early – it is right now, but it's still dark outside. I should've thought this through, or better: I shouldn't have done this at all. But I can't stop myself.
   
Stupid Johanna. If she hadn't told me I wasn't allowed to work for another week, I would've come there to work away my panic.
   
I drive over the quiet streets of Chicago to Millenium and park my car close to the entrance of the hospital. I push open the door and walk in a fast pace inside. There are a few people. A few are in the chairs in the hall, appearing to sleep. The lady at the front desk sits with her head in her hand, staring at the screen of her computer. Nobody notices me.
   
I walk in a bee line to Tris's room, on the third floor. I've walked these hallways so many times; I could do it with my eyes closed. And now it's dark, so that's basically the same as closed eyes.
   
When I finally arrive at Tris's room – in the corner of the third turn – I open the door. She's sleeping. Of course she is. Why did I think she would be awake even though it's still dark outside?
   
"Tris?" I say softly. "Tris?"
   
I shake her shoulder a little. She doesn't react at all. I panic even more. Why doesn't she react? Is she even alive?
   
"Tris," I say a little harder than before. "Tris, please wake up."
   
I shake her shoulder again.
   
"Tris!"
   
A faint moan escapes her lips and she turns to her side, her face away from me. I sigh relieved and stop shaking.
   
"Thank god. Tris, I thought you were dead."
   
She doesn't respond.
   
"Tris, can I please see your back?" I ask. She still doesn't say anything. "Tris, it's really important. I... I need to be sure that I... didn't to anything."
   
"Sleep." Her voice is soft and almost inaudible.
   
"Tris, I was standing with a belt in my hands and you fell to the ground." I'm getting desperate now.
   
"Not," she says. "Not weal. Sleep."
   
"Tris, I really need to know," I say. My vision is clouded. "I don't want... I'm sorry. Go get back to sleep."
   
Tris sighs and turns around to face me, one hand under her head, the other on her side.
   
"Tobias," she says. "You weally, weally cwazy."
   
"Tris, can I please see you back?" I beg.
   
"You dweam, not weal."
   
"I'm not sure about that anymore, Tris! And I'm just scared!" I sniff and say again, softer, "I'm just scared."
   
She laughs softly. "You Fouw. You not scawed."
   
"Four is still afraid of four things."
   
Tris sighs and sits up. "Look."
   
I lift up her gown. I can't see anything, it's too dark. I put a hand on her back, one that shakes as much as her hands, searching hills. I don't feel anything. It was all just a dream.
   
"See?" says Tris.
   
I sink down on the chair next to her bed. "Yes. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have woken you up for something stupid like this."
   
"Twue."
   
I kiss her forehead. "See you tomorrow."
   
Then I stand and I walk toward the door.
   
"Don't go." Tris's voice stops me. "You sleep."
   
"I will," I say. "At home. I'll come tomorrow morning."
   
"No," she says. "Come."
   
She moves to the side of the bed to make space for me. I smile, even though she can't see that in the dark, and lay down next to her.
   
"Just like the first time," I say. "What is Eastwood going to think about this?"
   
"Doesn't mattew," she says. "Love you."
   
I kiss her nose and drape an arm over her. I fall a sleep shortly after that, but not before Tris does.

+ + +

I wake with a start by a voice that says, "What are you doing here?'
   
I open my eyes and turn to the direction of the voice, and fall off the bed. I hit the ground hard with a thump. My ribs sting – they are still a little weak after the accident – and I groan.
   
"Just like the fist time, huh?" I mumble to myself. With one hand on my rib cage I sit up slowly.
   
"You are not allowed to be here," says doctor Eastwood. "The visiting hours didn't start yet."
   
"I know that, but there was something that made me come here," I say vaguely.
   
"Really? And what was that?"
   
"I..." I start, but I don't know how I have to describe what happened yesterday without looking like a fool by telling I had a nightmare.
   
"He in panic," says Tris suddenly, her voice sluggish from sleep.
   
"I can go away and come later," I say quickly.
   
"No, it's fine. You're already here anyway." He looks at me strangely. "Might as well help her getting her food in."
   
I try to throw flames with my eyes. He can't say that of her. She saved his life, for goodness sake.
   
"Hey!" I say and I stand. I probably don't look intimidating after he caught me falling of a bed, but I have to try. "If she didn't let herself get shot, you wouldn't even know who you were right now. A little respect."
   
"Tobias," says Tris soothing. I keep staring at him in anger.
   
A nurse comes in with food. Tris seems to be determined to hold that fork today. She lets it fall a few times during breakfast, but I don't have to help her hold it anymore.
   
When the nurse takes the plate away, Tris sits with a triumphant look on her face in bed.
   
"I knew you could do it," I say and I kiss her cheek.
   
She smiles. "Thank you," she says.
   
I frown. "For what."
   
"Fow not leaving. Always helping."
   
"Once a Stiff, always a Stiff," I say laughing. Tris laughs, too, and throws her arms around my neck.
   
Healing is a long process, the work of days on end until the body's cells are replaced and the cracks in the soul are filled up with the presence of someone else. Tris healed me, and the least I can do for her is being with her in her own process of healing, so that one day, I won't be walking through the front door of my apartment alone.
   
Tris is halfway there. The only thing needed right now, are secure steps, so she won't fall on her way. But if she reached this point this fast, it won't take long any more. I hope it won't, at least.

A/N - fire alarm at school went off for the second time in a week, but this time we actually had to go outside in. Freaking. Winter. Do they want us dead or something? It was so cold...

Be brave & stay alive