Call it Fate, Call it Karma

Self Pity

It had been two years since I'd last seen Julian or Fabrizio. Two very long and painful years. I kept in touch with Nick, Nikolai and Albert...Albert obviously, as we'd moved into a small apartment together, because shortly after the big incident, we all decided to split up so we could have more space between us and less drama, and I was the most compatible with Albert at the time so it only made sense.

Nikolai, Nick and Fab were still living in the old apartment. Nick's friend who owned it never really came back, so he practically gave it to him. How convenient!

I wasn't as close with them as I used to be, because I tried to avoid Fab as much as possible, and he did a damn good job at avoiding me too so I didn't visit them much, fearing that I'd run into him.

As for Julian...no one really knew where he was. He just disappeared after I told him everything about that sick plan...he ran away and never came back. After three months of searching, we gave up thinking he'd fled the city, or worse -- died. But our suspicions ended once Nick called up one day in clear distress, saying most of Julian's things were moved out of the apartment while they were out, and that his key was left on the kitchen counter.

I'd go through phases of violently hating him, thinking things like 'how the hell could a person just disappear like that without a trace and leave his friends behind?! What a fucking drama queen', to missing him dearly, thinking things like 'oh, poor Julian. I hope he's okay out there. I miss him so much, I'd do anything to hear from him.'

Albert stayed very close by my side the whole time I was messed up. I was just destroyed. Everything ached. I was losing weight rapidly. It's not like I purposely starved myself or anything, I just forgot to eat sometimes because I was either too busy crying, partying, sleeping with strangers, getting high and drunk, etcetera...but Albert was always there to make sure I was somewhat fed and hydrated. He'd even force me outside on the days where we had work and I just didn't feel like functioning like a normal human being. I was so grateful for that...if he didn't force me to go and make money, we wouldn't have been able to pay rent.

Because I was always feeling sorry for myself, I never really realised that Albert was probably feeling really depressed too. He'd known Julian the longest after all.

It was a little after the two year mark of Julian being gone and Fab and I ignoring each other, when I snapped out of one of my monthly depressive episodes after a night of hard drinking. I woke up quite early in the morning to vomit. When I finished and cleaned myself up, I stood up off the tiled floor and stared at my reflection in the mirror for a good five minutes. My droopy, bloodshot eyes had dark circles under them, and I was so thin that my cheekbones were very prominent. My pale skin had a slight yellow tinge to it, making me look very sickly. I looked like some sort of freaky vampire.

I soon looked up and on the corner of the mirror there was a sticky note, written by Albert, that had some scribbly writing on it. I plucked it off the mirror and squinted at it. It read:

Remember to take your vitamins! xx -Albie

Albert did things like that often. So I'm not too sure why that day it hit me so hard.

"I need to fucking stop." I said to myself through gritted teeth. I gripped the note tightly in my hand and held it to my chest with a deep breath. It encouraged me to jog out of the bathroom to make breakfast for Albert. 

It was time for me to stop sulking like a
fucking child and remind myself about a little thing called empathy...there's other people in this world that are feeling just as bad as I was, but they know how to hide it and be strong, whereas I was weak and wasted a portion of my life being miserable.