You Are My Home

New Feelings

I stayed watching the ocean once again, but this time tears were streaming down my face. I wasn't really sure why I was upset.

I am happy for Alex that I was sure of. Servando is perfect for her. I know for sure I am over her because even when was she was on my lap and I had my lips on her I didn't feel the electricity like I used to.

I think I am upset because I don't think I will ever find that. The only girl that I have ever loved and has ever loved me back was married.

What if it's me what if I am just impossible to love. I mean my own parents don't love me and they are supposed to love you no matter what.

I must have been there for a few minutes before someone sat next to me. I looked over thinking it was probably Allie or Lauren but was surprised it was Christen. For some reason that made the tears coming even faster.

"Should I go get Lauren or Allie?" She asked me.

I shook my head no.

"Should I leave?" She whispered. Once again I shook my head no.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head yes. I always felt better when I talked it out with someone. But I didn't know where to start. After a few moments of me not saying anything she asked a new question.

"Umm will questions help?"

I shook my head yes again.

"You are upset?"I nodded yes.

"Because of someone?"

"That's complicated."

"Is it Alex?"

"Partly." There was a longer pause than before. Like she was starting to put things together. Like remembering when she saw me after Alex got engaged.

"You guys were more than best friends?"

"Yes."

"Is she the reason you went to Paris?"

"Yes."

"To get over her?"

"Yes"

She paused before asking the next question. I can see her debating whether or not she wanted to ask the next question.

"Do you, did you, are you?" She sighed out obviously frustrated with herself.

"Am I what?" I see her struggling. She looked like she was talking to herself. All I could make out was like 'of course she is Christen but ...' She shook her head no as if she just talked herself out of it.

"Are you okay?" She asked instead.

"I'm okay."

"You said she was only partly the reason you are upset. Can you tell me what else is bothering you?"

At this I paused. Telling her about Alex was one thing, that was my past, but explaining how I struggle with depression, that I am a recovering alcoholic that I cause myself harm. That I don't have a family. That's a lot to put on a person. Especially someone who I just barely am friends with and have started to have a crush on.

"That's okay Tobin, you don't have to tell me. "

"Thanks. "

"Just know that you can always talk to me okay?"

"Thanks Chris. "

We sat there in silence for a while. I managed to stop crying. I stood up and pulled her up with me. I hugged her and she hugged me back as soon as her arms went around me electricity jolted between us. We started walking back I held the door open for her to go in first she stopped right before and looked back at me.