Nightmare

Chapter Fifty-Seven

Dezzy's POV

The last few days of my life had been well, life changing.

There's no other way to explain it besides life changing.

In less than forty-eight hours I went from half dead, to new mom, to newly engaged with a borrowed ring.

It should have been the happiest hours of my life.

Somewhere in my heart, it was. But unfortunately it really wasn't.

I felt so sad. So depressed. Just completely lost. I couldn't explain it. Not that I wanted to. Everyone around me had smiles plastered on their faces. How could I voice my feelings and ruin their smiles?

Me? I could barely keep from crying.

I could not sleep, terrified that I would start talking in my sleep and Zack would hear it. Hear the words I could not speak.

Zack, god I love him. The minute our son was brought into the room, Zack never left his side. For that I was abundantly thankful. Our son needed someone.

Me? I couldn't hold him. Well I had, but it was in short intervals. Looking at him broke my heart.

Here was this beautiful child, my baby, that I wanted more than anything to love. To cuddle. To kiss. But looking at him terrified me.

Jameson is such a beautiful perfect baby, and I'm well me. Very far from perfect or even okay enough.

That child deserves a perfect mother. Something I am sure I'm not nor could I ever be.

Zack, despite his faults, is a good man. He deserves perfection as well.

Not just in a wife, but in a mother to his child. I know mom neither and could never fulfill their needs.

"Dez?" Zack whispered to me as I pretended to be asleep.

"Hmmm?" I mumbled

"I have to go home" he explained quietly squeezing my hand. "I need a shower, get the car seat and you a change of clothes to go home in. Hopefully tomorrow you can go home"

"Okay" I whispered, my voice hoarse.

"I'll see you soon baby" Zack softly murmured against my cheek. "I love you"

"I love you too" I sighed fighting my tears threatening to fall.

I landed there still as a statue until I heard the soft click of my room door closing.

I sat up and looked over at the small baby crib in my room holding my son.

Part of me wanted to hold him. Breathe in his scent, kiss his little fingers, but my crippling fear of somehow hurting him stopped me.

God I wanted to sleep. Really sleep. Since my son had been born I just couldn't sleep. I was terrified of having nightmares.

Also if the truth were to be had, I was more scared that I would close my eyes and I wouldn't want to wake up.

Part of me wished I hadn't survived the birthing of my son.

At least in death I couldn't disappoint him or his father.

"Desiree?" My day nurse smiled walking in with my afternoon pain meds.

"Hi" I muttered looking out of the window.

"Are you in pain?" She asked me as she always did.

"No" I shook my head. It was half true. I wasn't in any kind of physical pain. There were no medications to numb the pain of inadequacy.