letters to hazel

eighteen

I couldn't deny the anxiety that surrounded me going to Harry's on this Tuesday. My daughter was safe at school, my mom was going to pick her up once she got out of school. People knew where I was going. I made sure to tell all of my closest friends and family where I was going to be, even if there was judgment about it. My mom and friends felt odd about me getting back into touch with Harry and they had a lot of concerns about my safety. My mom and sister especially were worried about what was going to come of this and I had to reassure them a lot.

They still didn't get it and they never would. They never would understand that there would always be love in my heart for Harry. The connection the two of us shared was something undeniable and I wasn't going to push that away. My mom and sister, Blu, they were my greatest support since I had left Harry and in being a single parent they had my back endlessly. They loved my daughter and never really cared who the father was, they never even questioned Jade being Harry's. I hadn't told them anything about the DNA test and the potential of her being Harry's and that scared me. 

This secret was eating me alive but I knew it was something I had to keep to myself. If Harry was Jade's father this was something I would want to ease into understanding and bringing into my daughter's life. She deserved to have both parents in her life but it was going to be hard to adjust to sharing my daughter with someone who had a right to be in her life. Another big concern was the media perception. I knew that somehow the word would get out and I would hate to have to deal with before getting to deal with it on a family level. It would be a complete hay day all over social media and that wasn't something I was ready for just yet.

I had gotten so deep into thought about my family situation that I had almost forgot about my own worries. I had a lot of anxiety about being in a home that was Harry's again. I was there because I wanted to be. This was something I wanted more than anything and I wasn't going to be forced to change. Harry had changed and I knew that.

There was always a "What If" in the back of my mind. Harry could really do whatever he wanted and could kidnap me again. If he really wanted to, he could do whatever he wanted. As I pulled up to his house an into his driveway, I started to question coming all this way. I was really letting my worries take over now that I was here. Harry was feet away from me and I had no idea what to expect from him. 

Harry: You here? I think I see your car.

His text pushed me out of my thought as I got out of my car and to his house. I was doing the most calm breaths I could to mentally prepare and trying to remember all the things I had learned to cope with situations like this over the years.

"Welcome", Harry said welcoming me in. I didn't even have to knock which meant he had to have been watching me as I sat in my car and walked up. 

"Nice to see you", I said taking Harry in a hug. I was weak in his arms, just like always. There was no feeling better than just hugging him, I could live in a moment like this forever.

"Come on in, you can set your stuff right here if you'd like", he motioned over to a small table near the door but I wanted to keep my purse and jacket near me. I felt like having all my things with me was like a security blanket. If I had all of my things with me and I had to escape, I wouldn't lose anything. 

"How are you?", I asked, setting my purse down in front of me as Harry and I sat as his dining room table. His house was open and spacious, with beautiful interior and decoration. The art on the wall was similar to the art on his wall where I had stayed with him in London. It was a beautiful celebrity home but there was still a sense of comfort to it.

"Alright, couldn't sleep last night. You?"

"Nervous."

"Sorry", he got it. 

He could tell why I was nervous. I felt bad for making my nervousness so obvious to him but I had to say it. I hoped that if I spoke my nerves out and let that feeling be known, I could let go of it. I was nervous but I had to have faith nothing would go wrong, our past was in the past.

"Sorry I made you this way", I shook my head.

"Don't apologize. It's just my own anxieties."

"Caused by me though, I get it. I have to own that unfortunately", he shook his head and stood up, walking into his kitchen filling up a glass of water, "So you want to do the DNA test?"

With how quickly he changed the subject, it made him seem eager to get me out of here which was upsetting. I was nervous but there was a piece of me that was so excited. I wanted to spend all the time I could with Harry and being in his home made me feel potential. There was always going to be this hopeless romantic side of me that wanted to see a life where him and I could end up together. I just didn't want to push him away in this moment.

"I think so. Just have a lot of questions for you, and about it all."

"Shoot."

"I get the process of the DNA test", I began," My concerns are with what this DNA test means for you. Why do you want to do it? What are your intentions with that and if you are her father what does that mean for you? If you aren't her father what does that mean for you?"

"I just look at her face and I see a piece of myself, as weird as it sounds. I would hate to never know if she was mine if I had the chance. Being a good father is something I am willing to put the effort into if that is what I need to do and I would really want to make up for lost time. If I wasn't then I would just be glad I brought you closer to the answer and got to spend sometime with you."

"It isn't about me knowing who her father is, I am content with never knowing. It makes me really anxious to know but I think if I have the chance to give her a relationship with her father, I have to take it. She deserves a loving father in her life and for me to deny her of that is selfish as a mother", Harry was lightly smiling at me and I couldn't help but wonder why.

 "You are a good mom. I'm glad she has you", he said and I blushed, "What are you thinking?"

I wanted to tell him about how I was thinking about how adorable Harry would be as a father and how I would love to see him do girly things with my daughter. I wanted to tell him how excited the idea of him being her dad made me. I wanted to talk about how maybe him and I could make a family out of the three of us but I had to be mature. In this moment, I was being an advocate for my daughter's future and I couldn't let my own romantic feelings get in the way of that.

"We can't jump into this, if you are her dad. We have to ease you into her life", I began and an excited smile went across Harry's face, "And we have to learn how to co-parent. This isn't about us, okay?"