letters to hazel

Four

-Hazel-

Harry: I'm sorry I got so mad at you at the signing about the book. I haven't finished it all yet but I like it and had nothing to be mad about. It's bringing back so many positive memories and you have such a beautiful way about writing about the two of us.

Harry: It's Harry by the way.

The text shocked me. I was shocked to wake up and see a text from Harry, especially an apology. I didn't know how to react and had to read the words to myself a few times over before I could comprehend them. 

He was sorry for getting mad at me. He knew he had over reacted. He thought I wrote beautifully. The words were validating to me and I couldn't help but feel at ease hearing that he had thought these things. I was happy to hear from him this soon and the small piece of me that was still a hopeless romantic thought highly of this small interaction. My mind immediately began wandering to the world where Harry and I could be together. 

That world thought was sooner after interrupted my reality when I received a call from Adam.

"I want to see you today", he said, no introduction or small start. He jumped straight to what he really wanted to talk about.

"Alright, come over but I just want to talk to you about something and ask you some questions", he said and I felt nervousness take over me as it always did when someone wanted to talk about something.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"It's the kind of thing you talk about in person", he said," but I'm in the car and I'll be to your place in like a half an hour so you don't have to wait long, okay?"

"Okay, see you then", we said our goodbyes and I stared at my phone screen for a while. I went to my text conversation with Harry and decided to respond. If Adam was going to take this leap of faith and talk to me about something important I might as well just text Harry. 

Hazel: You don't have to apologize for anything, Harry. I understand how you could be mad over it and how you could see me writing a book about us as a bad thing or just a publicity thing but you and I both know I would never do that. 

I threw my phone in my purse and got Jade ready for another day of preschool. I wanted to home school her for the longest time. I wanted to protect her from the world and the ridicule she may face in life but I'm glad I didn't. She was an extremely bright girl, she loved school, and if I were to take something she loved so much away from her I wouldn't be doing my job as a mother. 

Jade blabbed my ear off the whole car ride to school and when she finally got to her classroom I was alone with my thoughts. I felt that same nervousness again that I had felt on the phone with Adam. Now I was nervous about the text I had sent to Harry. It felt odd to have these two guys that I really liked actually talking to me. This much attention was something I wasn't used to all at once. I wished that the ride back from Jade's school was longer because before I knew it I was home and Adam's car was sitting in front of my house.

"Jade still loving school?", Adam asks meeting me on my front porch as I unlock the door.

"Loves it. She used to never want to leave me and now shes like "Leave Mom" its hilarious but also so sad, they grow up so fast", I explained and he smiled lovingly but also in away that made me think he was giving me sexy eyes.

"I think every parent experiences that with their child. My mom said I cried on the first day of school but as the days went on I was excited to leave her", he explained and the two of us both laughed. Silence began to fill the room and the two of us just looked at each other. It was odd at first to just be looking him in the eyes but as the time went on it felt like a connecting and romantic gesture.

"What did you have to talk to me about?", I practically whispered to him. He looked down to my lips and smirked at me which made me look away. I wanted him to answer my question more than I wanted to be romantic and sexual with him.

"I really like you, Hazel. You are so much more real than any other girl I have talked to. You are so kind, smart, creative, beautiful, you're everything. Everyday I can not stop thinking about you and what I think you and I could be together", he took a breathe and just smiled at me for a second again, " I just wanted to know if you would be my girlfriend."

I knew that was were he was going but the hear the question was such an odd thing to me and I had no idea how to react. I had a lot to think about with a question like this. I had to most importantly think about what was best for my daughter. I didn't want to have a man around her if she didn't have the same love for him that I did. I wanted her to have positive male role models in her life and men who were constant. I wanted to tell Adam no solely on the fact that I didn't want to get my daughter invested in someone but I had to think about what I wanted in someone.

"Yeah", I finally said breaking the silence with a smile and he kissed me. His pushed his lips against mine in passion and I kissed back, not feeling anything particularly special but I did feel a passion there that I hadn't felt in a long time.

"I thought you were going to say no", he said and I smiled, "Come on lets go get some lunch."

I grabbed my purse and checked my phone. I saw was a text from Harry. I had no idea what it said and at this moment in time I didn't even care. I felt so happy with Adam that I didn't want to taint this moment with any feelings or thoughts of Harry. This wasn't about Harry or the love I still held for him. It was about me finally moving on and finding a love similar to the one I had with Harry, inside of someone else. 

All I Want is You// Barry Louis Polisar