You Are My Home

Goodbyes

I ran out of the bathroom and threw on random clothes that I found. Allie was waiting by the door already with her keys in her hand. We ran out to the car and she drove to the hospital pulling right up to the door. "You go and I will park the car and meet you up there." I jumped out of the car and ran up the stairs and down the hallway to where Christen's room was. Gran was outside, her head popped up when she heard me coming. I was standing in front of her room looking in the window at Christen who was talking to Channing. They both had giant grins on their faces. Before I went into the door, Gran grabbed my arm.

"Tobin, sweetie I need to talk to you first."

"What is it Gran?" Still watching Christen through the window.

"Tobin? I need you to look at me, you need to hear something first."

"What is it Gran you are scaring me? Christen's okay right?"

"Well that's the thing Tobin. She is not entirely okay. She actually woke up about thirty minutes after you left yesterday at first we thought she was good. Then the doctors started to do some test on her. She was doing really well to start off, until we got to her memory.

It started off really well she knew who we all were she knew who she is, until we got to more recent memories. She thinks she still is in college Tobin. She doesn't remember her time in Sweden she doesn't remember her time with Chicago, she doesn't remember her time with the national team, she doesn't know who you are Tobin. I'm so sorry dear." I was sobbing hard at this news.

The love of my life doesn't even know who I am. I broke down onto the floor, just crying. Gran tried to comfort me, but I didn't allow her to I took off running. Somehow I made it to the same bench, where I tried to kill myself a few days ago.

She doesn't even know who I am. She doesn't remember all of our conversations, she doesn't remember any of our kisses, she doesn't remember me, she doesn't remember that she promised that she would never hurt me she doesn't remember that she promised that she would never leave me. She doesn't remember that she loves me.

What am I supposed to do now. Get her to fall in love with me again? I don't even understand how I was lucky enough to get her to fall in love with me the first time. Maybe this is a sign that she is never supposed to be with me. Maybe she was never supposed to be in love with me. I never did deserve her, maybe this is her opportunity to find someone better than me. Maybe this is my chance to not be a bad person, to do something for the benefit of someone else.

I think I need to let her go. I walked back to her room slowly trying to really understand what I was going to do, tears streaming down my face. I saw Allie talking to Gran outside of her room. As soon as Allie saw me, she sprinted over and wrapped me in her arms. "I'm so sorry Harry." After a few minutes I walked over to the window again Christen was still talking to her sisters.

"Gran, have you guys told her about me yet?"

"No sweetie we thought it might be best if you told her." I nodded my head good. I sat down outside of her room, trying to figure out what I was going to tell her. I mean she deserves a chance to love someone who can give her everything she needs, I knew that much, but could I still be in her life somehow? Maybe I could be her friend right? She needs friends, she si going to need people to help her try and remember who she is. But we were never just friends were we. I think I need to stay away from her entirely. Tears were streaming down my face harder. "Are you okay sweetie?"

"I'm not okay Gran, but I'm not who matters right now."

"Can you  not tell her about me please?"

"But Tobin...."

"Please Gran, she doesn't need to deal with me after all of this. She is going to have to figure who she is all over again. That's going to be hard enough. It's whats best for her."

"But what about you Tobin, you love her."

"I know Gran that's why I am doing it." She agreed with tears falling down her face. She then pulled something out of her pocket. It was the necklace I gave Christen , she handed it to me and walked away. 

Looking through the window I saw Gran enter Christen's room and sat down on one of the chairs in there I saw Christen's parents go and check on her. I should leave now, but I just can't leave yet. I just wanted to see her one more time. I turned my attention towards Christen who was chatting with Channing and Tyler, until she noticed her Grandma was upset about something. Channing and Tyler got up from where they were sitting and went to check on Gran too. I was too busy watching Christen and I guess Gran told the girls and the rest of the family about what I told her because, they all looked in my direction.

I looked back at them and gave them a weak smile. I could feel the tears coming down my face. I felt Christen's eyes on me this time, and so I turned towards her. Her head was cocked slightly to the side her eyebrows were knitted together and she was biting her lip, really concentrating hard. I gave her a megawatt smile and she immediately returned it with one of her own. God I love her, and then I walked away from the love of my life.

Allie following closely behind me. When we got outside she lead me over to her car. Once we got in she started driving back to the hotel. "Are you sure about this Harry?"

"Yes Allie, I'm sure."

"But you love her, she has made you the happiest you have ever been."

"But I haven't made her happy is the problem, she is constantly making me happy but I have put her through so much and now she has a whole piece of her life missing that she has to put together she doesn't need me. I will just cause her too many problems. Her family will take care of her."

"If you think that is what's best Harry, I am just worried about you."

"I'll be fine Allie, can we just go back to Portland please."

"I guess so, when we get back to the hotel I will find us tickets and everything."

The rest of the ride I was quiet. For the rest of the day actually. I mean of course I was sad, but I just felt empty inside. That actually went on for a while.

I was in Portland and , everything was the same as it was before Christen and I got together, at least it was on the outside. I trained harder than ever, I always had a soccer ball at my feet it was the only thing that helped me feel something again. I was doing great with Portland getting the most assist I have ever gotten and scoring here and there.Physically I was at my peak, but emotional I was at rock bottom.

I thought that I had already been through the worst things in my life. I thought that it couldn't get any worse than my own parents, the people who are supposed to love you no matter what, kicking me out, or watching the girl I love fall in love with someone else right in front of me, or the person that says they love me physically hurt me, I thought that was my rock bottom, but I was wrong. This was the most pain that I have ever been in.

  See what hurts the most was being so close. 

It hurts the most because I actually knew how much I am missing. In the small amount of time that Christen was in my life she made me the happiest I have ever been. She loved me, she loved everything about me the good and the bad, and I loved her I thought she was my happy ending. I still love her, but she doesn't even remember being the person I am in love with.