letters to hazel

thirty

As soon as he knocked on the door, it was like I ran to the door to open it for him and I didn't want to waste any time.

"Hey", I said as he walked into the door in silence, he just walked in and sat down on my couch. I sat so that our legs were touching a little but I could still look at his face. He looked worried and tired. I could all the stress in his eyes as he tried to avoid eye contact with me. He had papers in his hand and I couldn't help but wonder what he had. Did it really matter what he had? I'm sure I was just being nosy.

He was wearing a pair of baggy grey sweatpants and a hoodie. His hair was a mess and he looked warm. I just wanted to hold him int this moment

"Hi."

"I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I can't be more open towards you. Me trying to be open with people is something I have really had to work on and I am being extra hard on opening up to you because of our history and I don't think it should be that way and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how harsh I am being towards you."

"Harsh is not the right word for it", Harry began, "You have the right to be closed off, it's normal, just be honest with me. All I ask is you to be a honest. I would bend over backwards so that you could be your best self, Hazel. I just need you to be honest."

He was coming off so much softer than I expected him to be. He was mad before, he was fuming the last time that we were together and I was expecting a reaction more like that. I felt like I should be more in the wrong. I felt like he had every right to be mad at me but he was acting level headed. He was allowed to be a little mad too, yet he wasn't acting like had the other night at all. I didn't say anything because I felt like more had been resolved in this short amount of time than I thought and he began to speak again.

"I was way too mad at you at first. I think I really overreacted in some ways and I am sorry for that. I put you in a position that you shouldn't have to be in and being confronted by me like that was not something I should put you through. I feel like if you and I have a future together, those moments will come up and we will fight but the way I handled it was not any way I would like to handle a relationship with anyone. I'm sorry for that."

"It's okay", I put my hand on his and rubbed my thumb in the most comforting manner, " I like what we have going and I'm sorry that I couldn't admit it the other day."

"You don't have to rush into anything", he said, "Just please don't be scared of me."

I guess that was the elephant in the room in all of this. I fought him on how I was never scared of him. I never was scared of Harry like that and I knew he would never put a hand on me. I was confident in that but maybe I was scared of him on a different level that I wasn't entirely sure of. Maybe there wis this underlying fear of him that I didn't know to explain or didn't directly fear. It was something I needed to think on and work out if it was really there.

"I'm not", and I gave him a soft smile before going to where I had placed the letters that I wanted him to see, "I want you to read these, I don't know. I found them with all my stuff from you I keep and I was just reading through all the stuff trying to find something to get me in the right mindset. It's weird but I think you would like it. I would write letters back whenever I read the ones from you."

"That's cute", he took them from my hand and started with his. I watched him as he read and I hoped that he wouldn't be upset from anything that he had wrote in the past. I felt like he was obvioiusly a different man than who he was when he wrote all this and I didn't want him to feel like he was still that perosn. He was better than the person who wrote this.

" I still feel a lot of this. I feel like I never respected you in some of the smallest ways and I feel like I didn't take your feelings into consideration and this was just the beginning of me being really reflective about you. I just wanted you to know that I love you and have always loved you. I hope that shows."

"It does", I leaned over and kissed him quickly. Based on the look on his face, the kiss came as a surprise but he liked it. It felt like the right thing to do to show him I appreciated his words in this moment.

"This is the one I wrote back to you", I said as he unfolded the letter. I watched him read at first but I grew nervous. Harry had read my whole entire book which was very honest and was all of my writing but this was different because of the moment. It was different because I was with him and I didn't have to watch him read my book like I was watching him read this letter right now.

When he was finished he just looked up at me and I just began to speak to fill the void of silence.

"I felt really mature writing that at the time and I think it really just shows how I felt about myself during everything. A lot had changed after a year and at the time I felt more mature than I ever had but I also had felt like I was a child being cared for by my parent's like I never had before. I just wanted you to see where I was with myself and be proud of me an-"

"I am proud of you. You have always had a way with words", he brought his hands up to hold my face, admiring me before leaning it for a kiss. This one lasting longer than the peck I had given him just a couple seconds ago. His hands found their way to my back while mine were on the back of his neck lightly pulling on the hair as the kiss depended. I moved my hands slowly, almost so that he wouldn't see me moving down to his wasteband teasing lightly before just moving them up his shirt to feel his body. He pulled away.

"I want this", he whispered, our forheads pressed together and our eyes locked, "But I have something for you to."

I sat up and pushed my hair behind my ears as he handed me the envelope.

"I'm almost 100 percent sure it's the results", he started, " and if you wanna read this alone and have me come back later you can. If you want me here while I read this, I'll be here for you always just let me know."

"I need a drink", I changed the topic, leaving the couch bringing the envelope with me. It was thick, I felt through it with my fingers contemplatting everything.

I had so many ideas of what I was going to do and what I wanted to come from this but now that the moment was here I was more confused than ever. I had no idea how to feel now that the answers to such a question were finally here. I had thought through this sometimes. I had wondered what I really wanted over and over again. I could never decide what the right thing to do was when I was younger but now all the answers were here. I felt lost but I also felt like something good was coming to my daughter. I was able to give her something more now and that should be good enough.

"I'm nervous", I said sipping at my water. I could tell Harry was to by how much he had ran his fingers through his hair ever since he got here. He had came here with this information and the wait had been weighing on him a lot more than it had me. I began to tear at the envelope but stopped.

"Harry", he looked up from the envelope and I could see how desperate he was, " Whatever happens in this isn't going to change how I feel about you or how much I want you in my life. It means a lot to me that you are here right now."

He smiled and I continued to open the envelope. I took the contents into my hands and began to read. The first page was just describing what was going on, it had nothing to do with the results. I wanted the immediate answer but I knew that reading the science behind this was just as important as the results.

The bottom off the first page read,

"Your results will be displayed on the next page"