letters to hazel

twenty two

The reality of the situation was that I wanted Harry out of my house. It was an eventful evening and I was ready to be alone and comfortable with my daughter. There was no telling her no though, especially in this situation. After I had told him how uncomfortable I was, he seemed to be acting different. A good kind of different though. I felt a lot better around him. His tone was easy and he was acting more natural compared to how he was acting when he first arrived. 

I had ordered pizza and now the three of us we sitting at the table, almost like a proper family.

"I want to be a mermaid when I grow up because I love the ocean and starfishes are my favorite animal", Jade began, "but because I wasn't born a real mermaid I am gonna be a princess or writer like my mommy when I grow up."

"So mermaids are real?"

"Of course they are, Harry!", she exclaimed and he laughed.

"We watch a lot of documentaries around here", I began, " and when I was pregnant I would just stay at home and watch true crime stories and UFO documentaries."

"I don't like UFO stuff though", Jade started, " I know aliens are real but I'm not old enough to watch UFO stuff. It scares me."

"UFOs are pretty scary", Harry added, "You believe in aliens?"

"Everyone should believe in aliens", Jade added before going silent eating her food.

"She is your daughter", Harry smiled at me and I smiled back, his statement being the most true thing in the world. She was my daughter in so many aspects and her little personality traits like this were proof as to why. I always had the most odd ball ideas and crazy ideas to put out in the world.

"I am her daughter", Jade said beaming in pride, "We look just alike."

The night continued on with casual conversation as we ate our pizza. It was natural and easy. I was so happy that I let Harry stay over for moments like this. I felt like I was making the right decisions for Jade and her future relationships, no matter what the outcome was. Once I had voiced my worries about having Harry, I was able to relax and focus more on the moment. The worries lifting away and letting me act normal. That was all it took and with that I knew that Harry and I could build a better relationship with each other.

The night floated by, Harry, Jade, and I playing Candy Land and listening to all of Jade's favorite songs. It was the image I had held in my mind of a perfect family for her for so long and when she began to get drowsy, she didn't want to sleep. It was one of the rare times where she fought me on wanting to go to bed.

"C'mon, we all have to go to bed at some point", I began extended my arms to her so I could carry her off into bed, her shaking her head at me and keeping her head low. She didn't want me to see the sleep in her eyes.

"Please", I said and began to pout, she looked up at me and smiled, "Tomorrow will be a fun day too, I promise."

"I just want to be with you and Harry for a little longer", she begged.

"It's passed your bed time already, Jade. Let's go", using a more stern voice she came right into my arms and let me pick her up.

"Goodnight, Harry", she said and I walked her to him so that she could be face to face with him.

"It was nice to meet you, Jade", he said softy, smiling at her.

"Can I see you again soon? You are fun", she said and he nodded.

"I hope so, but only if you go to sleep", he said and she nodded. I began the walk to her room happily and content. As much as I was stressed, the day with Harry could not have gone any better. It made me a lot more comfortable with the situation that we were in and put a lot of my worries at ease.

"I love you, little one", I tucked the covers up close to her face as she snuggled with countless stuffed animals on each side of her.

"I love you mama", she was drowsy and I could hear it in her little voice. I kissed her on the forehead before turning on the night lights and leaving her to sleep. 

Harry was sitting on my couch, leaning his head back, and listening to whatever was left on the TV still.

"Tired?", I asked and he looked up at me and nodded.

"Very."

"But I'm happy", he added," I feel the most normal and welcomed I have in a really long time. I feel like being around you again has put me in such a good head space."

"I'm glad", I sat next to him, our knees touching.

"And being around someone who doesn't know me is nice. Someone who isn't looking at me for the bad shit I have done but just seeing me as a person. It's refreshing. Even my ex, I felt like didn't see me as just Harry all the time but for what had happened. It get's so old."

"I know what you mean. So many people wanted me to give Jade up for adoption because I wasn't in the right state of mind to be a mother but I knew I could do it and she would be the only person who didn't see me as weak or naive. I've never been anything less than a mother to her. I can be myself around her and that has given me a new reason to be alive."

"It's the gift of motherhood", he said and I nodded.

"How are you feeling?", I asked and he shook his head a little, then looked over at me.

"I don't know what to say or what to feel. I am happy. I am so happy you are letting me even see a little bit of your lives, even if I am not the father but I don't want to get to attached too soon, ya know? I don't want to get my hopes up because I would love for this to be a reality for me, and you. To see each other a lot more but I can't get my hopes up."

"What do you want to do if you aren't the father? And if you are? There is still a lot we really need to think about", I asked. I was mentally preparing for an answer I wasn't going to be ready to hear, weather it was good or bad. 

"I don't know."