His Boxy Smiles

Chapter 61

When Taehyung flinched awake around 3 am, he was pleasantly surprised to see Seokjin's head lying peacefully by his hand.

He was asleep.

And Taehyung was glad.

Looking closely at Seokjin's face, he could clearly see the dark circles under his eyes and he wondered, is he not getting enough sleep even back at the dorm? It was more than likely and it worried him.

He started carding his hand through Seokjin's hair, eliciting a pleased sound from the elder as his thoughts started. Thinking and letting his mind run free was dangerous but he couldn't help it, especially hearing what he had before he'd fallen asleep.

'Just let me watch over you for a little longer... to calm my thoughts...'

'...so don't ever leave, Tae...'

"Why would I leave, hyung?" he asked quietly, watching as Seokjin shifted under his touch but remained asleep. "I'm not going anywhere..." You don't have to be afraid of such a silly thing...

The statement didn't just apply to Jin, it applied to everyone because he needs it gone- no, they need it gone. They need that guilt to go away, that same guilt that has them deep in its clutches, pulling at their insecurities, wounded and immobile- stuck so that they could never be truly be at peace with all that had happened.

Everyone makes mistakes. There are times when people say things they never mean. It causes conflict, anger, all kinds of hurt, and it is never okay or acceptable. However people learn and can be forgiven. People repent, move on and make it up to each other. They heal and make an effort to change what they can change and that's what really matters. They know that. He knows that. So, why did it seem like they didn't and that he doesn't?

Taehyung wanted them to heal and they have been for a while but how come he was healing faster? What's got them still stuck even when they have constantly proven to Taehyung that they were sorry?They were constantly apologising, constantly taking care of him, constantly showing him love and affection, and yet nothing they have done seemed to prove to themselves that they could finally take comfort in knowing that Taehyung was okay, that he was smiling, laughing, happy. They were forgiven and yet their self-hatred and self-doubt was still eating at them strongly, making them go blind as they slowly become victim to their own deceiving thoughts and unrealistic beliefs.

It didn't help that Taehyung hasn't even seen the full extent of his member's insecurities. In his current state, he couldn't really do anything about it besides doing what he had been doing.

And it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough so he thought and he thought and he thought. He kept thinking about it that as a result, when the sun came, and with little sleep, his attention were bound to waver more than usual. Just like it had the first day he reunited with his hyungs, Jimin and dongsaeng, he swam through the dark recesses of his mind purposefully, looking for a memory he knew not (at least not yet)...

...because perhaps, if he dug deep enough, he could find something that could address the block that had been obstructing his members from progressing away from all the negative things that had stubbornly cemented itself to their head and into their hearts.

And it was okay because Taehyung knew that if he fell too deep, back to the void, they would pull him back.

It was okay because they were worth it.

When it hit Taehyung, it hit him hard and quick. It came out of no where, out of the blue, all too suddenly. However, unlike before, he wasn't as scared to his core as he usually would have. It didn't cause him to hold his breath for too long, leaving him paralysed and mentally imprisoned. He didn't break into cold sweat or panic when that familiar darkness overtook his present. Instead, he felt calm and warm, safe, because what plagued his mind and blurred the lines of present and past was not the usual traumatising scene he was forced to relive again and again.