Nightmare

Chapter Eleven

Dezzy

When the food arrived Zack and I ate quietly.

I don't know why I was so nervous. But god I was beyond nervous. I wasn't sure what to say but I wanted to say something.

"Well, I just wanted to thank you for last night." I blurted out quickly

"No thanks needed." Zack smiled at me.

God he had been smiling at me all night. Being so sweet. Holding my hand. I didn't know what all of it meant but I was hoping for something that would probably end in disaster.

Suddenly Zack reached over and grabbed my left hand.

God I wish he hadn't because when he turned my hand over he ran a finger over my wrist.

I knew when he felt it, his eyes bugged out a little and he glared at me.

"What's this?" Zack exclaimed.

I tried to snatch my hand away but his grip was too strong.

"A really dark time in my life" I muttered unable to look into his eyes.

"So you tried to commit suicide? How long ago?" He demanded

I sighed, he sat threw my nightmares last night holding me. I guess it was only fair I told him the truth. Maybe not all of it. I didn't want him to know it was all over Jimmy but what I could.

"About five years ago" I whispered. I really didn't want to have this talk. I don't know what I was expecting of tonight but it definitely wasn't this.

"Why?" Zack whispered

"I was so lost without him. I mean we weren't together anymore. We hadn't been in so long but the world just didn't seem welcoming anymore. No world without him in it seemed like it was the place for me." I muttered trying not to cry.

"Dez, no, why weren't you together anymore?" Zack asked me.

I took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to word it so maybe he wouldn't know it was Jimmy.

"He wanted me to give up on my dreams and follow his." It was pretty much true. That wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the total truth either.

Jimmy didn't exactly want me to give up my dreams. He just wanted me to take a bigger part in his. He wanted me to postpone school meet his friends and do what his friends girlfriends did. Help with the band.

"Oh, so you basically told him to fuck off. You should've" Zack smiled.

I wish I could smile too. I wish I could tell him he was right but he wasn't exactly.

"Sort of" I muttered.

"Dezzy, what happened to him? You're obviously still hurt over his loss. Did you know him a long time?" Zack asked sweetly.

I could tell him now. I could tell him everything right now. He could know the truth but the needy part of me, the part of me that knew if I told him the kisses would stop, he wouldn't want to date his dead best friend's ex-girlfriend.

But I have to tell him something, "I met him when I was really young. I was thirteen. I met him in a store." I shrugged. Well that part was true too.

"How old was he" Zack asked me

"Fifteen." I blurted without thinking. "He was really nice to me. I didn't go to the public school because I was raised by my grandmother. My mom was a bit of a wild child, so when Nan got custody of me she was a bit strict. I didn't have any friends really."

"So he befriended you, that's nice." Zack smiled rubbing a finger across my scars.

"Yeah I was bullied by the kids in the neighborhood. Everyone thought I was stuck up but apparently he didn't think so." I smiled, god Jimmy was a doll to me then. He would walk me home from the private school I attended, sticking up for me.

"How'd you guys begin dating if you don't mind me asking?" Zack implored

"Oh um, when I was around fifteen he was making fun of me for never having a boyfriend or even having a kiss, so I told him he didn't either. He laughed and told me it was because he already had someone in mind but she was too shy and had never been kissed, so me being a smart ass even though I didn't realize he meant me I said well maybe you should kiss her and then she won't be so off limits. Next thing I know he leans down and kisses me." I laughed slightly at the memory. "He was really tall so you know he had to really bend to kiss me but he started laughing and goes good plan, so I did it what now?"

"That sounds like something Jimmy would have done." Zack laughs

I squirm slightly I attempted a laugh that even to virgin ears would sound fake.

"Really?" I asked trying to not give myself away.

"Yeah, he would have done something like that to a girl he liked. I remember this one chick back when we were younger, she was a little younger than us and didn't go to school with us but Jimmy had it bad for her. Her parents owned the corner store everyone in the neighborhood would go to because the owner's daughter was home schooled or something, so she tried very hard to fit in and would help everyone sneak out beer. Anyhow Jimmy really liked her and she had no idea. So I guess eventually he got up the nerve so ask her out or something. He told us it was because he finally kissed her, I never believed him, I think she got away because we never met her." Zack laughed "If she was really into him he would've brought her around he never did. He said it was because she didn't want to meet us but the girl was desperate for friends from what Katie, Jimmy's sister said. Anyway back to you what happened next?"

I smiled, he had no idea he was talking about me. I was that girl. Jimmy got her and had her for a long time.

"Well, I kissed him back. We never actually said anything really about it. It just happened. We were so in love. We had grand plans. Him doing what he loved, me taking the pictures. Everything was great for a few years until his career really took off and he would have to start traveling." I sighed.

"I guess I'm stupid because I'm not following." Zack muttered looking confused.

"Well I was in college. I couldn't travel with him while in school. Then he wanted me to meet his friends, I really didn't want to. I didn't agree with his lifestyle with them. It was dangerous." I muttered.

The anger I once felt towards Zack and the rest was rising again. He was part of that lifestyle. He contributed to what killed Jimmy.

Okay that's not fair. Not at all. Zack didn't force him to drink like a fish, take pills and drugs like crazy ruining his already damaged heart. Jimmy did that on his own.

"Okay, that makes sense. So how long ago was that?" Zack asked ripping me from my thoughts.

"Oh I  don't know around sixteen years." I muttered.

"So how did he die?" Zack asked me suddenly.

"Suicide." I state devoid of emotion.

I was still angry at him for that. People tried explaining his death by an accidental overdose, but, I didn't believe it. Jimmy always said he wanted to die before he was thirty and would be a legend.

He made it happen.

"How long ago?" He asked me quietly still rubbing my scar.

"About six years. I attempted it about six months after him" I sighed. I was attempting and failing at hiding my tears.

God it hurt to talk about Jimmy. I would no doubt have nightmares again.

"Dezzy I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I'm dressed to spend the night and sleep comfortably again." Zack smiled

"I'll be fine I hope." I whispered taking a huge gulp of Jack.

"I'll be here. I made a promise I'll be here" He smiled leaning over kissing my hand again.

He didn't seem to know anything and god how I hope I could keep it a secret.