His Boxy Smiles

Chapter 35

They managed to calm Jungkook down.

A doctor insisted to give Jungkook a room for him to rest but he refused strongly. Apparently, that doctor thought making him sleep would calm his nerves and racing mind but thankfully, his manager-hyung didn't agree.

So Jungkook sat on that plastic chair in front of Taehyung's room, staring and boring holes on the door.

He wanted to see his Tae but knew he couldn't.

What would Taehyung feel when he wakes up? Would he still be angry at them? Was he having a nightmare in his sleep at that moment? Would he even wake up?

Jungkook shook his head.

Of course, he'd wake up! Dr Lee said he just needed some rest that's all!

Jungkook had to calm down so he breathed through the oxygen mask they made him wear.

He absolutely did not know why he had to wear it. It was not like he couldn't breathe. But again, that doctor insisted.

His manager and hyungs were by the corner, discussing things that they didn't want the maknae to hear.

But oh he heard.

He heard Namjoon explain what happened that night. He heard their manager scolding them too.

"You knew Taehyung can't exert himself yet you left him all by himself! What were you guys thinking?!" was the last thing he let himself hear before he shut them out again.

That night was the worst out of all of their fallouts before.

Jungkook had never seen his hyungs that angry. He understood their anger but he just couldn't help but think that the argument they had that night could have been avoided.

It could have been avoided so why the hell didn't they?

Jungkook was hyperventilating again. He finally know what that unknown emotion tugging harshly at his heart since that night.

It was anger.

Anger towards his Yoongi hyung, who had let his frustrations get the best of him. Anger towards his Hoseok hyung who didn't do anything when he was supposed to be the hope of the group. He's angry at the eldest because he could have asked everyone to stop and they would because he was the oldest. He's angry at Namjoon because as the leader of the group, he should have been able to realize that what they were doing was wrong. He should have been able to keep everyone calm that night. Jimin. Oh, that hyung angered him the most.

He was the one that pulled Jungkook out of the room. He was the one that made Jungkook follow the rest of the hyungs out that hospital and left Taehyung all alone when he clearly knew that his best friend hated being alone the most.

Heck, all of them knew that but nobody stayed. They were selfish. They let their frustrations and anger about being helpless when Taehyung's suffering take control of their minds and body.

They took that frustration on Taehyung when the boy was already suffering through enough!

He wanted to blame them for Taehyung's condition. He was angry with them but above all, he was angry with himself.

Yes, he was the maknae but he could have voiced out how stupid they were being and maybe this whole thing wouldn't even happen. He could have pulled his arm away from Jimin's grasp and stayed with Taehyung to comfort him that night. Maybe he could have prevented Taehyung from reopening his wound. Maybe he could have prevented Taehyung from crying himself to sleep. From exerting himself and catching a fever. A high fever at that!

Jungkook balled his hands into fists.

He was so angry he might just burst!

"Kookie?" Jimin appeared beside him, concern staining his expression and tone. "Are you having another panic attack?"

Jungkook's anger heightened.

Why does he care? Why does anyone care? Taehyung's the one in that room, sleeping through a nightmare because he's sick and yet here was his Jimin hyung worrying about him.

When Jimin touched Jungkook's shoulder, it burned through the maknae's clothes.

"Don't touch me!" he yelled, flinching away from the touch.

"K-Kookie, calm down," Jimin was hurt at the violent reaction but he let it slide, worried more about the younger.

Jungkook's inner voice was scolding him for yelling at his hyung but he couldn't help it.

He'd caged this anger for far too long. This anger wasn't just piled up from two nights ago. This anger was piled up from the day of Taehyung's accident.

He knew that if he kept pushing this anger away, it'd get worse. But he also knew that if he let it burst now, his hyungs would be at the receiving end of it.

He didn't want that to happen. If he burst now, he'd hurt his hyungs. He'd vent out all his anger towards them. Anger that was far greater that what they deserved.

"Kook?" he heard Namjoon say.

Then he realised that all of his members were surrounding him now.

'No. Stay away!' he screamed inside his head.

Tears were rolling down his face.

He couldn't help it.

Again, flashes of Taehyung's bloody clothes replayed through his mind. The accident. The flat line of the heart monitor. The deafening silence when Taehyung wouldn't wake up. And all the times his Taehyung hyung had to scream from his sleep from a nightmare.

"Breathe, Kookie," Jin approached. "Just breathe."

Jungkook tried not to pry his Hoseok hyung's hand off of him when he felt it touch his back.

'No. Please. Go away!' he screamed in his mind once again.

He was full out sobbing by then and that didn't help his desire to be left alone by his hyungs because the next thing he knew, he was being engulfed in a tight hug by Yoongi.

Of all people, Yoongi was the one who had to do that.

Jungkook knew that he should be comforted. He knew that he should be happy because his Yoongi hyung doesn't just hug people like that.

But he wasn't delighted at all.

He was infuriated.

It took all in him not to push him away.

He didn't need their hugs or comfort. He needed Taehyung to be okay. He needed this anger to dissipate and never come back.

He needed the universe to be less cruel and give them back his Taehyung hyung's boxy smile. The one that was not hiding his pain away. The one that was offered because of the hardships he went through and that he's finally okay. The one that Jungkook could identify as the smile he'd always seen before the accident.

He needed BTS to be BTS again. Not like this. Never like this. He hated it like this.