His Boxy Smiles

Chapter 51

Dear BTS

I'm sorry for what happened that night...
I didn't mean to shout back. I didn't mean a word I said.
I never meant for anything of this to happen. I didn't realise enough how much you guys are bothered and conflicted over not knowing what was going on with me. I didn't know that I made you feel useless and hopeless by not talking. I'm sorry. It isn't anything like that.
If anything, even though you didn't know, your presence alone is more than the comfort I needed. Your presence alone keeps me grounded. Knowing that you guys are by my side provides me a warmth that keeps me in reality and not stuck in my nightmares. So I wish I could take back whatever I said that night because I didn't want you to leave. I do need you guys. I still do. If anything, I'm a lost cost right now.

What happened that night... Please don't blame yourselves. I completely understand why you guys finally blew. It's my fault.
I was scared to speak of it.
I keep blaming myself for everything. I still do.
But you guys are a family to me and you deserve far more than what I was offering. So I'm writing this. I can't tell you face to face. I'm a coward that way, I've always been. So here it goes...

I know I died.
Multiple times.
And I really appreciate that you guys tried so hard to keep it a secret from me. But when I sleep I get horrible images, voices and frightening sounds back in nightmares that felt so real. They felt that way because it really did happen.

Every time I sleep or so much as close my eyes for five minutes, I would see the same damn thing.

The nightmares... They take me back. They haunt me relentlessly and make me go through it over and over again.

Sometimes I'd be standing out on the streets, forced to watch the accident happen by the sidelines. I would see the truck, hear its deafening honk, see its headlights, then watch it wreck the car I was in. I didn't even hear myself scream. Probably because I didn't but everything happened so fast.

Watching it hit me straight on from the outside isn't as horrifying as being inside the car itself and having to go through it again....

Most of the nights, I'm forced to go through the whole accident.

It was green.
The traffic light was green.

But the next thing I knew, there was that familiar screeching sound of the truck. When I turn, I would see its headlights moving straight towards me. Everything was supposed to happen fast because it did. Before I even knew it, I was out. But in my nightmares... Everything is painfully slow. I would hear the sickening clank of metal hitting against metal. I would hear the crack of the window as the side of my head was rammed to it by the force of the impact. I heard my neck almost snap like twigs.

But those weren't the worst. The worst was the pain right after.

I felt it...
I felt it crushing my side.
I felt the unbearable pain as the piece of metal peirced through me.
I felt shards of glass planting itself all over my neck and shoulder.
I felt it all... As if its happening to me all over again.

I'm not supposed to feel pain when it's not actually happening right? But I do. Why do I feel that excruciating pain even when I've gone past that? I'm safe now aren't I?

But the nightmares didn't end there.

I would be surrounded by darkness and silence after. Then I would hear my own heartbeat stop.

My heart stopped beating.
I was dead.
I...

That's how I knew I died. And it scares me beyond belief.

Maybe that's why I can't tell you guys. I was afraid that if I speak of all these, I would realise more than I already do... that I really did die. Perhaps by saying all these out loud, it would hit me really hard and so I didn't.

I'm a wreck.
I'm broken.
Beyond repair in my opinion.
I feel like I'm always in a constant swirl of pain and darkness.
I don't feel like me anymore.
I feel like I'm dead. That Kim Taehyung is dead.
I'm not the same anymore and that scares me.

I keep thinking to myself that what if I told you all that and you leave me? I mean, you can't care for me or love me anymore if I'm no longer the Kim Taehyung I used to be. All that's in my head is death. All I think about is my demise... up to a point where sometimes I would think that I should have just died right then and there because that way, I wouldn't be in so much pain anymore. That way, I wouldn't be a burden to all of you anymore. That I wouldn't be a shell of who I used to be anymore...

Would you really still stay by my side if you knew all of these? Would you still stay by my side if all I think about is death?

My greatest fear is that you would leave me, abandon me. I know it's angering you that I would think this way but I can't help it. And I still do... I still think about all of this. But then, time and time again, you guys keep me in check. You were the ones that I look to to make sure that I remain sane and that I don't destroy myself completely. Even without knowing what went through my head, you guys still provided more than the company and comfort that I needed. You made me feel loved although that little annoying voice inside of my head blinded me for so long.

You guys are my pillar of support, my glue. I've put you guys through so much and yet you're still there, sending me stuffed toys and cards. You still worry about me even though I think I don't deserve any of it. You're still here even when I'm pulling you down with me.

Why? Why would you do that? I don't deserve any of this. I don't at all! I'm a dead weight. A person who's too tired to breathe and live. I think about killing myself, wishing I just died that night! I want myself dead and yet you're still trying to put back my pieces. Why would you love this kind of Kim Taehyung? Why?

I didn't understand then and I still don't understand now. Not at all. And I want to understand so you have to make me, okay? You promised me that you'd stay. That you'd never leave and that I am not alone in this.
I doubted you then and there's still a small part of me that's doubting you guys now because honestly, my heart is too weak to be taking another hit.
I can't afford another pain.
I'm not even sure if I can hang in there any longer. I can feel myself slipping away and I am terrified. I don't want to be in constant fear anymore. I don't want to be in pain all the time.
So please don't leave me. I beg of you. Please keep your words. I can't possibly go through this without you guys. I want to smile again, a smile without any hidden sadness. I want to laugh at things that I used to without my inner demons telling me that I don't deserve to live. I'm trusting you guys with this and I am so sorry for giving you that kind of burden.

I am so sorry that I can't even express how sorry I actually am. I hope that you'll forgive me.

Please save me...

Love,
Taehyung