His Boxy Smiles

Chapter 43

The next morning, Taehyung woke up with a start from a horrible nightmare.

His hands were shaking. In fact, his whole body was trembling. He was gasping for air as he tried to minimise his movements. He couldn't afford to irritate his wounds any further than he already had.

He's been having the same damn nightmare all the time and yet it never seemed to affect him any less if not more.

"I can't do this," Taehyung whimpered.

He needed his members there.

But they weren't.

Then he remembered the bear.

It wasn't in his arms even though he was sure he slept with it clutched to his chest.

That's when he became aware of not just the bear but also his Nick Wilde stuffed toy on the desk in front of him like it had been the previous day.

With shaky hands, he grabbed both and hugged it tightly to his chest as if it's his life support.

On the table was also another card. The same material and size. But this time, the handwriting was of Yoongi's.

We're still here. Get well fast, kid.

Taehyung's clutch on the stuffed toys tightened.

He wanted to cry.

Just yesterday, J-Hope sent the bear and the message and now Yoongi? He didn't know how to feel about it. He's stuck between confusion and joy.

He's undeserving of this and yet his hyungs were still thinking about him. Giving him their best effort to somehow comfort him even when he's isolated.

This didn't stop there. The next day, early in the morning, he'd woken up to his nurse coming in with another stuffed toy. His lion plushie.

As usual, a card came with it. It was from Namjoon this time.

Receiving that card, he was convinced that his members still hadn't given up on him.

All of us are coming by everyday even though we're still not allowed in your room. Strengthen your immune system quickly! The kids are getting sulkier each day. They want to see you. Also, Hoseok bugged me to remind you to hug the bear every time you wake up from a nightmare or whenever you needed the hug. But really, see the stuffed toys the nurses help pass to you as our poor representatives. We'd want to be the one there instead but we can't exactly do that so I hope they somehow give you company.

I must imagine it be really quiet there right now. Don't fear the silence, Tae. You're not alone. I'm here.

That was so far the longest message he'd ever gotten so when he flipped the page, he didn't expect to see Hoseok's handwritten amends: We're here.

It was just like his Namjoon hyung; words of assurance and trust always at the tip of his tongue. Well, in this case, at the tip of his fingers. Very leader-like and hyung-like indeed. Almost like he was actually standing right there and telling him all these things. It almost made Taehyung believe him. That they come by every day. That they were still there. That they hadn't abandoned him like he feared. Like he hadn't hurt them. Like nothing went wrong.

But after what Taehyung's said and done? Of course no one would stay by his side! He refused to believe his hyung's words for fear that he'd be let down and crushed even more.

The next he got was a white dog, much like his Soonshim but smaller. It represents Jin. Of course it didn't come in alone.

We talked to your doctor today. Turns out, manager hyung forgot to tell us that you've been vomitting a lot for the past few days. Thank god last night you didn't vomit so much. Your fever's almost gone too.

I'm worried. Your doctor also said that you've been listening to him obediently unlike before but I still must say that I'm still really concerned. I'm like an older brother to you and your like a younger brother of mine so I can't help myself.

You still have a relatively weak immune system so please keep up the pace you're doing if not more. I want to see you soon too. The dorm is not the same without you, with a missing member.

I wish I'm by your side right now so that I can assure you that you're not alone but the puppy plushie would have to suffice for now. (If only I have x-ray vision to see through the wall to check on you but that'll be really creepy so...)

Hang in there, TaeTae.

With shaking hands, Taehyung placed the card together with the rest on too of the bed side drawer.

Even after what Taehyung had done, his hyung was still worried about him.

This was all too much.

One more of this kind of gesture and Taehyung would be crushed by so much guilt.

He didn't deserve this. He'd done nothing but cause them pain, stress and problems. If anything, he deserved to be punished; isolated, forgotten and left to his misery.

Taehyung wanted to push the soft toys away, tear all the cards he'd received and cry. But no matter how much his inner demons wanted to, his heart swelled and his face contorted to bittersweet sadness and longing. He didn't have the heart to do it.

He wanted to see his members and tell them how much he was sorry. Tell them how much he missed and love them. He wanted to hug them and beg for their forgiveness. He wanted to make it up to them. To tell them all of these; all of his thoughts, nightmares and self-hatred because they deserved that much if not more. He wanted to tell them how much he's thankful and blessed to have them. How much they kept him alive and not a shell of what he used to be. He wanted them to know that he appreciates them so much that it was beyond words. That it couldn't be possibly expressed in words.

He wanted to tell them.

For the first time in his stay in the hospital, he was willing to tell them everything. He wanted them to see how ugly and broken he'd become and let them fix him just like how they've been trying to break down the walls he'd built around him.

However, he knew that even if his members were to be there right now, he wouldn't be able to do it. He knew that this sudden courage would disappear the moment he sees them. That he'd be plunged into silence by his constant fear instead. He just knew it.

He's a trembling frightened mess just thinking about it and it was understandable. Thinking of just speaking of his inner demons was scary. No matter how much will he possesses, it'll never be enough to actually make him do something to counter it. To do something about it.

Once again, Taehyung's a silent crying mess. He hugged all the soft toys so tight even as he fell asleep that night.

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#notmybestwork
#sosorryT.T