letters to hazel

Eleven

-Hazel's P.O.V-

"Did you feel sick this morning, doll?", I asked Jade as soon as we arrived home and I had carried her onto the couch. Our car ride home was silent because I knew that if I tried to talk to her too much it would only make her feel worse. 

"A little bit", she whimpered and I frowned. Her head was laying in my lap and I was searching through the channels on TV with one hand, while the other was playing with her blonde hair.

"You should have told me."

"You had plans today, Momma. I didn't want to ruin it", she said and I frowned. Children are so much more aware than any of us give me them credit for. They are listening to our adult conversations, even if you think they aren't, and retaining all the information they can.

"You wouldn't have ruined anything little one", I told her leaning down and placing a kiss on her temple. I turned on a cartoon movie and left to the kitchen to begin doing dishes. Jade was contempt now. She had crackers to eat if she ever got hungry, water to keep her hydrated, a bucket just in case she had to throw up and couldn't make it toilet. She had everything she needed for now, so for a moment I got lost in thought. 

I was thinking about Harry. I was thinking about how he reacted to Jade. Anyone can look at a picture of a baby and think its cute, but he had such love in his eyes. He was looking at her wish such awe, like she was the most beautiful thing in the world. In a way, that scared me. I was happy not knowing who the father was just because it was easier that way. I knew that it would be hard on her to be split between two parents, or to have a father that never fully cared. Was any of that heart ache really worth it?

I couldn't help but think though that if Harry were her father, it wouldn't be like that though. She wouldn't be torn between to parents questioning if they ever loved her. She wouldn't have to deal with the heartache of loving a person, your own parent, that never fully cared enough to love you back the way you need. He would care. I knew that for a fact if Harry were her father, if Harry were to be anyone's  father he would be devoted, giving, constant, and honest. 

Just being with Harry made me contemplate my relationship with Adam. We were only a few weeks in to our relationship and nothing really had changed. It still felt like him and I were only friends, never truly affectionate in a way that I wanted. He was over protective though and I felt like he had no right to be, I hated that. Him and I weren't serious enough for him to be like that. 

Speak of the devil...

"Hello"

"You know there are pictures of you two all over the internet, on E! News, everywhere", Adam said frustration in his voice, " If you want I'll send you pictures."

"Uh sure yeah", I said and in a matter of seconds my phone was vibrating and I was updated with pictures of Harry and I drinking coffee together and hugging goodbye. 

"You really hugged him?", he said, I walked into the other room of my house hoping that the walls would muffle all of this conversation I was about to have. I didn't my daughter to hear any of what was about to happen, weather it was good or bad she didn't need to be involved. 

"Yeah we are friends, Adam. Friends can hug and go out for coffee and it doesn't have to be a romantic thing", I raised my voice a little and I could hear him get angry on the other end. 

"I know what you two though. A simple kiss on the forehead means something coming from him, Haze. I know that."

"Just days ago you were telling me "trust is key, I trust you, I'm not worried about it", what happened to that?"

The other end of the phone went silent and he knew I was right. He told me he trusted me, he wanted to me to have a relationship with Harry and was confident in what him and I had. Was it all just words with him? I couldn't keep up with someone, or even be involved with someone who wasn't going to keep there word. I had too much going on and too much to lose to give my all to Adam if he wasn't serious.

"I just... It's Harry who I don't trust", he said and I shook my head. 

"And what reason do you have not to trust him?", I was defensive over Harry, "you don't even know him."

"Do I have to know him? He kidnapped my best friend, my girlfriend. I read the book on the two of you and you are expecting me to trust him around you", I could feel blood run to my face in anger. 

The only person who was allowed to be mad at Harry anymore was me, maybe my parents. I didn't know Adam when all the things that happened with Harry happened. He has no right to act like he knows the type of person Harry is. I've said it a million times, Harry did a bad thing but he is not a bad person. I know that in my heart Harry is kind and has good intentions. For Adam to act like he was my protector, like he knew everything about everything really made me mad. 

"You don't have to trust him around me. I trust him with my life, I trust him around my daughter even, and that is all that matters."

"Don't say that", Adam started, disgust in his tone, " You don't trust him around your daughter."

"I do."

"Hazel, how dumb can you be sometimes. This is the most pathetic thing I have heard you say in the whole time I have known you. A man manipulated you and kept you from the outside world, that is not the kind of man you should trust. Let alone the kind of man you should be having your daughter around."

And now Adam thought he knew how to be a parent. 

"We're done, Adam. Seriously, do not call me again, don't text me, don't come to my house. We are fucking done", I started yelling, " How dare you think you know what kind of men I should have in my daughters life, you aren't a parent and you sure as hell aren't in a position to be making decisions for other people's children. I would sure as hell rather have my daughter around someone like Harry before I had her be around someone as aggressive, judgmental, and possessive as you."

I went to end the call but I heard Adam calling my name on the other side so I brought it back up to my ear. The fact that I was giving him a chance to even talk to me, he was lucky. I was done with him, never again would I associate myself with him. But, because we were such good friends and because I am not a horrible human being, I give him a final chance to talk to me.

"Hazel, don't do this. You'll regret it. Please", he continues to beg and all I can do is hang up the phone, setting it down on the bed next to me, and holding my head in my hands.